Awful Mother's Day. Am I married to a selfish jerK?

[Anonymous]

Tell him now or regret it later.

Or else he really has you beat, doesn't he? You are so afraid/unwilling to make him angry for an afternoon (by telling him this hurt your feelings) that you would rather be hurt/pissed every mother's day in the future. Either you're a doormat or a martyr if you play that game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to piggy-back on other pp’s but I really want the following message to hit home.

MOST marital issues are caused by a lack of communication or a failure to communicate clearly.

If you do not articulate your feelings and expectations, you have no right to continue being angry about it. If Mothers’ Day is important to you, you need to let him know in strong terms that it is important and that you expect him to help the kids get something together going forward. Accept no excuses and set the bar!!!

My DH is a great guy. He is a terrific dad and my biggest supporter. However, he is a very poor mind-reader. He is not malicious about it, but he was raised by his dad in a house with 4 brothers (no sisters) and he is wired to think like a clueless guy. So for the first couple of Mom’s Days, I had to clearly tell him that I expected a small gift, dinner and a day off. And I got what I wanted.

Bottom line – Communicate your feelings and expectations. You will be spending a lot of time being angry if you expect your DH to figure out what is important to you and then getting angry if he does not figure it out. That is a road to disaster and an unhappy marriage.

I totally agree. I definitely don't want a Hallmark Mother's Day - a little extra appreciation, love and affection on Mother's Day is perfect. But, it's up to me to communicate with DH about what my needs and expectations are. Even then, sometimes he's a little forgetful but in other ways and on other days he makes sure I know how much he loves and apreciates me.

[Anonymous]

OP I totally feel you! This happened to me last year (at my 1st Mother's Day)!!! Because his mother came over and she wanted to celebrate we ended up going to a restaurant that I idenitfied, reserved, etc. I never forgave im and finally decided to tell him how I felt several weeks later. When Father's Day rolled around, I didn't plan anything, but his mother isnsted that we go out to eat. So we ended up going to a restaurant (which I paid for everyone), but always resented that we never did anything special on Mother's Day.

However, this year he asked me in advance what I wanted for MOther's Day. Yes, I was happy that he remembered, but then again I was disappointed that he had to ask me and not do anyhting on his own. My answer to him was, "All I want is to feel appreciated." He then turned and said that was a lot harder to do why couldn't I just say a gift or restaurant. I was so hurt by that statement that I walked away. Then, he brought up the fact that it's such a stressful day for him because he has to satisfy both his mother's needs and mine and it would be so much easier if I liked her so we can just go to dinner. I was appalled that he even said that because I never disliked his mother. I asked him why he thought that and he sadi because last year I was being rude to his mother. So of course we had another argument over last Mother's Day and had to explain to him inmore simple terms of what eeally bothered me, that he never took the time to celebrate/ plan my first Mother's Day. Also, that I had to make dinner reservations while he and his mother were in the living room watching TV, why couldn't he do it? I failed to mention that he's such a Mama's Boy.

So what happend this year? Well, Saturday night, he was very sweet and mushy, after the baby went to sleep we ate dinner (nothing special), but then made me a wonderful cocktail (I rarely drink) and told me to just sit and relax, then he disappeared. After 45 minutes he told me to follow him upstairs so we can watch TV in bed instead. We took me to our bathroom and the entire room was filled with lit candles with a bubble bath waiting for me. I was shocked! I tried to say something, but he shusshed me, undressed me and walked me to the tub (had a pillow and everything ready), handed me a refilled cocktail and told me to listen. I told him to get in and he said no, it was all for me. He then told me all the reasons why he loves and appreciates me. I was totally floored! Then, the next day we woke up and he gave me a card with more mushy stuff he wrote with a pearl necklace. He totally surpised me and definitely made it up for last year as well! Then, of course we went to his mom's (brought takeout with us) and had a wonderful and relaxing day with his mom!!! I have to say he couldn't have planned it better. His mom was satisfied, he wasn't stressed, and I definitely enjoyed it!!!!

So my point is...you have to tell him how you feel and why it hurt you. Guys aren't smart when it comes to emotions, but they can listen and be guided. I hope that next year it will be better for you, but like the other posters said, communication is key. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'd be pissed. I can tell you what I'd do but I'm me and you're you - I'd take his credit card and splurge on myself. I'd schedule a hair appt., a massage and have dinner with friends. I'm sorry, but he should have acknowledged you on Mother's Day (did he send a card to his mom?).

[Anonymous]

I feel you, I too had a really crappy mothers day... First of all my husband and I have 4 kids, so I am a mother to many...

My husband and I had just gotten back for a trip with the in-laws. It was a 6 hr drive (yes on mother's day), and we left early so we were home by 11am. I knew that everyone would be tired so my hope was to order pizza, and watch movies for the rest of the day (that's all I really wanted). My husband ended up falling asleep not to long after we got home, and slept for the rest of the day. During all of this I took care of the kids, and unpacked everything. No card, no happy mothers day (and he knew what day it was), no candy, and no pizza, and no movies. I was very sad (and still am). When I wrote about being a little disappointed in my blog (http://merandilegates.blogspot.com/), he ended up getting really mad at me...

Yeah still no "I'm sorry hun."

[Anonymous]

My goodness, everyone here appears to have a life with enough time and energy left at the end of the day to think about themselves, their desires, their needs and their wants. Quite nice indeed.

Did anyone hear that the third world is just aroud the corner? When was the last time that you donated money to the unemployed struggling to provided for their families, or volunteered to feed the area homeless, or went to help with the sanitation infrastructure in a world village? Did you recently send a care passage or letter to our soldiers?

Oh, I see, you are very busy -- what with work, the kids in school, sports schedules and and all that traffic.

I am sorry that your husband forgot about Mothers Day. In most marriages (even good ones), there will inevitably be one (or maybe more) forgotten birthday, Valentines Day, Mothers Day or Anniversary.

Please find it in your heart to forgive your husband. It sounds like he gave in to the pressures and demands of a rigorous jobs that pays enough to keep a roof over your head, food on your table, and clothes on your back.

Amen for that, sister!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, everyone here appears to have a life with enough time and energy left at the end of the day to think about themselves, their desires, their needs and their wants. Quite nice indeed.

Did anyone hear that the third world is just aroud the corner? When was the last time that you donated money to the unemployed struggling to provided for their families, or volunteered to feed the area homeless, or went to help with the sanitation infrastructure in a world village? Did you recently send a care passage or letter to our soldiers?

Oh, I see, you are very busy -- what with work, the kids in school, sports schedules and and all that traffic.

I am sorry that your husband forgot about Mothers Day. In most marriages (even good ones), there will inevitably be one (or maybe more) forgotten birthday, Valentines Day, Mothers Day or Anniversary.

Please find it in your heart to forgive your husband. It sounds like he gave in to the pressures and demands of a rigorous jobs that pays enough to keep a roof over your head, food on your table, and clothes on your back.

Amen for that, sister!

Wow, just wow. Did you miss the part where OPs husband went shopping the day before and didn't think to get anything?

[Anonymous]

Is it just me, or does it sound like 20:44 and 20:49 and their posts that followed have extremely similar writing styles?? I almost wonder if they're the same person arguing with him/herself..

OP I can completely relate to this... completely.. My husband did manage to pick up a plant for Mother's Day but that is the first thing besides Christmas that he's done for me since my first mother's day.. and I really think that he only did it because he was feeling guilty over an argument that we had.. It bothers me a little, but I also understand how busy he is, so I try to let it roll off my shoulders.. He is an absolutely wonderful man otherwise though.. I'm not suggesting that you do the same.. I think that if it truly bothers you, and continues to bother you, or if it's a repetitive thing (I gathered that it might be..) than it's worth talking about.. I would focus on the fact that you want to feel appreciated.. Not necessarily on the gift factor itself.. That way you're able to better get your point across without coming across as a "selfish jerk".. Because IMO, appreciation is really what Mother's Day is all about.. and you definitely deserve appreciation for all you do with two children so young!! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, everyone here appears to have a life with enough time and energy left at the end of the day to think about themselves, their desires, their needs and their wants. Quite nice indeed.

Did anyone hear that the third world is just aroud the corner? When was the last time that you donated money to the unemployed struggling to provided for their families, or volunteered to feed the area homeless, or went to help with the sanitation infrastructure in a world village? Did you recently send a care passage or letter to our soldiers?

Oh, I see, you are very busy -- what with work, the kids in school, sports schedules and and all that traffic.

I am sorry that your husband forgot about Mothers Day. In most marriages (even good ones), there will inevitably be one (or maybe more) forgotten birthday, Valentines Day, Mothers Day or Anniversary.

Please find it in your heart to forgive your husband. It sounds like he gave in to the pressures and demands of a rigorous jobs that pays enough to keep a roof over your head, food on your table, and clothes on your back.

Amen for that, sister!

PP.... When was the last time YOU donated money to the unemployed struggling to provide for their families, or volunteered to feed the area homeless, or went to help with the sanitation infrastructure in a world village? Did YOU recently send a care package or letter to our soldiers?? Or are YOU too busy casting stones to upset strangers on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

To PP 6:28.

I donate to charities and volunteer at my church. And there is never a time I pass someone asking for money on the sidewalk or at a stoplight, that I do not reach into my purse to give them something.

Look, I am no better than you, my neighbor, the OP or anyone else for that matter. All I am trying to say is that if we look outside ourselves to problems in the larger world, then we might be able to overlook and forgive our spouse's oversight (however glaring).

I did not receive a gift or card this mothers day despite the fact that I take care of our three children and am sheperding us through a very stressful work period. But I have been married long enough to know that I do not need a mothers day gift to know that my husband loves and appreciates me.

(Though I did manage to buy DH two casual shirts and a nice pair of shorts that day).