If your parents help you out, are they happily married?

[Anonymous]

Parents and ILs happily married. ILs will help if we ask. Parents are most helpful and generous.

[Anonymous]

My theory on this is that happily married grandparents may be more likely to help. Some of this may be that they have a good marriage, and enjoy seeing their spouse interact with their grandchildren.

My Dh and I take care of our two grandkids two nights a week----- These are overnights on school nights. We love it. They add energy to our empty nest and I love seeing my DH doing all the things he used to do with our kids: reading, helping with homework, playing, etc.

It brings us closer.

So I see that as one reason that happily married grandparents help out. They enjoy being with their spouse and the grandkids at once. Plus two people makes the "work" part easier.

[Anonymous]

My parents help out a ton - and I think they do understand that we need date nights, etc. to keep our marriage strong. My MIL is single and, though she was a devoted mom to DH, definitley doesn't help out in the same way. We're lucky in that she adores our kids - would come visit every weekend if we'd let her - but she puts no priority on letting DH and I spend any time alone. She wants to be with the kids AND DH (mostly DH) so her visits are good solo time for me, but don't help with our marriage.

[Anonymous]

In my empirical evidence, I am going to have to conclude the opposite, OP:

1) My parents -- happily married, don't help THAT much, will help but definitely rely on us and trust us to be capable, confident adult who can handle ordinary problems as they arise

2) My in-laws -- not happily married, are unhappy in their lives and their relationship, seek to find meaning in their lives by excessively spilling over the boundaries b/w their (unhappy) coupling and our personal nuclear family. Thus, it looks like, on the surface, they "help" a lot, but we don't want their "help" b/c it comes from a place of neediness in themselves, not a place of confidence and fulfillment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my empirical evidence, I am going to have to conclude the opposite, OP:

1) My parents -- happily married, don't help THAT much, will help but definitely rely on us and trust us to be capable, confident adult who can handle ordinary problems as they arise

2) My in-laws -- not happily married, are unhappy in their lives and their relationship, seek to find meaning in their lives by excessively spilling over the boundaries b/w their (unhappy) coupling and our personal nuclear family. Thus, it looks like, on the surface, they "help" a lot, but we don't want their "help" b/c it comes from a place of neediness in themselves, not a place of confidence and fulfillment.

Have to agree. My MIL defined herself through raising her kids and has continued to try and define herself as Grandma. She's overbearing and we don't want to be her hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my empirical evidence, I am going to have to conclude the opposite, OP:

1) My parents -- happily married, don't help THAT much, will help but definitely rely on us and trust us to be capable, confident adult who can handle ordinary problems as they arise

2) My in-laws -- not happily married, are unhappy in their lives and their relationship, seek to find meaning in their lives by excessively spilling over the boundaries b/w their (unhappy) coupling and our personal nuclear family. Thus, it looks like, on the surface, they "help" a lot, but we don't want their "help" b/c it comes from a place of neediness in themselves, not a place of confidence and fulfillment.

Have to agree. My MIL defined herself through raising her kids and has continued to try and define herself as Grandma. She's overbearing and we don't want to be her hobby[b].

Yep! This!

[Anonymous]

Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

PS I agree: my parents are finished and deserve to have the time to relax now. Now it's MY time to be stressed and raise MY family. Later, when I am a grandparent, I can relax too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

PS I agree: my parents are finished and deserve to have the time to relax now. Now it's MY time to be stressed and raise MY family. Later, when I am a grandparent, I can relax too.

PPS And my parents are happily married and have a much more stable relationship than my Ils, who are the opposite!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

PS I agree: my parents are finished and deserve to have the time to relax now. Now it's MY time to be stressed and raise MY family. Later, when I am a grandparent, I can relax too.

same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

The two usually go hand in hand. My grandma babysat on Friday nights and that was date night for the parents. When my parents are in town, we spend most of the time all together but they usually encourage us to get out and go on a date. Yes, they want alone time with the grandkids but they also pitch the importance of date night. My dad brings this up pretty much every time he sees me - DH & I need to take time for ourselves, it's good for the marriage, good for the kids, etc.

So I don't really see it as two separate things. Anyway, it's not about the grandparents owing us anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a new thing that grandparents help out so parents can have time w/o kids. Growing up in the early 80s, I went to my grandparents one weekend a month and 2-3 weeks in the summer (and my mom was a teacher!).

My grandparents were 20 min away. I built a close relationship with my grandparents, I got to play with my cousins who also got sent to "Grandma camp", my grandparents had a working farm and put us to work doing chores that we as city kids thought were fun, and my parents got time alone to relax, do yard work, go golfing, etc.