SIL invited herself on our family vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey SIL, It turns out that the house/room/cabin isn't as spacious as we thought and we are going to keep it as just the ___ of us.

Would you be OK with coming with us another time, instead, when it would be less stressful/crazy/cramped?

That’s ok, I don’t mind sleeping on the couch. It’s going to be so much fun!

This exact thing happened to me: DW's sister said "I can work remotely now and can sleep on the couch" (all week, of our expensive beach house). I said "that's too tight and we'll have a lot of time working without space for all of us." It was pretty nervy to ask.

[Anonymous]

From the perspective of the mooching relative (here, the SIL), can they not see that they aren’t wanted on this trip? I seriously don’t get the mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the perspective of the mooching relative (here, the SIL), can they not see that they aren’t wanted on this trip? I seriously don’t get the mentality.

You'd be surprised. We once had relatives asking to come stay in our beach house when I was on maternity leave. Even after DH politely told her no and that I'll be nursing around the house, she persisted: oh it's no problem at all. And BTW Larlo will be working full time in the living room but the rest of us will have so much fun!

We were just too stunned for words. DH held firm but it was unbelievably. These relatives remained icy toward us for years afterward.

[Anonymous]

You really need to be direct and say "no, that won't work. I want this vacation to just be our family of 4 (or however many are in your nuclear family). Maybe another time!"

If your DH won't say the above (he should be the one to do it, ideally!), then you need to say it. If it hurts her feelings, so be it. But she was very rude and inconsiderate to ask you if she could come, in my opinion. If you wanted her to come, you would have invited her yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with the same situation, except it's my MIL and she didn't ask - she just told us she had booked the same resort on the same dates we did. Would be nice to be in your situation, where you have the option of politely telling her you just want some time to connect with your kids and find another time to get together.

I would either

1. Tell her “Wow that’s too bad! We actually cancelled because a work commitment came up. I hope you enjoy your trip.”
2. Actually cancel and book somewhere else and tell her that you aren’t sure whether you are going. When she pesters about coordinating, be blunt and remind her we aren’t planning a vacation with extended family, just our nuclear family so why are you trying to latch on?
3. Tell her she wasn’t invited and you have full plans for the trip which you are not changing or tacking her on.

So you would either
1) Lie or actually cancel a trip you want to go on?
2) Lie/try to deceive her or actually change your plans for a trip you've been planning?
3) Be rude

great advice

OP, just tell her kindly but directly and firmly: That won't work for us. We want this vacation to just be our little family. Maybe we can schedule a trip with you another time.

[Anonymous]

Agree, I also don't get the mentality. It can get worse. I've had (former) two friends show up during grad school exams expecting me to show them around. I had told them no. It didn't go well. I've had DH's relatives insist to visit when DH had a busy time at work and had to be in the office. We had told them no. It didn't go well. To top it off, these people were angry at us that we couldn't entertain them during their visits that we didn't ask for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealing with the same situation, except it's my MIL and she didn't ask - she just told us she had booked the same resort on the same dates we did. Would be nice to be in your situation, where you have the option of politely telling her you just want some time to connect with your kids and find another time to get together.

I would either

1. Tell her “Wow that’s too bad! We actually cancelled because a work commitment came up. I hope you enjoy your trip.”
2. Actually cancel and book somewhere else and tell her that you aren’t sure whether you are going. When she pesters about coordinating, be blunt and remind her we aren’t planning a vacation with extended family, just our nuclear family so why are you trying to latch on?
3. Tell her she wasn’t invited and you have full plans for the trip which you are not changing or tacking her on.

So you would either
1) Lie or actually cancel a trip you want to go on?
2) Lie/try to deceive her or actually change your plans for a trip you've been planning?
3) Be rude

great advice

OP, just tell her kindly but directly and firmly: That won't work for us. We want this vacation to just be our little family. Maybe we can schedule a trip with you another time.

If someone is rude first by announcing they are joining then the gloves go off. These nasty people get their way because they don’t give a hoot about being rude but figure the other person will want to avoid appearing rude. It’s jerk rule #1 , take advantage of peoples desire to appear nice.

[Anonymous]

“It’s fun to travel with you guys, but this time around we’re just going to do the four of us (or however many there are in your nuclear family). It’s been stressful at work and we want to keep it simple and decompress. I’m sure you get it!” Then immediately pivot to another casual topic.

[Anonymous]

I'd say "we're actually planning this vacation as an opportunity for our family to hang out just-us." If she's going to take an answer like that badly, then she really is rude and I wouldn't be too fussed about offending her.

That said, I don't think it is some great crime to ask (as long as she is truly asking/okay with hearing no). This is not at all tantamount to the MIL who went ahead and booked herself (crazy!). As some have said, some would be fine with this and some wouldn't be. I'd be no more offended by the question than I would be by her asking if she could come over to the house on Friday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn’t invite herself, she asked!! How do your husband and kids feel about it? If no one else wants her to join, then say say no, this time you’re keeping it to just your immediate family. I don’t think you need to give any reasons.

My family loves traveling with other people - the more the merrier! More people to entertain our kids and big groups can split up to do different things. We’re always inviting family and friends to join us. Maybe she feels the same way and has no idea it’s an imposition on you?

Um asking IS inviting herself!

Not necessarily. It's asking for an invitation. If the invitation is not extended after the request, then there is no invitation. It may or may not be rude to ask for an invitation in this situation. It probably is, but if MY sister said, "Hey, can I come with you to the beach?" I would not consider that rude OR inviting herself along necessarily.

Pray tell how would one go about inviting themselves to something?