Husband needs to be paid more -- how do I convince him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-- I asked for advice, not to be berated. He has his good qualities, but he doesn't seem to get it that he needs to pull a bit more weight. Right now, the burden is falling on me. I'm the one who budgets, I'm the one who packs the lucnhes,plans the meals, scrounges on ebay for items instead of buying from the store...

I'm looking for ways to show him that we need that extra security.

I get what you're saying OP, but have you ever asked him what is holding him back from looking for a higher paying job? It seems worth exploring that. Are the jobs few and far between? Is he ready to deal with any added stress? Does he think he's not qualified/incapable of doing that job?

Instead of getting angry at him about the fact that he's not doing what you want, or the fact that you don't seem to think he doesn't care, find out WHY he's not putting in the effort.

This is all about communication on both your parts . He needs to openly talk to you and you need to be able to talk/listen without getting angry or acting resentful. I agree with a PP that a 3rd party would really be able to help you with this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP-- I asked for advice, not to be berated. He has his good qualities, but he doesn't seem to get it that he needs to pull a bit more weight. Right now, the burden is falling on me. I'm the one who budgets, I'm the one who packs the lucnhes,plans the meals, scrounges on ebay for items instead of buying from the store...

I'm looking for ways to show him that we need that extra security.

Tell him. Just sit him down and tell him what you expect from him. Write down your budget and income (including sources) and show it to him. Talk to him about how you plan to increase your portion of the income and ask him what his plans are to increase his share.

Agree with this, but I think you also need to be open to negotiation. You can't make a list, say this is everything I want, now what are you going do about it? He needs to be able to say his piece and you need to be able to listen. It is really difficult to come at someone in an attack mode and expect them to cheerfully agree with you.

[Anonymous]

OP how much do you make and how much does he make? It might be easier to understand where your DH is coming from if he makes 40K, you make 80K, and your HHI is 120K vs he makes 20K, you make 40K, and your HHI is 60K.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the harshest group of responses I have seen on here in awhile. Lay off the OP already and give her some advice.

My take is that your husband lacks the confidence to find a new job. He is probably nervous about the idea of interviewing, putting himself out there, etc. I agree with others that advise you to communicate more. Have a budgeting meeting and talk about where your money is going and then perhaps work with him on his resume, looking for jobs, etc. Maybe he would feel more comfortable if you worked the job search as a team.

Good luck OP, and congrats on the new baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here --
Not having to see parents stress over money or see one parent work two jobs
The freedom to do activities
Having much of college/grad school paid for

Adding daycare to the mix will stretch us to the max. We need more income for anything beyond the basics (food, shelter, daycare, etc.)

You need to be more specific about the first three points. You are already stressing over money but don't really give specific information. Are you struggling to make ends meet now? Or will once baby arrives?

Freedom to do what kinds of activities? If you mean luxury vacations or eating out often, you can sacrifice that.

college/grad school- do you mean your debts paid off or planning for the kid's college?

Keep in mind, if he asks for a raise, he could be fired. This is not the right time to ask for a raise.

Real men would take initiative to provide for their family without you asking.

Work on the real issues and where you can cut spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should of thought about this before you got pregnant. Just assuming your partner will figure out how to make more money while your pregnant is poor planning on your part.

+1 why get pregnant if you aren't financially ready for one?

Oh, come on. Most of us are not financially ready or have our lives totally ready before we get pregnant. Thing is for OP, I think she needs to look at other mechanisms for making her life more comfortable. For example, downsize. And, while I'm sure we would all love to pay for our kids' higher education, maybe OP needs to accept the reality of her financial situation and downsize her expectations. For example, maybe she can't cover tuition at a private college, but maybe it is realistic to prepay a community college/four year education at a state school.

It is far better to enjoy your life while you are raising your children then to do something you don't want or won't like because it makes more money.

+1,000 ... People can't read for shit too. Op is working. Op doesn't want a BMW. Op is trying to find a better paying job.

And one things for fucking sure - I don't know a single person who wasn't amazed/shocked at what having a kid does to your expenses. No one anticipates the full impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP-- I asked for advice, not to be berated. He has his good qualities, but he doesn't seem to get it that he needs to pull a bit more weight. Right now, the burden is falling on me. I'm the one who budgets, I'm the one who packs the lucnhes,plans the meals, scrounges on ebay for items instead of buying from the store...

I'm looking for ways to show him that we need that extra security.

Tell him. Just sit him down and tell him what you expect from him. Write down your budget and income (including sources) and show it to him. Talk to him about how you plan to increase your portion of the income and ask him what his plans are to increase his share.

Agree with this, but I think you also need to be open to negotiation. You can't make a list, say this is everything I want, now what are you going do about it? He needs to be able to say his piece and you need to be able to listen. It is really difficult to come at someone in an attack mode and expect them to cheerfully agree with you.

OP, you need to understand this more than you need the extra income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the harshest group of responses I have seen on here in awhile. Lay off the OP already and give her some advice.

My take is that your husband lacks the confidence to find a new job. He is probably nervous about the idea of interviewing, putting himself out there, etc. I agree with others that advise you to communicate more. Have a budgeting meeting and talk about where your money is going and then perhaps work with him on his resume, looking for jobs, etc. Maybe he would feel more comfortable if you worked the job search as a team.

Good luck OP, and congrats on the new baby!

Agree completely. I"m so surprised at the negative replies here. Particularly that she was irresponsible for getting pregnant? Yikes. OP, I hope you are able to tune some of this out.

I agree with all the suggestions about communication and supporting your husband, trying to dig in to the root of the issue here. My husband is totally underpaid for his work and it drives me bananas, not b/c we need more, but because of the message it sends to him - he is undervalued by his firm and he undervalues himself. He has major confidence issues when it comes to seeking raises, job searching, etc. In addition, he grew up in the south with very very cheap cost of living and parents with lower middle class incomes, so this has distorted his perspective and he thinks he is making TONS of money by comparison. It's very hard to look him in the eye and say "yes, you are making more money than your dad, but your dad was in a different field, in a different city, in a different era. and for what you do, where you live, you are totally underpaid." I haven't been that blunt with him b/c it's so hard to say and I don't want him to feel critisized. I just want him to know that he deserves more for what he does, how good he is, how hard he works, etc.

Anyway, that was a bit tangential, but just to say that i read OP's scenario as having far more to do with your husband's personal confidence, perspective, wishes, etc. and nothing to do with OP's responsibility for having a kid or superficial quest for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the harshest group of responses I have seen on here in awhile. Lay off the OP already and give her some advice.

My take is that your husband lacks the confidence to find a new job. He is probably nervous about the idea of interviewing, putting himself out there, etc. I agree with others that advise you to communicate more. Have a budgeting meeting and talk about where your money is going and then perhaps work with him on his resume, looking for jobs, etc. Maybe he would feel more comfortable if you worked the job search as a team.

Good luck OP, and congrats on the new baby!

Agree completely. I"m so surprised at the negative replies here. Particularly that she was irresponsible for getting pregnant? Yikes. OP, I hope you are able to tune some of this out.

I agree with all the suggestions about communication and supporting your husband, trying to dig in to the root of the issue here. My husband is totally underpaid for his work and it drives me bananas, not b/c we need more, but because of the message it sends to him - he is undervalued by his firm and he undervalues himself. He has major confidence issues when it comes to seeking raises, job searching, etc. In addition, he grew up in the south with very very cheap cost of living and parents with lower middle class incomes, so this has distorted his perspective and he thinks he is making TONS of money by comparison. It's very hard to look him in the eye and say "yes, you are making more money than your dad, but your dad was in a different field, in a different city, in a different era. and for what you do, where you live, you are totally underpaid." I haven't been that blunt with him b/c it's so hard to say and I don't want him to feel critisized. I just want him to know that he deserves more for what he does, how good he is, how hard he works, etc.

Anyway, that was a bit tangential, but just to say that i read OP's scenario as having far more to do with your husband's personal confidence, perspective, wishes, etc. and nothing to do with OP's responsibility for having a kid or superficial quest for money.

PP, that's how you say it, that was nice. OP, read that -- make it about him being valued for everything he does PLUS looking at what the TEAM needs and how everyone on the team can make that happen. Don't let pregnancy hormones and baby jitters cause you to run your mouth and mess up your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I dont agree with all the mean posts, but are you sure he "deserves" more ... or do you just wish he deserved more? He doesn't sound that motivated, and in my experience, the people that aren't willing to work for extra recognition usually don't deserve it and almost never get it. What makes you think the market for his services is better than what he's getting now?

[Anonymous]

OP needs to go to her husband's work and DEMAND he get more money.

What's up with all you women marrying boy/men ? You all act like you're so much more mature and responsible than the mates you chose.

I'm thinking the flaws lie with the females.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to go to her husband's work and DEMAND he get more money.

What's up with all you women marrying boy/men ? You all act like you're so much more mature and responsible than the mates you chose.

I'm thinking the flaws lie with the females.

Thanks for the laughs

[Anonymous]

OP - we're expecting our first and my husband just got his first post PhD job that didn't have an end date built in. i.e. A Fed GS scale job and not a grant or fellowship. He has been looking for and interviewing for jobs almost constantly for 5 years. It is grueling and humbling. I am the breadwinner, so we talk about what type of work schedule will work for us, what's the minimum salary and benefits he can accept and we can still pay for daycare, what amount of career progression and personal fulfillment would the jobs he's looking at offer. Then I leave it alone.

He knows he can talk through any opportunity with me and I'll help him polish his resume, practice interview questions, think through pros and cons, calculate commute schedules, etc. He also knows I won't ask about it unless he offers info. His parents and some friends often ask him if his job is a "just another post-doc", when he's getting a real job, etc. He doesn't need more of that at home. I just tell him I love him, I appreciate all the things he does to support my busy work schedule, and that I believe in him and the most important thing is that he finds a job that makes him happy and pays him fairly for what he's worth in his industry.

My advice would be to build him up. Help him polish his wardrobe and communication skills. Encourage him to go to happy hour with colleagues, to networking and alumni events, and to conferences. Help him see what he's worth. Carve out time in the evenings and weekends where he can job search. Realize he will not be able to assemble a crib, research baby stuff, paint the nursery, etc. if you really want him to job search and self improve. You have to decide that his search is as important as other things you each do around the house and make it a priority. Then you have to give him a chance to step up, realizing that he can't make it happen on an arbitrary timeline set by you and that all the nagging and disappointment in the world will not make a dream job appear.

[Anonymous]

I am a little surprised at how negative the comments on this thread have been but I did read OP’s description and think . . . you really don’t quite get it. I see that you are a breadwinner and don’t appear to be looking for luxuries but, at the same time, the fact that you want to live more comfortably and your husband isn’t responding to that is not particularly compelling. Did he give you the impression that he planned to make more money . . . when you got married? Or when you decided to have children? Is he being underpaid compared to his peers and just doesn’t want to ask for a raise? Or is he happy in his job in an industry that doesn’t pay as well as you would like? It just seems that you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you want a lifestyle that he doesn’t or you want him to do something that pays better but is not what he wants to do. There seems to be a very fundamental disconnect between what you want and what he wants. Unless he led you to believe he wanted different things, I don’t think trying to force him to make more money is going to resolve that disconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - we're expecting our first and my husband just got his first post PhD job that didn't have an end date built in. i.e. A Fed GS scale job and not a grant or fellowship. He has been looking for and interviewing for jobs almost constantly for 5 years. It is grueling and humbling. I am the breadwinner, so we talk about what type of work schedule will work for us, what's the minimum salary and benefits he can accept and we can still pay for daycare, what amount of career progression and personal fulfillment would the jobs he's looking at offer. Then I leave it alone.

He knows he can talk through any opportunity with me and I'll help him polish his resume, practice interview questions, think through pros and cons, calculate commute schedules, etc. He also knows I won't ask about it unless he offers info. His parents and some friends often ask him if his job is a "just another post-doc", when he's getting a real job, etc. He doesn't need more of that at home. I just tell him I love him, I appreciate all the things he does to support my busy work schedule, and that I believe in him and the most important thing is that he finds a job that makes him happy and pays him fairly for what he's worth in his industry.

My advice would be to build him up. Help him polish his wardrobe and communication skills. Encourage him to go to happy hour with colleagues, to networking and alumni events, and to conferences. Help him see what he's worth. Carve out time in the evenings and weekends where he can job search. Realize he will not be able to assemble a crib, research baby stuff, paint the nursery, etc. if you really want him to job search and self improve. You have to decide that his search is as important as other things you each do around the house and make it a priority. Then you have to give him a chance to step up, realizing that he can't make it happen on an arbitrary timeline set by you and that all the nagging and disappointment in the world will not make a dream job appear.

This is nicely put. I'm not OP but really appreciate what you've said here.