How to deal with habitual complainers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend like this and a mutual friend made an observation that was very true, at least in regard to this complaining friend. Complainer friend really did complain about everything and was woe-is-me. She'd had a reasonably difficult childhood, was the oldest child (so took care of the younger ones), dad was an absent alcoholic and mom mentally checked out. She did well in school and kept the family together and I think she just never got that validation, no adult told her "wow, 'Jane', you did so well in that spelling bee, I am proud of you." Now she needs constant validation that what she's going through in life is tough and that she's strong.

The problem was, no amount of validation at this point is going to help. Support and sympathy spurred more complaints from her, conversation redirection was unsuccessful. It was such a chore to be with her. Also, she actually was not supportive of other people going through crap. I had a true emergency and tragedy in my life and she barely acknowledged it and had a "get over it" attitude.

So when she began to complain, did you tell her straight out that therapy would help?

[Anonymous]

15:52 - THIS.

Often people so self absorbed in what they think they don't have - that is the problem. Those of us who do not air our dirty laundry without their lack of filters or frequency do not need to be punished by spending time with them.

You indeed have no idea if the other person has x or y tragedy happening - abuse, illness, death or worse or whatever excuse. Contrary to your belief, you do not know it all. Perhaps the person that doesn't walk around wallowing in their own self pity has more going on than you could ever, ever imagine. They just do not have it in them to walk around talking about it.

Personally, I would rather spend time with the latter. When they truly have a crisis, you might just hear it. But to think others have no problems, or to try belittle their issues is the worst kind of judgmental. Don't try to saddle them, because some day you might really need them. Guess what? They will have had enough of you.

Ever hear of Chicken Little? The sky is falling, the sky is falling....

Or even Crying Wolf?

Even children or taught better than to be the whiner and wallow in self pity. We should hope. Or they too will be very alone.

As far as slipping off the deep end, PP you need to readjust your thinking. Don't be so clearly desperate to make yourself look better. If you had anything worth offering, you would be helpful. If only on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend like this and a mutual friend made an observation that was very true, at least in regard to this complaining friend. Complainer friend really did complain about everything and was woe-is-me. She'd had a reasonably difficult childhood, was the oldest child (so took care of the younger ones), dad was an absent alcoholic and mom mentally checked out. She did well in school and kept the family together and I think she just never got that validation, no adult told her "wow, 'Jane', you did so well in that spelling bee, I am proud of you." Now she needs constant validation that what she's going through in life is tough and that she's strong.

The problem was, no amount of validation at this point is going to help. Support and sympathy spurred more complaints from her, conversation redirection was unsuccessful. It was such a chore to be with her. Also, she actually was not supportive of other people going through crap. I had a true emergency and tragedy in my life and she barely acknowledged it and had a "get over it" attitude.

So when she began to complain, did you tell her straight out that therapy would help?

Yes, I got to this point. I still don't know whether it was a mistake or not (in terms of being worth it or a better option than just distancing myself/cutting her off), but I had a talk with her. I told her that I had really valued our friendship because of [reasons], I think she's great because of {reasons}, but that I really was having an issue with the self-absorbed complaining. The final straw for me had been that I couldn't rely on her even for a friendly ear about my own big issue and yet she expected to be able to complain to me ad nauseum about Best Buy's poor customer service for her broken laptop (this was a 2 month ordeal she complained about all the time). She told me no one except her husband (!) had told her that she complained too much and didn't really see it as an issue. I tolder her that she comes off as unhappy because of it. She asked if others talked about this behind her back. I answered honestly that yes, I'd heard that (we first worked together and this was widely observed about her). I recommended therapy. She told me basically that she thinks whatever was wrong was so wrong it wasn't fixable, or that she didn't have a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I actually had someone say to me "oh this again?" I knew they were not a nice person or friend because I knew I had a purely superficial relationship with them and that I hardly raised any issues with them. They were the type you had to walk on eggshells with, their spouse handled everything, and I mean everything. Which is fine, but to not be any kind of friend with the one issue I did raise was inexcusable and therefore, she was written off pretty easily. Of course not much after, she had the same issues but by then had no one to discuss it.

OTOH, I have heard of some who complain because quite frankly *nothing* will ever make them happy. Usually, it is because they think somehow that (no matter how unrealistic) winning the lottery or their wealthy ILs dying will make them happy. They think the next guy always has it easier; or the next guy never has any problems. Guess what? After the windfall, they will still be stuck with their miserable selves. No amount of money could make most people happy. They are too stupid and shortsighted to realize that Carpe Diem has in fact, some weight to it.

[Anonymous]

I read once that you should just say something like, "That's too bad" and then don't engage. Complainers like to have people try to talk them out of feeling bad. They will never take your advice. So just say something brief and let it go and they will go find someone else whose attention they can grab.

[Anonymous]

Send her this website:

http://whitewhine.com/

[Anonymous]

Reconcile this thread with the "do you help your neighbor" one for me, please.

[Anonymous]

You don't help your neighbor who doesn't want to be helped.

[Anonymous]

I was a big complainer until middle school, for lack of feeling like I had anything interesting to say, when a classmate I was just loosely familiar with mentioned that I complained a lot, and the sort of offhandedly said that her alcoholic father used to molest her and her sister. I was so stunned and remember thinking that I was better off being quiet than trying to be "interesting" by complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was so sick of hearing a colleague complain that I just kinda lit in to him one day. We worked in a Network Operations Center monitoring networks and devices so we didn't have cubes, we had workstations, several in one room. Everyone always heard everything he said. He came in to work one day and I said something along the lines of "Good Morning." His response was "What's so fuckin' good about it?!" After listening to him for months, I basically told him to shut the fuck up and if he didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all because, honestly, the shitstorm he rained on everyone was getting pretty old.

Like 5 people looked at me and smiled. He definitely mellowed out after that.

Granted the "what's so fuckin' good about it" sounds like an odd comment, but I can't think of any universe in which your response isn't a very mean thing to say. The fact that you had tacit approval from colleagues to marginalize this other, unpopular colleague, hardly makes it right.

Bullied children are often marginalized because something they're doing really does bother the children around them. It has always seemed to me to grow out of some kind of instinct to cull the herd, and children with poor social skills are targeted. If you listen to a tween explain why he/she tried to exclude or insult a classmate, the justifications sound a lot like this thread. There's usually something annoying about the victim, and the bully will point to that and say, "See! Why do we have to include/ put up with that?" The answer for them, of course, is that people have their quirks, and some are better at social interaction than others, but you have to remember that people's feelings need to be treated with basic respect simply because they're people. Saying that he disrespected you first because he annoyed you is really weak.

I expect his "mellowing" afterward meant he was hurt. Compare that with the "injury" he inflicted on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was so sick of hearing a colleague complain that I just kinda lit in to him one day. We worked in a Network Operations Center monitoring networks and devices so we didn't have cubes, we had workstations, several in one room. Everyone always heard everything he said. He came in to work one day and I said something along the lines of "Good Morning." His response was "What's so fuckin' good about it?!" After listening to him for months, I basically told him to shut the fuck up and if he didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all because, honestly, the shitstorm he rained on everyone was getting pretty old.

Like 5 people looked at me and smiled. He definitely mellowed out after that.

Granted the "what's so fuckin' good about it" sounds like an odd comment, but I can't think of any universe in which your response isn't a very mean thing to say. The fact that you had tacit approval from colleagues to marginalize this other, unpopular colleague, hardly makes it right.

Bullied children are often marginalized because something they're doing really does bother the children around them. It has always seemed to me to grow out of some kind of instinct to cull the herd, and children with poor social skills are targeted. If you listen to a tween explain why he/she tried to exclude or insult a classmate, the justifications sound a lot like this thread. There's usually something annoying about the victim, and the bully will point to that and say, "See! Why do we have to include/ put up with that?" The answer for them, of course, is that people have their quirks, and some are better at social interaction than others, but you have to remember that people's feelings need to be treated with basic respect simply because they're people. Saying that he disrespected you first because he annoyed you is really weak.

I expect his "mellowing" afterward meant he was hurt. Compare that with the "injury" he inflicted on you.

Not PP. Good analysis. Will have to remember that when the people who talk too much starts up.

[Anonymous]

I really do NOT think we should be encouraging bullying, as grown adults.

What do you do when there is a hypochondriac and she just doesn't know when to shut her mouth (around people who have a deadly disease, for example)?

[Anonymous]

I wrote my best friend a letter and spelled it out for her. She was dragging me down and I told her she had to tell me one positive thing, then she was free to vent to me. Apparently, it didn't go over very well with her. We haven't talked since yesterday. She thought I was a better best friend than that at work. When she complains about the same stuff 5 days a week, IM's me and if i don't respond fast enough, she either calls/comes over to my desk. I had to tell her in a not so nice way I needed room to breath. She even countdowns how many minutes to lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote my best friend a letter and spelled it out for her. She was dragging me down and I told her she had to tell me one positive thing, then she was free to vent to me. Apparently, it didn't go over very well with her. We haven't talked since yesterday. She thought I was a better best friend than that at work. When she complains about the same stuff 5 days a week, IM's me and if i don't respond fast enough, she either calls/comes over to my desk. I had to tell her in a not so nice way I needed room to breath. She even countdowns how many minutes to lunch.

OMG - I would love your friend. I am a lifelong complainer and my biggest problem has been that I can't find anyone else who is negative enough to hang out with. No matter how much I whine I can't convince them that my life is as bad as it really is. I never win. I am truly the biggest loser. Can't wait 'til I die and finally get the kind pitying words I have sought my whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote my best friend a letter and spelled it out for her. She was dragging me down and I told her she had to tell me one positive thing, then she was free to vent to me. Apparently, it didn't go over very well with her. We haven't talked since yesterday. She thought I was a better best friend than that at work. When she complains about the same stuff 5 days a week, IM's me and if i don't respond fast enough, she either calls/comes over to my desk. I had to tell her in a not so nice way I needed room to breath. She even countdowns how many minutes to lunch.

Can't imagine why not!