I love my MIL, but I really need help with this situation

[Anonymous]

Does you mil know about ds1's OT and special needs?

[Anonymous]

I really think you need to go. If she is anything like my mother, there is no greater joy for her than seeing all her grandkids together in one place. It sounds like you have declined many invites in the past, so I think you have used up your good will in that regard and need to suck it up for three days. It might even be fun if you can let go of this assumption that it will be a disaster. I find with travelling with two kids and their issues (because they all have issues) I tend to overthink everything in advance, and focus on worse case scenarios, and the reality is usually never as bad as I fear that it will be. I think camping would be a great option for Dad and DS1- a fun adventure for them and a way to get peace & quiet as well. or putting him to sleep in another room where he can sing himself to sleep and then carrying him into the room with the baby. Even though he would be heavier to move, older kids sleep deeper so you run less risk of him waking than if you moved the baby. If you talk yourself into being miserable, you will be miserable. Focus on the positives, this will be a great way to see a bunch of relatives at once and then you will be off the hook for doing this kind of thing for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does you mil know about ds1's OT and special needs?

I try to tell her, but she only hears what she wants to hear. She visited recently and I told her about how he is receiving therapy for this and what his teachers say but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. She has never seen him in a group setting, and he's so interactive with adults that his issues are not self-evident when you're with him one on one.

[Anonymous]

Have you explored renting a house or does your MIL have close neighbor friends you might stay with? Just an idea..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you explored renting a house or does your MIL have close neighbor friends you might stay with? Just an idea..

Looking at that just this minute! There are actually resorts with rental cabins on the lake, although then we'd also have to rent a boat to get to her place. I want to talk to DH about that option. My concern is that it will not sit well with the extended family, but I may just have to deal with that. Most of DH's cousins dont have a lot of money and this is their big vacation (MIL foots the bill for most of them to fly in), so us flitting off to some fancy fishing resort nearby may rub them the wrong way. But other than the question of whether we want to also rent a boat and keep piling the kids in and out of it to get away from it all, that may be a good option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you explored renting a house or does your MIL have close neighbor friends you might stay with? Just an idea..

yeah, can you rent a house nearby?

[Anonymous]

OP, it's great that you are really trying to work out a suitable situation. If I were you, I would go because it being a family reunion/Mil birthday is a big family event.

Getting a nearby property rental sounds like a grat idea. It is your money, so I don't see why others should be offended. Hey, if you're going to take off from work for this trip, it's not wrong to be comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this. You are dead on. Part of the emotional blackmail is "DS1 will really love playing with all his cousins..." despite the fact that he's actually receiving OT at school to help him learn to play with other kids - his teachers keep telling me how he stands on the outskirts of the classroom and is terrified of entering the fray.

Without knowing your child, I will say as a former teacher who has made similar observations, that you shouldn't assume the same social issues will translate to time spent with family. In my experience children who struggle socially play better with older cousins than trying to enter play with classmates, you also stated you child does well with adults one on one. That leads me to think that an older cousin or family member could help facilitate play in a way that peers at school cannot. This could be a great opportunity for you child socially to help build some confidence.

[Anonymous]

Suck it up go but you may want to explain to MIL about the difficulty your kids have with sleeping, who knows, she may be able to rangle 2 rooms for you or at the very least will be understanding if you decide to stay elsewhere. But as for not going? that would be insulting. It's 3 nights, not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

When we visit my parents and DH's parents we all (4 of us) share a room. My parents have other rooms, but since we started visiting while the kids were 7 months old, it's just been easier to have them near by. When we visit this year, they will be 7 yrs old and I don't know if they want to stay in a room on the other side of the house by themselves. I'll let them make that choice.

AT my ILs house it's not an option since there are only 2 bedrooms.

[Anonymous]

Just suck it up and go. So what if you have to stay in one room for a few nights --- everyone will survive. DH and I stayed in one room with our 3 kids for an entire week when we crashed at my sister's beach house. While your kids might thrive on a schedule (so did mine when they were little), they also did fine when they were taken off their schedule --- particularly in a festive atmosphere with lots of family and diversions. You might have to hold your little one until he falls asleep and then tuck him in as opposed to just plunking your kids in a room and letting them fall asleep --- but you'll manage, and it will work. Life is short --- you should take advantage of these sort of family celebrations when you can --- you'll build memories and have fun. Stop worrying so much, just let things happen and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but I suspect you're trying to get people to tell you what you want to hear...that you don't have to go. But I think you do have to go and I think you should want to go, frankly. It's one weekend and it may be miserable. So what. Suck it up. It's family and it's important, and please think about our husband for a second and how important this is for him...for you NOT to cause problems with something relating to his family. Your children will survive a 3-day trip with less than optimum sleep...and so will you. I think you're trying to throw out all sorts of "logical" reasons why you can feel better about bailing but they all seem like a stretch to me. Why not just get a hotel room at the 25 mile-away place and then YOU and baby can sleep there while DH and son stay at the lake house. Just drive back and forth...you might relish the break from all the family. And to me you do sound a little princessish. PS: i'm sure you've learned by now that things change with children quickly...the singing to sleep thing might be over by the time this event rolls around.

+1 but I think you need to suck it up and stay in the house. This has a lot of potential to blow up and for you to end up being considered the difficult in-law by MIL, SIL and the extended family. It's 3 days...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the pp's to just stay in a hotel. If your ds with sensory issues has problems, you'll be able to get away from everyone for a few hours. My kids both had sensory problems when they were young (among other issues) and it is hard when family doesn't understand what you are dealing with.

OP here, thanks for this. You are dead on. Part of the emotional blackmail is "DS1 will really love playing with all his cousins..." despite the fact that he's actually receiving OT at school to help him learn to play with other kids - his teachers keep telling me how he stands on the outskirts of the classroom and is terrified of entering the fray.

This really rang a bell for me. Dd similarly was in ot to help her learn to play with other kids, stands on the outskirts of play, and in fact has just been diagnosed with aspergers. Yet, she somehow *gets* that her cousins are family, and therefore different from her classmates. Her cousins, who are very close in age to her, live far away and so they don't get to see each other often, but when they do, they play together surprisingly well. Yes, I have to supervise them more than others woukd (they're five), but it has worked surprisingly well.

I would go. Get te hotel room if you want, but go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this. You are dead on. Part of the emotional blackmail is "DS1 will really love playing with all his cousins..." despite the fact that he's actually receiving OT at school to help him learn to play with other kids - his teachers keep telling me how he stands on the outskirts of the classroom and is terrified of entering the fray.

Without knowing your child, I will say as a former teacher who has made similar observations, that you shouldn't assume the same social issues will translate to time spent with family. In my experience children who struggle socially play better with older cousins than trying to enter play with classmates, you also stated you child does well with adults one on one. That leads me to think that an older cousin or family member could help facilitate play in a way that peers at school cannot. This could be a great opportunity for you child socially to help build some confidence.

This comment really rang true for me. My ds is on the spectrum and struggles socially at school, but with older cousins it is an entirely different story. part of it is that they are invested in him more than peers at school are, and make every effort to make him comfortable and include him. we only see them rarely but it is such a treat to see the cousins play together and I do think it is a good confidence boost for him.

[Anonymous]

I dont think DS1 would sleep in a room with other kids - maybe with grandparents, but SIL usually gets to stick her youngest with them, so that would create the same problem.

Well, I think you try to go, staying in a hotel if necessary - but I also think it shouldn't be just on your family to make accommodations. If I read this correctly, your SIL usually does sleeps her youngest with the grandparents when it's just her and the grandparents. Well, there'a a lot more people now, and she needs to be flexible too. This sounds like a really good solution to me - baby with you, older son in room with grandparents (and he'll be asleep long before they are, so it all works out). If there's a a compelling reason your SIL's youngest has to sleep with grandparents, that's one thing - but "that's where she always sleeps" doesn't cut it.