How to tell a teen their rudeness makes it hard to want to do nice things for them?

[Anonymous]

I took my 13 to an WNBA game as she hoops and she sat there looking miserable and hunched over.

On the walk to the car I straight up said: “‘If this is your demeanor and body language at school, work or basketball you will be kicked to the curb. People assume you don’t wanna be there and will treat you accordingly. Sure you can do it for me until you’re 18 but get it together for your sake.’”

Shall see what sticks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s two kinds of teen sass and I classify them differently.

There’s the blatantly rude: ugh mom you’re the worst, I hate you, I can’t believe you graduated college, that’s so dumb, etc.

Then there’s the rude that happens because they’re teens who think they know everything but aren’t actually being mean: e.g. you ask a question and they have a snappy tone when they answer but the words aren’t bad, just the tone. You check in on their homework/college apps and they sigh exasperatedly and teensplain how they’re on top of it (even if they’re not). They get irritated when you say something completely innocuous that wouldn’t have irritated them two years ago.

The first type of sass is when I would draw the line and hold back from going overboard with helping them with whatever they want. I would give them a ride to a friends house 5-10 min away, I wouldn’t drive them 2 hours to an amusement park.

It’s important to remember that in order to launch, teens need to separate, and to do that they have to push away a little.

And conditional love…you should check on that. Check on your reactions and make sure you’re not taking normal teen attitude to personally. Because if YOU push THEM away then they will just see that part, not their bit in it. So yes check the blatant teen meanness, but don’t overreact on the general sass.

Op here. Thanks for this reminder. I keep telling myself they need to differentiate. I vividly remember being a teen and sometimes snapping at my mom when she didn't deserve it.

I think I'm getting both types of rudeness now. It's hard not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be a good role model. Stop slagging on your friends and family members who aren't in the room. No snark on your part, no sarcastic quips. No gossip. No swearing. You say please and thank you every time, too. You wait your turn very patiently in line. You're very nice to clerks and service people..If they're having trouble you say no worries, I'm not in a hurry. You be the person you are expecting your teens to be, times ten.

Huh? This isnt about gossiping, this is about behaving rude and disrespectful. I’d bet they do it only at home and not to teachers or coaches or friends.

[Anonymous]

Think about what "being nice" means. It doesn't have to mean going out of your way to do favors for people. I try to be polite to clerks, etc., not because it makes the line go faster, but because it makes our shared society more pleasant then being a jerk. That's not quid pro quo. But if you want someone to go out of their way for you, yeah, you'd better not just have insulted them.

[Anonymous]

They refused to practice piano and when I started tutoring math and teaching piano to their peers they course corrected.

I think I need a parent exchange for the tutoring— everyone’s kids listen 100% better to any adult but their own parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but i am stuck in the same stage as you it sucks

Many of us are in this stage because this is normal teen development. I’m direct and blunt like the other poster when it gets really bad, but she’s my youngest so I know it also gets better.

I’ve told her people don’t want to do things for people who are rude and she can’t be nasty (or worse, be insulting) and expect me to drive her places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My consequence for the very first time they showed me attitude or rudeness is putting a stop to it. My kids are 100% allowed to debate and disagree with me. But, they cannot be rude, yell, show attitude. They are told and reminded that what the consequences will be.

I am raising a family. Not a Democracy. At the end of it all, my words are the last words. I will give them explanation and logic too. If I find merit in their logic and explanation - then I will agree to them.

What do I do? I don't reason. I will chastise them immediately. I withdraw my affection, I tell them to go to their room, all privileges are revoked, no electronics, I don't want to talk to them or see their faces. My kids have usually come back and apologized.

I love my kids and I am a doting mom. But unlike my softie DH who will do anything for the kids - my love is 100% conditional. I don't abide rude and toxic behavior. I don't do this to people and I don't accept it from people.

Yikes

Paging future therapists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They refused to practice piano and when I started tutoring math and teaching piano to their peers they course corrected.

I think I need a parent exchange for the tutoring— everyone’s kids listen 100% better to any adult but their own parent!

Yes, I think a parent exchange would help a lot with the college application process. That's basically what kids need anyway, someone who can double check that they're meeting all the deadlines and not missing anything without all the emotional baggage.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My amusement park example was easier for me to say no to than to the sports tournament that may be optional but the kids signed up and now have an obligation to their teammates or coaches. I don't want to drive but that's now an obligation.

I'm torn between modeling that "we always follow through when we make a commitment" and "I have enough self respect not to go out of my way to inconvenience myself for people who don't treat me kindly."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be a good role model. Stop slagging on your friends and family members who aren't in the room. No snark on your part, no sarcastic quips. No gossip. No swearing. You say please and thank you every time, too. You wait your turn very patiently in line. You're very nice to clerks and service people..If they're having trouble you say no worries, I'm not in a hurry. You be the person you are expecting your teens to be, times ten.

This is op. You're basically describing me. This hasn't been enough.

Adding on to say that this is one reason why I don't want to model "I'm only nice to you when you're nice to me." I teach that we bring kindness and being rude doesn't make the clerk go faster or make a brusque waiter be nicer or help most situations in general. If anything, I might be modeling being a pushover and should probably be careful.

The teen rudeness generally is just at home, as far as I've observed, but who knows exactly what goes on among friends.

I think you're overthinking. You're not teaching them "I'll only be nice to you if you're nice to me". You're teaching them "when you are rude or nasty to someone, they aren't going to go out of their way to be kind and helpful to you". And that's a fine lesson to teach. Which is exactly what you're trying to teach with your "don't be rude to the cashier, it won't make them go faster". It's fine to teach your kid that if they are intentionally rude and mean, they shouldn't expect kindness from others. And if people are rude or mean to them, they have no obligation to go out of their way for them because "it's the right thing to do".

[Anonymous]

It’s not acceptable for you to be rude to your family. It’s not acceptable to be like that to anyone, but especially not your family you does so much for you.

It’s not acceptable for you to take out your frustration with your coach/teammate/teacher/self on your family. We are happy to talk through it with you, but you cannot storm around, yell at us or be rude. Your priorities do not govern the whole family. If you need to take a shower/walk around the block, take some deep breaths, that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can say the words in my question, and I have said variations of this, but it's not quite working and it also doesn't feel like the way I want to model an interaction. It seems like there's something wrong with saying "be nice to people so they give you things back" when generally we expect manners even when nothing is expected in return.

I want my kids to know that I love them unconditionally but if they go around being sassy or rude I'm not going to want to to things that inconvenience me like drive them and their friends to an amusement park a couple hours away or go out of my way to get extra nice birthday presents.

Somehow it comes out wrong, like I'm bribing them to be nice.

Anyone have an effective way to convey this sentiment?

Stop doing things for them and tell them why. "I'm not driving you to the amusement park because you're rude to me." The only way someone learns to stop being rude (IMO) is when they realize their actions have consequences. There's no guarantee it will work, but if you keep taking them places or getting nice presents, they won't have any incentive to stop.

I agree with this in theory. In reality I get a huffy "fine, I won't ever do anything fun again" and a teen who withdraws and is even more rude and avoids spending time at home or talking to anyone.

How long does this behavior go on for when you've denied a request? A day or two? Or longer? If it's a significant length of time, I would actually consider reaching out to a professional for support and guidance. It's not healthy behavior. Yes, teens withdrawal, but this is manipulative. I would just be concerned about how he/she might start unstable relationship patterns as they move into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be direct. "Why do you think I'd want to do something for someone who's rude to me?"

+1

+2
My mom actually said this to me when I was being a snotty teen: "I'm not going to go out of my way to do nice things for someone who's not nice to me." Even at the time, I felt like that was fair, and it really changed how I acted towards her (at least, most of the time).

I said something along these lines to my 15yo DS about 6-8 months ago and it flipped a switch where he now always says thank you. He still teensplains at times but I give him The Look and he backs off. I think he needed to be ready to hear it.

[Anonymous]

This was probably the wrong reaction but I told one of my children bluntly that I had no desire to drive them places, that I was doing it as a favor to them, and if they wanted to play this game then they need to figure it out on their own.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by rude? My son doesn't call me names or say bad things about me or roll his eyes, but he is generally somewhat brusque, untalkative, and not friendly or interactive. I would not say anything to him. That level of behavior doesn't change whether I would do something for him, it'll pass and is a stage. If he was being affirmatively rude or aggressive, that would be a different story.