Why not say "shy"?

[Anonymous]

Please never use any adjectives to describe any child..anything can be twisted to have a negative connotation. Hell, there was a thread a while back griping about someone had called a baby a "good baby."

[Anonymous]

I agree with not labeling kids as shy in front of them. I read and have experienced firsthand with a niece and nephew that when kids hear their parents bail them out with a "He's shy" they learn to use it as a crutch. they begin to feel like it's a valid reason to just not talk to adults. My nephew started telling adults that he was shy himself around 5 or so, like "oh yeah, I'm shy. didn't you know? where's your wii?" Ok, I made that last part up but that was the general feeling I got.

The thing I read about this said that if your child is being quiet when you meet someone new you can say to your child something like "Do you need some more time? Well we'll be over here when you're ready to talk" or something like that so you child doesn't get the idea that they never need to speak to someone they don't know.

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger issue is these parents creating an adversarial relationship with their kid's teacher the first week of school. That teacher didn't mean anything bad or mean by that comment, she was diffusing a situation in which a little kid probably felt uncomfortable about not wanting to be put on the spot.

Teach your kids about context and that everything isn't meant as an insult, that's a better lesson for them than freaking out about every little thing and turning them into victims. I'm sure this little kid is more upset about attending school with a teacher who his parents said called him names than he is about being called shy.

I'm also glad that everyone here who was just crippled by being called shy as a kid has been able to move beyond that to the point where they are now able to share personal stories with strangers, did you ever know that you're my heros?

[Anonymous]

Yep, just wanted to throw in my support for it being a bad label to give a kid that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy . OP, you sound just like I was with my son when he was two and three. I often felt embarrassed because he just would not feel comfortable responding to people...even a teacher who he loved and saw everyday but every morning he would walk in and she would greet him and he would hold his head down like he had never seen her before. It was so easy to start saying to everyone, "He's just shy!" but then I did read/see somewhere that is just not fair to the child to label him as such, so we stopped and thereafter I would cringe when grandparents or others would call him shy when he didn't want to talk. As much as it was really hard for me, we've just continued to give him time and sure enough, he's now four and while not perfect, he is definitely starting to open up and become less quiet. I think it subtlety affects kids - or anyone - when you constantly label them as something, especially when it's not necessarily seen as a positive trait in society. After a while, they start to believe it.

[Anonymous]

Oh good grief. I think I have now heard it all. And I speak as someone who was shy and awkward growing up.

I think the solution is just not to speak to children or acknowledge their existence. In fact, I would say don't speak to other people, because clearly from the board here at DCUM SOMEONE SOMEWHERE is going to be offended no matter what you say.

One time I was playing with my niece (she was under two) and commented how pretty she looked. My SIL told me that was wrong to say - it was putting emphasis on physical looks.

This society is nuts, frankly.

My DD is generally outgoing but is going through a phase where she doesn't want to say hi to strangers. I say "she is shy today" or "she is feeling shy today". It's not a big deal and it's ok.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should read the following from Dr. Sears:

There is no need to say apologetically, "He's shy," especially in front of your child. There is nothing wrong, and a lot right, with being shy. Many people don't understand shyness and equate being shy with having a problem. They believe a shy child must suffer from poor self-image. Most of the time this label couldn't be more unfair. Many shy children have a solid self-concept. They have an inner peace that shines; if the extroverts would be quiet long enough they would notice its glow.

Parents still worry when their child clams up in a crowd. Is he just shy or is there a serious problem? Here's how to tell. A shy child with healthy self- worth makes eye-to-eye contact, is polite, and seems happy with herself. She is just quiet. Her behavior is generally good; she is a nice child to be around, and people are comfortable in her presence.

Some "shy" children are deep-thinking and cautious. They are slow to warm up to strangers. They study that person to see if the relationship is worth the effort. Shy children often have such inner peace that their shyness is one way of protecting it. Our sixth child, Matthew, is one of the most peaceful, happy children to ever live on the face of this earth. Matt is cautious in his friendships, but once he makes a friend it's for life. He is a reserved person with a lot of valuable inner stuff for others to discover. He warms up slowly to new acquaintances, but once comfortable in your presence he's charming. Matthew is just a nice child to be around. (Peter, our third child, is like this, too.)

Shortly after Matthew started school, we had our first parent-teacher conference. The teacher said, "Matthew sure is shy, isn't he?" "Yes, Matt is reserved," we explained. Later in the dialogue the subject came up again, "Matt is very quiet." "Yes, he is very focused," we answered. As the discussion of Matthew continued, this teacher soon realized we saw Matthew's traits as positive. As the school year progressed, the teacher grew in respect for this quiet, peaceful, blond-haired boy in row two. Matthew was a nice student to be around.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Sorry for the cut-and-pasting here, but here's what Dr. Sears says about labeling children as shy:

Never label a child "shy." On hearing this a child feels something's wrong with her, and this will make her feel more shy. If you must use words to describe your child use "private" or "reserved." These are nicer and more accurate terms. Labels also affect the way others treat your child. Calling her "shy" can make them over solicitous, as though there is something they should do to "help" or fix it. If you are going to visit Aunt Nancy and you want your quiet child to make a good first impression, avoid the temptation to say, "Don't be so shy, Aunt Nancy won't bite." That's guaranteed to make him clam up. The already self-conscious child is likely to become even more shy. Tell the child ahead of time what's expected of him, a simple "hi" and quiet, polite behavior. Don't ask more than you can reasonably expect. Keep the attention off the child, and as he gets comfortable, trust that Aunt Nancy will come to appreciate him. Encourage your child to bring along one of her favorite activities (for example, art supplies or a board game) that Aunt Nancy can use as a bridge to communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the bigger issue is these parents creating an adversarial relationship with their kid's teacher the first week of school. That teacher didn't mean anything bad or mean by that comment, she was diffusing a situation in which a little kid probably felt uncomfortable about not wanting to be put on the spot.

Teach your kids about context and that everything isn't meant as an insult, that's a better lesson for them than freaking out about every little thing and turning them into victims. I'm sure this little kid is more upset about attending school with a teacher who his parents said called him names than he is about being called shy.

I'm also glad that everyone here who was just crippled by being called shy as a kid has been able to move beyond that to the point where they are now able to share personal stories with strangers, did you ever know that you're my heros?

Thank you for making that point! It took me until I was in my 30's to get though it, and sometimes I'm still uncomfortable. I also have a disability (I'm the person who hated "retarded" and "crippled" ) which did NOT help. People gawked at me like I was from another planet.. they still do. But my own advice? The more you cater to it, the worse it will be. My mom and dad sure as hell didn't make many concessions for me.. and I'm glad they didn't. They stuck up for me when it was truly necessary.. but I learned to handle small battles on my own. By middle school I was handling bigger battles. My parents still backed me up, but I could handle a lot on my own.

[Anonymous]

I have been very shy/quiet/reserved/introverted/socially awkward my whole life.

I can't ever remember being bothered by the labels because they are a true fact of my personality. Frankly, I'd rather someone know this about me than to assume I'm rude because I can't immediately and comfortably interact in a new situation. Of course, I don't use my shyness as an excuse for being rude either. My parents, while recognizing my shyness, taught me to express my respect for new people and situations by making eye contact as acknowledgment. I was never asked to speak but I was asked to listen.

My mother always told me that I had a rich life inside my head and I could choose who got to visit. Maybe that's why I never felt like being shy was a bad thing. Of course, I was 25 before I actually understood what she meant, but I've never been too quick either.

[Anonymous]

I think part of why people object isn't just that if you tell a child they are shy they might grow up with the modern parenting bogeyman: low self-esteem. My objection is more that I've seen too many kids who get labels attached to poor behavior, then never feel the need to develop out of that behavior--the child who is jumping on the furniture at a playdate, while the parent ignores the behavior because they are too busy explaining that their kid is "spirited." I've seen lots of kids who are mildly reserved, who make an elaborate act out of being "shy" because they see that mom and dad cater to and comfort them, rather than expecting them to make an effort to adhere to basic social customs.

[Anonymous]

My child is shy and I was told that it is better to say, "He just takes a little time to warm up to new people" (or something of that nature) rather than "he's shy". It gives him the message that he's capable of interacting when he feels ready rather than giving him an excuse to withdraw by labeling him "shy".

[Anonymous]

And one wonders about the teacher retention rate? Jesus Christ.