Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
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Anonymous
My eyes are itching just thinking about it. 
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Anonymous
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OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in your expectations, but I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the obligation I think you have here to help them. I think you stated that they are elderly and that this behavior is relatively recent, or at least it wasn't this way your whole life.
One of them (your mom?) could have a serious issue going on, while the other is in denial or just going with the flow to prevent confrontation. If it were my parents, I would be reading up on this and trying to find some help or support system in their area that you could turn to. I know you have a baby on the way to think about, but these are your parents and it sounds like something may be really wrong. |
Anonymous
You are nuts. OP's situation is vastly different. I love animals and have always had cats/dogs. We had a neighbor who was offended because we always turned her down when she offered to have us over or to cook for us. She and her husband always had 3 or 4 cats that they allowed on the table while we were eating. The first and only time we had dinner at their house, the wife got angry at me for stopping two of the cats on the table cat from eating from the bowls of the sides she was serving. She had put out a cheese platter for us that the cats were allowed to eat from before we did. Yeah, we passed. Yech. Her house was disgusting. |
Anonymous
OP here - yes! he has been super supportive and understanding and fully supports me in the decision to confront my folks.
I agree with you and I have tried. My mom has always hoarded, even when I was a kid, but back then it was just clutter and a lack of cleaning for which I, my siblings and dad picked up the slack. The issue now is really stemming from the addition of the 10 animals. I have a small dog myself and if I don't vacuum religiously, it just gets out of hand. She will clean very occasionally (like twice a year) and then it’s not the type of cleaning that would address the issues (pet dander, elimination stains, carpet/upholstery condition, etc.). I do think that a lot of this stems from a combination of empty-nest syndrome (my brother was around until he was 29 so she had someone to “take care of”) and from losing both of her parents (although at different times, she was very, very close to them). Plus, my sister and I both live 3+ hours away. I thinks she’s replacing people with animals (or maybe I watch too much Hoarders?) She does have some other issues – we think she is very early stages of Alzheimer’s on top of all of this. However, the hoarding behavior is not new and while AD may aggravate or worsen it, it did not begin with this. As for getting her help, we have all talked to her about seeing a doctor/neurologist/counselor (all of these things) and she is adamant in her refusals. She does not want to address what is going on and quite frankly, I am at a loss as to how to “force” her to get treatment? The house is not in the condition that would trigger APS action and the animals certainly are not dangerous. They eat better than we do and are taken to the vet/medicated, etc. religiously. They are also not breaking any laws as in rural SC you are not limited to 2 or 3 pets in any way and they are technically on a “farm.” If we all sat down with her together and talked to her, I am 100% certain it would end in the same way as all previous discussions: shut down/silent treatment. We tried it once re: getting her to a neurologist for AD diagnosis. No dice. The only thing that will eventually make that a reality, I fear, is when she has an episode that really scares her enough to make her want to do something about it. Very frustrating and sad. |
Anonymous
No, she is not overreacting. Hoarding is a serious problem and her parents' house sounds filthy and dangerous. Clutter is a lot different than hoarding. |
Anonymous
| Read "Coming Clean," a memoir about a women who grew up with parents who were hoarders. Awful. There was no space on the floor to walk, rats everywhere, no food b/c the fridge was full of spoiled food (so they had to eat out all the time). As she grew up, she tried again and again to help her parents by cleaning, hiring crews to clean, helping her parents move to new apartments/houses, but over and over again they reverted to hoarding and filth. It doesn't say if she finally gave up in the end (but I doubt it--you can tell how enmeshed they are). Sounds exhausting but you can't really do much for hoarders. Really, unless they go through extensive therapy willingly, they are going to remain the way they are. |
Anonymous
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Hotel, go out to eat, go to park, go to mall in bad weather. Do not bring your child there.
coincidentally in the news today: http://www.science20.com/news_articles/cat_and_mouse_nature_parasite_behind_toxoplasmosis-120767 |
Anonymous
Sorry, meant "woman" not "women" |
Anonymous
Yes. Alternate years, one year they come to you, the next you go to them. If they live 6 hours away, traveling may be a hardship for them that they won't admit. I know that my parents and MIL don't handle long car trips well anymore, they can't drive well at night, and they don't like to drive anywhere they aren't familiar with as it gets too confusing for them, so if they can't fly for whatever reason, they don't come. And yes, it's not healthy for your infant, especially at less than 8 weeks old, to be in those conditions. So, you go and rent a 1BR or 2BR hotel suite (almost all Marriott Residence Inn properties and some Marriott TownePlace Suites have 2BR suites) near them. Each suite has a separate living/dining room and kitchenette plus a door between those rooms and the bedroom so even if the adults are all still up and socializing, the baby can be put to sleep in the bedroom behind a door with the curtains drawn. If you get a 2BR suite, you can offer that your parents stay with you at the hotel, give them the smaller bedroom and take the larger one for you, your husband and baby. The larger bedroom is plenty large enough for a pack-and-play or bassinet or rock-n-play for the baby (we have twins and we can fit 2 pack-n-plays in the larger room and we parents take the 2nd room) and the whole family can be together under one roof without having to live in your parents house. |
Anonymous
| OP, just want to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this since it must be very painful to see your parents live that way. But I don't think you can control them, and I just want to encourage you to do what you can so that their behavior doesn't affect you. We also used to alternate holidays, but now that we have a family we want to make our holiday memories in our own home, without the stress of having to travel. So I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say the same, without even getting into the issue of their house, and invite them to come and be with you at your home. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP, one of the great things about having a child is that all of a sudden it becomes very easy to make decisions that were much harder when things only affected you.
Of course you can't bring a child into the type of environment you describe. Your primary duty is to protect your child - you are not being unreasonable at all. Parents can come to your house for holidays etc..., you can stay at a hotel when you go to see them and say that they can come to the hotel, or a restaurant or playground or whatever. You can make it clear that you simply cannot and will not bring your child into an environment you consider unsafe. If they want to change that's fine, but you are non negotiable on this. You may a price, but honestly, you're already paying a pretty steep price. I'm sorry. Good luck and Congratulations on your baby!!! |