Out of Boundary Parent feeling left out

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that the OP felt unwelcome. A school community should be exactly that -- a community in which everyone feels an equal and valued part.

Let me offer a different perspective, as a so-called "in bounds" parent for many years in a Ward 3 school with a slight majority of "out of bounds" students. (I do dislike both those terms -- maybe "local" and "lottery" would be better?). We have valued greatly the experience our child has had in forming friendships with children from around DC and of various backgrounds, and my comments below should not detract from our appreciation of that and the good education our child has received at the school.

However, it sometimes seemed like some OOB parents felt that the role of the IB parents was to "pay up and shut up." First of all, I always felt that I had to be careful of what I said. People would get upset if you referred to the school as a neighborhood school, even though the school has been an important part of its local community for over 100 years. Suggestions for program additions or improvements were sometimes met with skepticism if not outright disdain, lest the result might be to attract more IB families, and thereby reduce OOB spots, in the school. Yet when ever there was a need for additional funds, to cover a class actiivty or to make up the yearbook deficit, it seemed like the IB parents were always expected to be the first to pony up. Similarly a proposed modest increase in the suggested parent fee was opposed as being unfair to OOB families -- despite the appreciable number of them who dropped their kids off in Rovers, Benzes and other high-priced vehicles with those low-numbered DC tags. To be sure, there were a number of parents who lived locally and farther away who contributed generously of their time and treasure to the school. Nevertheless, there was this undercurrent...

[Anonymous]

EVen the most welcoming environment can seem insular to someone who is really sensitive and finds it difficult to forge new social relationships. Not saying this is necessarily OP's issue, but I think it is a lot of the time in these situations -- whether IB/OOB or WOHM/SAHM. We are also new to Janney this year, and would NEVER describe it as "cliquey". It's all in the eye of the beholder. No school - or any environment - is perfect. But I think Janney gets pretty darned close when it comes to community. I don't understand how I've forged a number of new relationships in 2 months and OP hasn't managed to in 2 years at Janney. At least SOME of this might be the attitude and approach we walk into the new situation with, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, ... if they only knew I could provide a great service to the school, which i have once, but when you act a certain way to a person this draws them back from what they can do.

This sounds a bit like you're thinking more of yourself than the kids... Who cares what there people think of you or if they look at you sideways?? Aren't you looking to get involved for your child's sake? Or are you looking to make friends? I guess if both are possible, great. But if not, I'd drop the desire to make great friends. Keep it about the kids, and let any attitude you get from a few people be water off your back.

This. If your child is enjoying school, receiving a good education, and has friends in school and in the neighborhood, who cares if some random moms want to hang out with you or not? My parents were never into making fake friends with my childhood friends' parents. There were of course 2 or 3 exceptions where they hit it off, but when it came to school their focus was on the kids' education and happiness. I think it may be worthwhile for you to take a step back and refocus on what matters.

Yup - same here. Parents seem to feel like they're responsible for making their kids' social lives a new part-time job for themselves! Kids have to make their own way as we did. And the thing is, when left to their own devices, THEY DO!! My kids come home and tell me who they want a play date with or who has invited them to one. Do I care if those kids' moms want to make me their new BFF? Nope. If the kids are happy, I'm happy.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused... from the OP's original post, I didn't think she was referring as much to her own social life as just a general community feeling. The key thing (and this wasn't clear to me) is how her child feels. I have a child at a charter and I was at first concerned that it would be difficult to do playdates etc because of how spread out her classmates were. But the issue hasn't come up at all because there isn't time for playdates - we're busy on the weekend and she gets home as it is at 4. enough time to go to the library, play with her sibling, eat, bathe, get ready for bed. May be more of an issue during vacation periods...

[Anonymous]

OP -- what's your race? Sorry, but I'm a true city gal and mother, Janney and Mann are the burbs. My guess is the highlighted and blown-out crowd is mistrustful of you, and it wouldn't be shallow to assume it's your skin color or socio economic background. Come and eat me alive, all of you blunt cuts on your way out of Whole Foods at Tenley!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- what's your race? Sorry, but I'm a true city gal and mother, Janney and Mann are the burbs. My guess is the highlighted and blown-out crowd is mistrustful of you, and it wouldn't be shallow to assume it's your skin color or socio economic background. Come and eat me alive, all of you blunt cuts on your way out of Whole Foods at Tenley!!

Hi troll!

[Anonymous]

Janney parent here. It's my third year and one of my vest friends is oob anD in my sons class the lone oob studEnts is one of the leaders in his classroom. It's all in your approach I think. No one is left out strictly because they are oob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that the OP felt unwelcome. A school community should be exactly that -- a community in which everyone feels an equal and valued part.

Let me offer a different perspective, as a so-called "in bounds" parent for many years in a Ward 3 school with a slight majority of "out of bounds" students. (I do dislike both those terms -- maybe "local" and "lottery" would be better?). We have valued greatly the experience our child has had in forming friendships with children from around DC and of various backgrounds, and my comments below should not detract from our appreciation of that and the good education our child has received at the school.

However, it sometimes seemed like some OOB parents felt that the role of the IB parents was to "pay up and shut up." First of all, I always felt that I had to be careful of what I said. People would get upset if you referred to the school as a neighborhood school, even though the school has been an important part of its local community for over 100 years. Suggestions for program additions or improvements were sometimes met with skepticism if not outright disdain, lest the result might be to attract more IB families, and thereby reduce OOB spots, in the school. Yet when ever there was a need for additional funds, to cover a class actiivty or to make up the yearbook deficit, it seemed like the IB parents were always expected to be the first to pony up. Similarly a proposed modest increase in the suggested parent fee was opposed as being unfair to OOB families -- despite the appreciable number of them who dropped their kids off in Rovers, Benzes and other high-priced vehicles with those low-numbered DC tags. To be sure, there were a number of parents who lived locally and farther away who contributed generously of their time and treasure to the school. Nevertheless, there was this undercurrent...

Aah, yes, Eaton is an odd bird of a school. The pushback against efforts to make it stronger academically lest more neighbors send their kids there is quite disturbing, particularly since the feed back from Deal is that students coming from Eaton are relatively weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wait - so when parents who have known each other for years, and whose kids have known each other for years, hang out together, that's a clique? I always considered that "having friends." Silly me.

Yes, and when your friends and you never even think to invite the new kid over for football and pizza, nor do you invite the mom with you when you work out / get drinks / go to Costco / see a movie because that would be a nice thing to do, seeing as s/he's new, that's considered "being insular."

Bet that's never occurred to you.

You weren't responding to me, I'm 14:53. My DS is at a charter school so this is a non-issue for me, but still giving my two cents. Inviting the child to child-focused events is the nice thing to do and what should be done, at least if kids are still at an age where you are setting up playdates. But as far as inviting the mom to do things that are not at all child-focused? No way. With work, family obligations, school events, and everything else I barely have time to spend time with my real friends who I've known for years and am not going to invite someone I don't know to tag along just because their kid happens to be in the same class as mine.

Hmm, and they say DC women are cold and unfriendly. Whatever happened to people being open and friendly. It will come as a big, big surprise to learn that in other parts of the country a nice person would, in fact, reach out to another woman "just b/c their kid happens to be in the same class." Why is it that in DC this is such a foreign notion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider yourself lucky that DC has an OOB system or else you'd be forced to actually pony up the same housing cash as others who live IB. You want something better for less and dare complain about the mean moms? I thought this was about the children...

You don't know how much OP pays for housing! It has been many years since Ward 3 has had a near-monopoly on high property values. Many central neighborhoods cost much more, especially on a square-foot basis.

[Anonymous]

Oh- but I find that many schools have cliquey moms in common. I think it's just a sad byproduct of the way women relate to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- what's your race? Sorry, but I'm a true city gal and mother, Janney and Mann are the burbs. My guess is the highlighted and blown-out crowd is mistrustful of you, and it wouldn't be shallow to assume it's your skin color or socio economic background. Come and eat me alive, all of you blunt cuts on your way out of Whole Foods at Tenley!!

Nice try! We are black and have always felt very welcome at Janney. Never felt it was cliquey either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that the OP felt unwelcome. A school community should be exactly that -- a community in which everyone feels an equal and valued part.

Let me offer a different perspective, as a so-called "in bounds" parent for many years in a Ward 3 school with a slight majority of "out of bounds" students. (I do dislike both those terms -- maybe "local" and "lottery" would be better?). We have valued greatly the experience our child has had in forming friendships with children from around DC and of various backgrounds, and my comments below should not detract from our appreciation of that and the good education our child has received at the school.

However, it sometimes seemed like some OOB parents felt that the role of the IB parents was to "pay up and shut up." First of all, I always felt that I had to be careful of what I said. People would get upset if you referred to the school as a neighborhood school, even though the school has been an important part of its local community for over 100 years. Suggestions for program additions or improvements were sometimes met with skepticism if not outright disdain, lest the result might be to attract more IB families, and thereby reduce OOB spots, in the school. Yet when ever there was a need for additional funds, to cover a class actiivty or to make up the yearbook deficit, it seemed like the IB parents were always expected to be the first to pony up. Similarly a proposed modest increase in the suggested parent fee was opposed as being unfair to OOB families -- despite the appreciable number of them who dropped their kids off in Rovers, Benzes and other high-priced vehicles with those low-numbered DC tags. To be sure, there were a number of parents who lived locally and farther away who contributed generously of their time and treasure to the school. Nevertheless, there was this undercurrent...

Aah, yes, Eaton is an odd bird of a school. The pushback against efforts to make it stronger academically lest more neighbors send their kids there is quite disturbing, particularly since the feed back from Deal is that students coming from Eaton are relatively weak.

Eaton needs to follow Mann's technique and phase out the OOB. Seriously. They are killing our schools. Also see Hearst and Hardy.

[Anonymous]

Do people really invite friends to go to Costco? That is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Friends don't make friends go to Costco.