How to tell a teen their rudeness makes it hard to want to do nice things for them?

[Anonymous]

When my kid went through this stage, he'd say he needed a ride to x, y, z's house and I'd tell him that I wasn't inclined to give him a ride when he was flat out rude to me earlier. I modeled how he should've asked me and then that was the end of that conversation.

The next time he was sassy, I reminded him of how he should ask me for things and then just waited for him to respond appropriately. It worked 90% of the time. Then that stage passed and that was the end of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be a good role model. Stop slagging on your friends and family members who aren't in the room. No snark on your part, no sarcastic quips. No gossip. No swearing. You say please and thank you every time, too. You wait your turn very patiently in line. You're very nice to clerks and service people..If they're having trouble you say no worries, I'm not in a hurry. You be the person you are expecting your teens to be, times ten.

This is op. You're basically describing me. This hasn't been enough.

Adding on to say that this is one reason why I don't want to model "I'm only nice to you when you're nice to me." I teach that we bring kindness and being rude doesn't make the clerk go faster or make a brusque waiter be nicer or help most situations in general. If anything, I might be modeling being a pushover and should probably be careful.

The teen rudeness generally is just at home, as far as I've observed, but who knows exactly what goes on among friends.

I think you may have inadvertently taught your kid the wrong lesson and they do think you’re a pushover. In reality most people won’t be nice if you are rude to them and they need to learn that lesson. For most people it get learned quickly

[Anonymous]

My teen says mockingly sometimes, "I love you but I don't love your behavior" because that's what we have consistently told her when she was rude, disrespectful, or sassy in the past. We dealt with this around 13 a lot and DH and I simply did not tolerate it. We told her if she was being rude, offered alternative ways for her to say what she wanted or felt, and even walked away at times and told her we would not engage when she continued to behave rudely to us. We explained that we don't have to offer rides and don't have to do many of the things we do for her. She understands we are her parents, not her friends. Several years later, we have a good relationship but she understands that boundaries exist and will be enforced by both of her parents consistently. And she knows when we give her a certain look to stop it or we will deal out consequences.

[Anonymous]

I say that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be direct. "Why do you think I'd want to do something for someone who's rude to me?"

I’d tweak this to ask why I’d want to go out of my way to do something extra, or beyond the basic clothe/house/feed part of parenting, for someone who’s rude to me.

I’d also ask them why they think it’s ok to be rude to me.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this so much right now! It makes me feel better to know it’s not just me. Mine has been a jerk this weekend, and just got her period. I think PMS hormones may have something to do with it, but good God…!

[Anonymous]

Nice to everyone but the one person who is nicest to her!