My husband is driving me nuts.

[Anonymous]

Well, in your answers there are some assumptions which may not be wholly correct, but that is understandable.

I think going to a therapist is an excellent idea. Maybe they can help to guide me through the next steps.

Going back to work may also solve the issue or at least change the dynamics enough?

[Anonymous]

Hire a private investigator.

[Anonymous]

OP, what's wrong with you?

You appear from your posts to be really hesitant about confronting him, and keep writing about going back to work. While that may make you financially independent again, which is a good thing, it is beyond strange that you do not seem to acknowledge how extreme both your behaviors are: husband having probably illicit activity on the side and *refusing* to tell you about it (small chance it's CIA work), and stupid you imitating an ostrich... for years. Mind-boggling, really.

Going back to work will not change his behavior, I am prepared to bet any amount of money on that. He will still drop everything and leave. But working will get you a more secure future without him.

Why can't you sit him down and say: "I will divorce you if you don't confide in me right now and then stop whatever it is that you have been doing behind my back."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:14 here. Actually my assumption is that he is cheating on you. Why would you raise your children in a home where you are giving tacit approval to that? Why would model for them that marriage is a loveless sham?

Plus 100. Not a good example for your kids and delending on their age they probably know more about what he is doing than you. From a kid whose father chested on my mom. Stop being in denial. They will resent you for it later and may follow the same miserable path you are on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, in your answers there are some assumptions which may not be wholly correct, but that is understandable.

I think going to a therapist is an excellent idea. Maybe they can help to guide me through the next steps.

Going back to work may also solve the issue or at least change the dynamics enough?

Your DH disappears for hours at a time with no explanation at all and you think going back to work is the solution??
There is a serious disconnect there. TALK to your DH.
Get some counseling. How the hell will going back to work change anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guaranteed that she has no means to make an income. I'd bet money she is a dependent.

I am SAHM right now, but I do have my own money, and ability to go back to work. Do you think this has played a role? Are SAHMs more prone to be cheated on?

No, but when you SAH, if you married a man who has limited respect for women, then you really upset the balance.

Your DH is clearly cheating on you and you are shackled to him. If my DH cheated, he knows I'd throw him out of the house and carry on doing what I'm doing-which is going to work and providing for my family. I don't "need" him. We are together because that is what we choose, not because I depend on him to support me.

Yes, you can go back to work, but if you have not noticed the job market is pretty soft. Unless you have a sharp skill that is in high demand, then it's not like you will jump into a six figure income, which is what is required in this town to live. Are you are doctor or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a private investigator.

OP here. Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Thank you those who gave some good advice. PI, therapist and lawyer are the first steps for me.

Going back to work - I need to get some legal advice on it at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what's wrong with you?

You appear from your posts to be really hesitant about confronting him, and keep writing about going back to work. While that may make you financially independent again, which is a good thing, it is beyond strange that you do not seem to acknowledge how extreme both your behaviors are: husband having probably illicit activity on the side and *refusing* to tell you about it (small chance it's CIA work), and stupid you imitating an ostrich... for years. Mind-boggling, really.

Going back to work will not change his behavior, I am prepared to bet any amount of money on that. He will still drop everything and leave. But working will get you a more secure future without him.

Why can't you sit him down and say: "I will divorce you if you don't confide in me right now and then stop whatever it is that you have been doing behind my back."

Whoa. OP here. I only wrote the original posts. All other things on this thread were not from me. Save this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what's wrong with you?

You appear from your posts to be really hesitant about confronting him, and keep writing about going back to work. While that may make you financially independent again, which is a good thing, it is beyond strange that you do not seem to acknowledge how extreme both your behaviors are: husband having probably illicit activity on the side and *refusing* to tell you about it (small chance it's CIA work), and stupid you imitating an ostrich... for years. Mind-boggling, really.

Going back to work will not change his behavior, I am prepared to bet any amount of money on that. He will still drop everything and leave. But working will get you a more secure future without him.

Why can't you sit him down and say: "I will divorce you if you don't confide in me right now and then stop whatever it is that you have been doing behind my back."

Whoa. OP here. I only wrote the original posts. All other things on this thread were not from me. Save this one.

*original post*

[Anonymous]

To the married woman with the disappearing husband. Hire a PI. He will lie, esp if he is having gay sex. With that knowledge you can make a decision. But the very fact that you haven't wanted to know suggests a basic lack of intimacy in your relationship. Get the answers you are too scared to face...and face it.
Don't think SAHMs get cheated on more, but more of them may feel like they have little choice but to look the other way. After knowledge, independence is power....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a private investigator.

OP here. Good advice.

You are not the OP. Just some thread hijacker. Glad you found advice though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, OP. Either you're a troll or you're really in the ditch. You "tackle this issue" by actually talking about it with your husband, not by running some experiment with you getting a job. Grown-ups talk to each other, hash it out, exchange words.

OP here. Not a troll. Obviously talking hasn't helped. No answers are forthcoming. As a wohm I had not seen this behavior. Or maybe it was more hidden? As a sahm I noticed this a lot more because I knew when he was home and when he wasn't. I have read in another thread that there is a loss of power once someone becomes a sahm. I did not feel as if I have less power - in every other way he has not changed. I do know that he does not have to pitch in as much at home, as when I was working. So maybe when i go back to work, he will need to be here and present to help out and will have less leisure time to take off.

So, what should be my first step? I may be really in the ditch.

Yeah, you're not the OP. OP means "original poster" and the person who started the thread. That wasn't you. I came here to vent, though it's stupid and he's not driving me nuts this week, but you should identify yourself as 14:21, not the OP. Because when I come back and I actually want to follow up on the thread I started, it's really confusing to everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very sorry. I am the poster with the disappearing husband. I did not even realize I signed "OP" when I maybe meant to write PP or something to identify who I was. I have been in a daze these past days. In between all the yelling and shouting and dealing (or not dealing) I did not even realize what I have written since nothing seems to be sinking in.

[Anonymous]

Pp, hiring a pi is the first step so you know what's going on before he becomes suspicious. Then go to an attorney. Do not get a job yet; it might not be the best thing if this ends up in divorce.