Need an Outside View

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only you can make this call, of course, but as a WOHM I can tell you that the commute is killing me. And my commute is about half of what you would face with the new position.

I spend a major chunk of my day worrying about getting out of the house on time, traffic on the way in, will I be late, how am I perceived by colleagues and how can I effectively manage other's time issues when I roll in at 9:05, 9:10, etc...

Then the way home is spent worrying about whether I'll be home in time for the nanny to leave on time, will I have time to change my clothes before she goes, can I squeeze in a quick stop at the market to grab milk or some other essential, do I look like a horrible clock-watcher for leaving at 5 on the dot, if I stay until 5:15 my commute becomes exponentially more difficult, and back to the top...

Just this week I was having some serious discussions w/ my husband about what my other options might be because the commute alone is making me unbelievably stressed and anxious every single day.

The work is important of course, but the toll a long commute can take is significant. And god forbid there be a situation where something happens to a child and you can't get there for an hour and a half...

Just my 2 cents as a commuting mom w/ a job and family balance I mostly love but still pay a tough price for many days.

This is SO right. The commute takes so much out of me. People often say "Oh, it seems great -- time to read!" In reality I spend all my commuting time (75 minutes each way on an ideal day) worrying that I"m going to be late, I'm not spending enough time in the office, what if something happens to my child when I'm so far away, how will I get dinner made, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only you can make this call, of course, but as a WOHM I can tell you that the commute is killing me. And my commute is about half of what you would face with the new position.

I spend a major chunk of my day worrying about getting out of the house on time, traffic on the way in, will I be late, how am I perceived by colleagues and how can I effectively manage other's time issues when I roll in at 9:05, 9:10, etc...

Then the way home is spent worrying about whether I'll be home in time for the nanny to leave on time, will I have time to change my clothes before she goes, can I squeeze in a quick stop at the market to grab milk or some other essential, do I look like a horrible clock-watcher for leaving at 5 on the dot, if I stay until 5:15 my commute becomes exponentially more difficult, and back to the top...

Just this week I was having some serious discussions w/ my husband about what my other options might be because the commute alone is making me unbelievably stressed and anxious every single day.

The work is important of course, but the toll a long commute can take is significant. And god forbid there be a situation where something happens to a child and you can't get there for an hour and a half...

Just my 2 cents as a commuting mom w/ a job and family balance I mostly love but still pay a tough price for many days.

OP here: thank you, I really needed the perspective. And my job is not 9-5 (not even now), it's 9 to 7 at the earliest....

Your job is currently 9-7 without a commute and you are thinking of getting one that has a commute and more hours? What are your DH's hours?

OP: It's more like I always need to be available when things need to be done. Some days I work 15 hours. Other days I work 1. But if I was in the office, I would never be likely to get out of there before 7.

DH has a 9-5 job and a 20 minute commute, lucky guy

But I should mention that I am the primary breadwinner, even with the work-from-home gig

Any chance that DH can go part time or sah? If it works out that DH sah, then you could move closer to your potential "bigger" job.

OP here: DH did the sahd thing for a while. When I slowed down after DC2 was born, he got another job (and it was very hard for him after being out of the workforce for years). It would not be fair to ask him to sacrifice his career again after he worked so hard to resurrect it.

Then, I would stick with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: just to clarify - the commute would be an hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. My biggest issue is that I invested a whole lot into my career and did really well, and now I feel like it's slipping through my fingers. Having said that, I don't particularly want to live like the senior people in my field live.[/quote]

This is the big issue. I know (from personal experience) that it's hard to know you could have that senior title and the traditional trappings of success. I still struggle with a sense that I'm wasting my potential; every once in a while I feel an ugly urge to tell someone how successful I could have been. But if you don't actually enjoy the day to day grind of it, then that senior position is not worth having. "Work to live, don't live to work" is a cliche but it's true.

FWIW, I have a 1.5 hour commute each way, three days a week. It sucks now while LO is little, and probably will become untenable when she starts school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That job-to-be sounds like a tough gig for a mommy. Weekend work and three hour commute? No thanks.

Honestly it sounds like a tough gig to me for anyone who wants some semblance of balance in his/her life, even if the person was single/childless! Also, just my perspective here, but a lot of these questions to me depend a lot on what the job actually is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: just to clarify - the commute would be an hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. My biggest issue is that I invested a whole lot into my career and did really well, and now I feel like it's slipping through my fingers. Having said that, I don't particularly want to live like the senior people in my field live.[/quote]

This is the big issue. I know (from personal experience) that it's hard to know you could have that senior title and the traditional trappings of success. I still struggle with a sense that I'm wasting my potential; every once in a while I feel an ugly urge to tell someone how successful I could have been. But if you don't actually enjoy the day to day grind of it, then that senior position is not worth having. "Work to live, don't live to work" is a cliche but it's true.

FWIW, I have a 1.5 hour commute each way, three days a week. It sucks now while LO is little, and probably will become untenable when she starts school.

OP here: what I meant was that the senior people in my field, by and large, work all the time and never see their families and the stress level is not reduced with seniority. Sure, the large salaries and the prestige are nice, but I can live without that and still be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: just to clarify - the commute would be an hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. My biggest issue is that I invested a whole lot into my career and did really well, and now I feel like it's slipping through my fingers. Having said that, I don't particularly want to live like the senior people in my field live.

If you don't like seeing your kids, take the job. I can understand your frustration with doing mindless tasks, and that you feel your career is going away, but did you ever consider this before having kids? Do you honestly think you can have it all -- a high powered career and manage a household with two small children, long commute, weekend hours? Some people claim they do, but they don't. I know. I know their kids, ya, the ones raised by nannies, absent parents. Yup, I have the crappy, lower-level job, so it's sour grapes, I suppose. I gave up the fast track, and sometimes I'm pretty miserable, but I knew having kids would have a price for me. When our American society evolves so everyone who wants a part time executive level job can have one, as long as they have the skills and brains, then we'll be able to have it all, more or less, but for the moment, someone will pay the price -- is it you or your kids? There's only one answer, OP.

[Anonymous]

There's an easy way to test this. For one week, commute into the city 1.5 hrs, do your work at a coffee shop or other locale, and commute home 1.5 hrs. Then at the end of the week you can evaluate how it affected your quality of life and whether you'd be willing to trade it for more interesting work.

[Anonymous]

The commute would not fly for me, but why is this an insurmountable obstacle? Can you move closer? It doesn't make sense that your commute is 1.5 hrs each way while your DH's is 20 min.

[Anonymous]

Why would anyone in their right mind consider a 3hour commute? why? just why? Can you move closer to where the jobs you're looking at are? Especially as a parent, a shorter commute is ideal and the shorter it is , the better

[Anonymous]

is there a way you can move up or get higher-level duties in your current role? if you are overqualified perhaps they will realize this and you can have a win/win by taking on more duties while keeping your current work schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's an easy way to test this. For one week, commute into the city 1.5 hrs, do your work at a coffee shop or other locale, and commute home 1.5 hrs. Then at the end of the week you can evaluate how it affected your quality of life and whether you'd be willing to trade it for more interesting work.

This. And since you said you'd be doing weekend work, make sure you do fully test that out as well. Please repor back on this board on how it went. Come on OP, I understand your desire for a more fulfilling job but 3 hour commute plus also what sounded like 60 hour work weeks? Sure it's doable if that's the kind if life you want to lead. Can you move closer to the job? I wouldn't even do that if I was single with no kids. Are others that would be at your level also living so far from the office? People generall put up with brutal commutes vp because they can't afford to live closer to their work. If you won't be make enough to move closer then clearly it 's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: just to clarify - the commute would be an hour and a half there and an hour and a half back. My biggest issue is that I invested a whole lot into my career and did really well, and now I feel like it's slipping through my fingers. Having said that, I don't particularly want to live like the senior people in my field live.

If you don't like seeing your kids, take the job. I can understand your frustration with doing mindless tasks, and that you feel your career is going away, but did you ever consider this before having kids? Do you honestly think you can have it all -- a high powered career and manage a household with two small children, long commute, weekend hours? Some people claim they do, but they don't. I know. I know their kids, ya, the ones raised by nannies, absent parents. Yup, I have the crappy, lower-level job, so it's sour grapes, I suppose. I gave up the fast track, and sometimes I'm pretty miserable, but I knew having kids would have a price for me. When our American society evolves so everyone who wants a part time executive level job can have one, as long as they have the skills and brains, then we'll be able to have it all, more or less, but for the moment, someone will pay the price -- is it you or your kids? There's only one answer, OP.

OP here. I get it, most of the time. Really I do. Sometimes it's just hard to get over myself and my ambitions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's an easy way to test this. For one week, commute into the city 1.5 hrs, do your work at a coffee shop or other locale, and commute home 1.5 hrs. Then at the end of the week you can evaluate how it affected your quality of life and whether you'd be willing to trade it for more interesting work.

This. And since you said you'd be doing weekend work, make sure you do fully test that out as well. Please repor back on this board on how it went. Come on OP, I understand your desire for a more fulfilling job but 3 hour commute plus also what sounded like 60 hour work weeks? Sure it's doable if that's the kind if life you want to lead. Can you move closer to the job? I wouldn't even do that if I was single with no kids. Are others that would be at your level also living so far from the office? People generall put up with brutal commutes vp because they can't afford to live closer to their work. If you won't be make enough to move closer then clearly it 's not worth it.

I could, but frankly I loath to give up our great neighborhood with excellent schools. And yes, people from my job who have to go into the office every day to live nearby, for the same reasons.