best and most compassionate way to let a hot mess of a friend go

[Anonymous]

Dear larla, It is very important to me to tell you off -- so here is my letter. Now take your meds and leave me alone. That is what these letters sound like to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Larla,
Friendships come and go and I feel that is happening with us these days. I am genuinely concerned for you and I think seeing a counselor may help you with sorting through some of your feelings. If you won't do it for you, do it for Johnny who needs his mom to be as healthy as she can be, because there is no one else to care for him.

You are absolutely correct that no one knows exactly what you have been through or how you feel. Everyone has rough times in life, but it is not a contest; what is rough to you is the worst for you and what is rough to someone else is the worst for them. There is no winner. I'm sorry things have been so rough for you as a single mom by choice. I honestly don't know what I would do, but I wish you the best.

Take care,
Marla

This is excellent. Compassionate and non-judgmental, but indicates closure without slamming the door.

+1 I'm copying this letter and putting it in my files. Hopefully I will never need to use it but it does walk the razor's edge very nicely.

[Anonymous]

I am about as direct as they come. To the point that Katy would never have become a friend because I would have spotted her early on and put my shields up to make sure she couldn't get in my life to work her crazy. If I were you, I would ease away quietly. I would not send any letter. I would not want to call and just stop contacting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear larla, It is very important to me to tell you off -- so here is my letter. Now take your meds and leave me alone. That is what these letters sound like to me.

+1 I'm the PP who said I would never send a letter like that to anyone, much less someone on the verge of a breakdown. This is just how I read it too. It's classic "I'm breaking up with you first" plus really disturbing news to someone delusional about their problems.

[Anonymous]

I'd just phase her out. Even though your motivations are kind, resist the urge to tell her that her version of reality is out of whack and she needs help. I think doing so it just poking the bear. She's looking for your reaction and you need to stop giving it to her IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just phase her out. Even though your motivations are kind, resist the urge to tell her that her version of reality is out of whack and she needs help. I think doing so it just poking the bear. She's looking for your reaction and you need to stop giving it to her IMO.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just phase her out. Even though your motivations are kind, resist the urge to tell her that her version of reality is out of whack and she needs help. I think doing so it just poking the bear. She's looking for your reaction and you need to stop giving it to her IMO.

+1

OP here. Agreed on all points. Critical update: She called AGAIN and left an irritated sounding message (as if once I again I didnt do it right) regarding the information that I left on her work voicemail (on a topic she asked me to research for her and then was upset I had given her the information too soon) acting as if the detailed info I left didnt have one detail in it that was "the one thing" she wanted to know.

Needless to say, this is a new level of nuts. The info WAS all there and so much more.

Im actually now getting more disturbed, and am thinking maybe I need to close this out by telling her the info she apparently didnt grasp in an email-short- and THEN.......... I guess I wonder should I tell her I didnt appreciate being hung up on, that it was pretty upsetting and I dont want that kind of thing in my life?

Or just give her the info and thats that. And then begin the drift away?

At this point I am in new territory here. Ive not seen this side of her, and have not dealt with anyone like her before. I would strongly prefer she no longer contact me. But she might go more nuts at that strong of a pushback. Agreed?

BTW she doesnt sound like she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown at all now. I guess she is in the mode that has allowed her to survive this long, dysfunctional though it mya be.

At this point

[Anonymous]

OOps- that "At this point" was from an edit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just phase her out. Even though your motivations are kind, resist the urge to tell her that her version of reality is out of whack and she needs help. I think doing so it just poking the bear. She's looking for your reaction and you need to stop giving it to her IMO.

OP again- this sounds sensible. In which case I could do what I would do anyway- send a short email with the information - and nothing more. Telling her that hanging up on me was totally uncalled for, though she should be called out on it, will be pointless since she felt entitled to do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just phase her out. Even though your motivations are kind, resist the urge to tell her that her version of reality is out of whack and she needs help. I think doing so it just poking the bear. She's looking for your reaction and you need to stop giving it to her IMO.

OP again- this sounds sensible. In which case I could do what I would do anyway- send a short email with the information - and nothing more. Telling her that hanging up on me was totally uncalled for, though she should be called out on it, will be pointless since she felt entitled to do it anyway.

She sounds like a stalker. Don't engage at all. Stop it. You owe her nothing. If she escalates consider a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

At this point I would ask her to please not contact me again and wish her the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point I would ask her to please not contact me again and wish her the best.

Interestingly, she has had a workplace stalker/bully herself.

I think she made contact because I didnt call her back the FIRST time, and now she has had time to create a narrative in which I not only called her and gave her info she didnt want at that time, I didnt deliver the thing she asked for.

This way, she can avoid facing the fact that I went through some time and effort above and beyond- which does NOT fit with her victim complex.

[Anonymous]

PP again...why would she suddenly receive any new information from you well? You can do no right on her eyes - there is something seriously wrong with her. How she perceives you isn't your concern anymore...nor is her mental health. No matter WHAT you do or don't do, nothing will change. Wish her the best and tell her it's best if you part ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I would ask her to please not contact me again and wish her the best.

Interestingly, she has had a workplace stalker/bully herself.

I think she made contact because I didnt call her back the FIRST time, and now she has had time to create a narrative in which I not only called her and gave her info she didnt want at that time, I didnt deliver the thing she asked for.

This way, she can avoid facing the fact that I went through some time and effort above and beyond- which does NOT fit with her victim complex.

OP, stop giving your energy to this. You've gotten good advice here. Disengage. You are starting to sound as if you like the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point I would ask her to please not contact me again and wish her the best.

Interestingly, she has had a workplace stalker/bully herself.

I think she made contact because I didnt call her back the FIRST time, and now she has had time to create a narrative in which I not only called her and gave her info she didnt want at that time, I didnt deliver the thing she asked for.

This way, she can avoid facing the fact that I went through some time and effort above and beyond- which does NOT fit with her victim

Who knows if she really had a stalker/bully...as you can see, her perceptions are very distorted. No more analyzing her...end the friendship.