If your parents paid for your college and/or home …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youse guys are all richuns

It's amazing how far a command of the English language can get you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:… did you take care of them (could be by repaying them) or did you take the money and run? If the latter, did you feel entitled to the money they spent on your post HS education and/or house?

My parents paid for my college. I took it as a future loan to my children’s college education. DH and I paid for our children’s college.

My sister and I helped out when our parent’s had some medical issues as they aged. After my mother passed and my father got sick, we moved him into my house for what was the last nine months of his life. However, it was not tied to the fact that they had paid for our college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about repaying parents financially. I’m interested in whether people felt entitled to the money like you expected it. If your parents did not pay, would you have made the same like choices? Would your relationship with your parents be different?

-OP

In my family, parents paying for college was understood by everyone to be part of the bargain. It was a sacrifice for them and I knew it, but they did not believe that it being a sacrifice was a reason not to do it.

I was expected to make best efforts to reduce the price, which I did by getting merit aid and completing college in three years.

Neither side has any residual expectations related to this. We will do the same for our kid.

In forty thousand years, neither my parents nor I would have expected them to pay for a house. One of the reasons they paid for me to go to college was so I could be financially self-sufficient as an adult. This is better for everyone IMO.

I would of course help them financially if they needed it and I had the ability to, but the underlying ideas about money that drove these decisions on their side also mean they don’t and won’t need financial help. Neither of them was a particularly high earner, but they saved and invested like a house afire.

Like many Boomers, they do not want to admit that they are aging and so far they reject offers of practical/caretaking-type help. So IDK whether I will really get tested in that way or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done their best for me and my children. They also did the best they could for their own parents, ILs and other family members.

Similarly, I will do my best for my parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, kids, grandkids.

This is how normal family behaves.

But, OP is giving me White people vibes, so it is always entertaining. I mean talk about messed up.

Now you've just made things weird. I'm a white person whose parents paid for college and I'm appreciative and I love them and will do what I can to make sure they have a good old age. No non-white people have weird family dynamics?

Is this necessary?

Also white. There is absolutely no question to me that race (and class!) play roles in how families approach the financial distinctions between generations, if they are made much at all. Taking affront at this idea is very…white.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but not because we have to, but because we want to. There are 4 of us and our parents paid for all of our college education. It was about $350k in the 90s for the 4 of us. Mix of public and private colleges. We are all successful, all making over $200K now.

We take care of our Mom rather than put her in memory care. It has its challenges, but we all take turns. Circle of life.

[Anonymous]

I think the answer for this turns on the personality of the child.

I have many siblings. When we were growing up we were pretty wealthy. Parents said they would pay for whatever college we went to. 3 of my siblings went to expensive privates, 1 to a less expensive private. I looked at 3 schools and decided on in state because I didn’t think it was worth the monetary difference for private. Then I got a job as an RA which covered room and board my last several years. For the record I loved both my college and the job. My parents offered spending money. At first I took it and then I declined starting after Thanksgiving my freshman year. I used my summer money which was more than enough for me. I went to a private law school. I took their money the first year, but went to a particular school because I got a significant scholarship toward my first year. For my second and third year I decided I’d be happier taking loans for school and getting a job for living expenses. Far from chump change my parents contributed about $40k to my undergrad and law school but frankly they gave my most of my siblings more than that each year of undergrad and grad school

Im not exactly sure why I felt that way at that age but I felt very strongly about it. I was important to me and I never regretted it. That said, I was extremely successful at a young age making millions a year by early 30s. My parents meanwhile lost most everything and divorced. They had some money but not enough to live somewhere decent. I didn’t buy them the places that they wanted but I did buy them small places to live in their ideal locations that gave them more than they needed. My only condition is that no one can know that I helped them.

I try to donate generously annually and I try to help people out who need help when I encounter them.

My siblings are good people but even the wealthier ones don’t help my parents financially (they aren’t wrong- my parents make bad choices). I do because I can.

It’s just my personality. We all grew up together so we were raised the same.

[Anonymous]

They paid for my undergraduate degree and in turn I paid for my child’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done their best for me and my children. They also did the best they could for their own parents, ILs and other family members.

Similarly, I will do my best for my parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, kids, grandkids.

This is how normal family behaves.

But, OP is giving me White people vibes, so it is always entertaining. I mean talk about messed up.

I agree. We have a couple of people in our family that don’t lift a finger for the older family members. Our 95 year old grandmother lives alone and needs daily check ins. She has hired help part time but most family is close by. Some family members seem to forget all she did for them while growing up.

There are three grandchildren who have serious relationships with Latinos. One is married, two long term relationships. One female, two males, all from Latin America. The difference between them and the White in-laws is night and day. Our Latino family members were taught to respect their elder relatives and take care of them. They visit grandma more than her own children.

Americans aren’t great at taking care of their elderly parents or single great aunts. The three generation families I know from my town are immigrants, usually Asian families who take care of each other.

[Anonymous]

College wasn't a choice. My mom did the applications and choose my college. I had no say. No, I don't owe them anything. They try to throw it up to me. They've been kind and generous to others but not to me post college. In fact they are unkind, to put it nicely. They choose my sibling to handle everything and she's getting most of the money, so nope, not helping. Now, I did care for my MIL for years as she was loving and kind to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done their best for me and my children. They also did the best they could for their own parents, ILs and other family members.

Similarly, I will do my best for my parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, kids, grandkids.

This is how normal family behaves.

But, OP is giving me White people vibes, so it is always entertaining. I mean talk about messed up.

I agree. We have a couple of people in our family that don’t lift a finger for the older family members. Our 95 year old grandmother lives alone and needs daily check ins. She has hired help part time but most family is close by. Some family members seem to forget all she did for them while growing up.

There are three grandchildren who have serious relationships with Latinos. One is married, two long term relationships. One female, two males, all from Latin America. The difference between them and the White in-laws is night and day. Our Latino family members were taught to respect their elder relatives and take care of them. They visit grandma more than her own children.

Americans aren’t great at taking care of their elderly parents or single great aunts. The three generation families I know from my town are immigrants, usually Asian families who take care of each other.

How much do you help? I look at it as how I am treated. My mom said some cruel things about my child which was really bizzare as they are a great kid, so nope... they've never once babysat, rarely even buy a gift for the kids, etc... they live close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done their best for me and my children. They also did the best they could for their own parents, ILs and other family members.

Similarly, I will do my best for my parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, kids, grandkids.

This is how normal family behaves.

But, OP is giving me White people vibes, so it is always entertaining. I mean talk about messed up.

Now you've just made things weird. I'm a white person whose parents paid for college and I'm appreciative and I love them and will do what I can to make sure they have a good old age. No non-white people have weird family dynamics?

Is this necessary?

Also white. There is absolutely no question to me that race (and class!) play roles in how families approach the financial distinctions between generations, if they are made much at all. Taking affront at this idea is very…white.

You're right. I dashed off my comment without thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did I take the money and run?? What?!

Money rolls downhill. My grandparents paid for my parents' college education and then my parents paid for mine. I fully intend to pay for my 3 kids' colleges. They never expected anything of me, but I did say thank you. I think all any parent wants is for their kids to grow up and live a productive life. I'm not sure I felt entitled to it at the time, but currently I feel like you shouldn't bring children into the world unless you can support them.

I'm very close to my parents. I doubt they'll ever need money, but I would care for them if something arose. I don't think they could live with me though.

Money doesn’t pay for everything. My elderly, childless relative is finding that out. He is out of state and I do what I can, but often the senior and assisted living apartment people often tell him that things he is asking for and willing to pay for are not available and he need family.

I’m also of the opinion that even if parents can afford it, children should be largely the responsible for paying for college, wedding, and housing. If they are not financially able yet, they may need to wait. So many young people in the DMV are out of touch with the real world. Give them a couple thousand (if you’re able) here and there but the responsibility remains with the person who is going to college, getting married, or buying a house.

As for money rolling down hill, maybe it shouldn’t roll at all.

FWIW I paid for college, house, wedding on my own (the last two with a spouse).

It is cruel to not help your kids with college, if you can afford it. As long as they are actually "doing well at college" and not just there to party their life away.

We also plan to help with house and wedding and grandkids education, because we can. But I understand the mentality of them being responsible themselves.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid for my undergraduate and graduate educations, with no quid pro quo requirement. Later in life, I managed their care when they were in decline, also with no quid pro quo requirement. I paid for my child's education so he could graduate debt-free as I did, and take him and his fiancee on expensive vacations with us, for the pleasure of their company and not with the expectation that they will somehow repay me in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a weird question. It’s very normal in middle and upper middle class families to help with college. If my parents could not have afforded it, there would have been a discussion and I’d have figured something else out (likely with their help). They expect nothing in return for paying, just like I will expect nothing in return when I pay for my children’s college.

+1 education was super important to my parents, there were expectations and also pressure. But I also knew that after I put in the hard work, they would pay for college. They also paid for grad school. I am grateful in retrospect and we have a good relationship now. I wouldn't say it's "obligation" on my end but just all part of a mutual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about repaying parents financially. I’m interested in whether people felt entitled to the money like you expected it. If your parents did not pay, would you have made the same like choices? Would your relationship with your parents be different?

-OP

I truly don't understand what you are asking. People have to make college choices based on financial options, so of course parents who are paying for college are going to impact the decisions their kids make. I chose to go to a state flagship university because that was what my parents could afford to pay for, and going to the private SLAC that was my first choice would have entailed me borrowing a ton of money for undergrad. I knew I wanted to go to law school and decided that much debt was too much, so I chose the in-state school that my parents could afford to send me to. I was 18 so had no other source of college funding, like the vast majority of 18 year olds. Yes, I "took the money and ran" in that I.... went to college? I graduated with excellent grades and did attend law school, which I funded myself with loans. I don't know, I think my parents are proud of me and I don't think they resent the money they spent. They went on to make a lot more money later in life and now the amount they spent on my college education probably seems like a pittance -- perhaps 40k total over 4 years. They now have millions in investments and savings, I doubt they even think about that money at this point.

As a parent now myself, I do view it as my responsibility to pay for my kid's college education. Because, again, where else will that money come from? We are on track to be able to pay for more than an in state public school, but also if our kid decided to go to a less expensive school, we'd be fine with that too.

My parents did not help me with a down payment on my house but we intend to help our kid with this when the time comes, simply because it's such a huge factor in financial stability and being able to have a family if you want one -- we delayed having a child until we could buy a home, which is a major reason we only have one kid. I would like my own child to have more options, so as long as she can cover the mortgage, we would happily may for all or most of the down payment when she decides to settle down.