the Suburban Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is from 2014, so the moms in it would be elder Millennials at a minimum, and more likely Gen X, as it sounds like they had preschool or even school age children in 2014. I wonder if things are different for mom groups these days. Can your average 40 year old couple with, say, a 3 year old and a 6 year old, even afford a ritzy suburb with a SAHM? All the high income couples I know in rich areas have two working parents, or if they do have a SAH or part time working mom, the kids are maybe a bit older and mom seems to be more in the early 50s/“early retirement” situation.

This is such a whiny young Millennial/Gen Z thing to say. Plenty of people in their 30s are one income families in the rich suburbs. In fact, where I live, it’s probably half.

I’m glad you thought I was a “young Millennial Gen Z,” but really I’m an elder Millennial! I just don’t know many SAHM families other than for a short time when kids were very little.

You don’t know them but they’re out there.

[Anonymous]

Massachusetts is very neighborhood insular especially compared to DMV. A lot of people live near where they were born. Cliques are neighborhood of origin based.

[Anonymous]

I don't recognize myself or any of the moms I know around here. Having said that, all the moms of my son's friends in our neighborhood work and we are in DC, EOTP. We have a group text of about 20 families. Most of the text chain revolves around one parent sending their kid out to play at the school to see who else is going to join. The text chain also keeps track of where the kids are in the neighborhood. ("I have x, y and Z at my house. I'm feeding them a snack and sending them back out," type of messages It is used to convey information and for carpooling as this group of boys are involved in various sports together.

From the outside it might look like a clique, but I don't think there is a "queen bee." The text chain includes both parents of the boys and when there are get togethers, there is always a "more the merrier attitude."

[Anonymous]

Not much rang true to me except this part:
<They get close very quickly to learn secrets that can be used against people at a later date. “I’ve seen clients in tears talking about how they’d discuss a marital issue with the Queen Bee, and then it would be shared with the group,” Hurowitz says. “Queen Bees believe that they are in charge of disseminating information, and that’s part of how they maintain power.”>

Gossip gets brutal and embellished, some are really into exaggerating and spreading it, they are often gleeful about it and will carry any morsel of it for years.

The part about financially keeping up in terms of outings or clothing is more of a personal choice and not something others expect from their friends. People come as they are and all like to act like they are down to earth, helpful and kind types who look out for each other's kids but they cant shake the thrill of gossip. Anyone who denies that is full of it.

[Anonymous]

This article reminded me of my suburb. I had planned to quit working but my job is way better than dealing with the moms in my town. I assume they are miserable to act the way that they do.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a social MoCo suburb- there is a group of mom friends, some people are closer than others, some people are annoying and try some this social gamesmanship, but it's not nearly as dramatic as anything in the article oe what I've read here on DCUM.

But! We aren't in a $$$$ suburb - so that might be it. But also I'm in the social
circle enough to not feel left out, but not so much that if there was a dramatic implosion and fracturing of the group that my day to day life would be impacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social MoCo suburb- there is a group of mom friends, some people are closer than others, some people are annoying and try some this social gamesmanship, but it's not nearly as dramatic as anything in the article oe what I've read here on DCUM.

But! We aren't in a $$$$ suburb - so that might be it. But also I'm in the social
circle enough to not feel left out, but not so much that if there was a dramatic implosion and fracturing of the group that my day to day life would be impacted.

If an implosion wouldn’t impact you, you’re unaware of what you’re left out of. I was with a mom from my neighborhood driving girls to a football game this fall and she got no less than 70 text messages from a neighborhood side chat in the 20 minute ride there and 20 minute ride back. It’s all consuming for some of these women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social MoCo suburb- there is a group of mom friends, some people are closer than others, some people are annoying and try some this social gamesmanship, but it's not nearly as dramatic as anything in the article oe what I've read here on DCUM.

But! We aren't in a $$$$ suburb - so that might be it. But also I'm in the social
circle enough to not feel left out, but not so much that if there was a dramatic implosion and fracturing of the group that my day to day life would be impacted.

If an implosion wouldn’t impact you, you’re unaware of what you’re left out of. I was with a mom from my neighborhood driving girls to a football game this fall and she got no less than 70 text messages from a neighborhood side chat in the 20 minute ride there and 20 minute ride back. It’s all consuming for some of these women.

Probably a dance mom

[Anonymous]

The article was terrible and I've never encountered mom groups like that. Also, any idiot who gives up all their old friends because they moved to a new area deserves to then be dropped by their new group. I don't have a lot of sympathy for that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The group element is not true for me at all -- I've never been a member of one of these cliques where membership is defined and controlled by a "queen bee".

However, the dynamics ring true for me, for a lot of the relationships between adult women, especially mothers. Most female friendships are honestly really shallow and often based on transactional aspects, or just convenient. Many women are very gossipy and judgmental, especially of other mothers. I have a small number of true friends and most I've known for decades, so our relationships are beyond that kind of thing. But friendships among fellow parents at daycare or elementary school? They tend to be shallow and hierarchical and involve these kinds of backbiting and judgment, in my experience. I view it as something I have to endure in this stage of my life, and not a true source of friendship.

I'm luck to have other friends, and also I think to be older and better able to handle some of the loneliness that comes with parenting in this day and age than I would have been when I was younger.

Do you mean that most women only have these kinds of shallow friendships or that if you were to line up all your friends, most of them are shallow friendships? I don't get what you're saying at all, I have multiple friendships, some going back 30+ years, and none of them are shallow. Sure, I have some shallow acquaintance-ships, but not real friendships. Those aren't shallow at all. Maybe it's you.

[Anonymous]

I've lived in the suburbs for 15 years and I've encountered cliques for sure, but never "mean girl cliques". I'd say the closest I've gotten was a group of families in preschool that were already close who invited us to join a dinner party. We had a good time, but were never invited to another group gathering again so I guess we didn't pass their group test. They were all still perfectly nice to us, we remained friendly with one of the couples, but we just didn't hang out with the group ever again. So no "mean girl" situation, just we didn't click, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Massachusetts is very neighborhood insular especially compared to DMV. A lot of people live near where they were born. Cliques are neighborhood of origin based.

This tracks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Massachusetts is very neighborhood insular especially compared to DMV. A lot of people live near where they were born. Cliques are neighborhood of origin based.

This tracks.

The Boston suburbs have a lot of people who went to school around the Boston annd Cambridge area and stayed so they are more likely to start these bougie groups. The people who grew up here aren’t so much the problem, they have close friends and family and aren’t as insecure.

[Anonymous]

I've been hearing about these Queen Bees since Rosalind Wiseman's book came out, and I can't wait to meet one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in the suburbs for 15 years and I've encountered cliques for sure, but never "mean girl cliques". I'd say the closest I've gotten was a group of families in preschool that were already close who invited us to join a dinner party. We had a good time, but were never invited to another group gathering again so I guess we didn't pass their group test. They were all still perfectly nice to us, we remained friendly with one of the couples, but we just didn't hang out with the group ever again. So no "mean girl" situation, just we didn't click, I guess.

It's probably not that you didn't click! It's probably just that whoever hosted next didn't think of it or didn't know you well enough to deal with the extra headcount. Also, you're supposed to invite them to something next!