Dealing with sibling invite scenario

[Anonymous]

I’ve dealt with something similar and whether we accept the invite depends on whatever is going on in our HH. If older DC has another party to go to, then we’ll accept. If not, then we usually decline. We have a busy schedule so it’s easy for my DCs to forget about invites and it’s nbd.

[Anonymous]

Exact scenario happened a few years ago at our house where older DD thought she and the older sister were just as good of friends as younger DD and the younger sister of the other family. So naturally I would invite both sisters from the other family to do things with us. Until one day the mom kindly but very bluntly stated to me that it really wasn’t necessary to keep inviting the older one just because our younger girls are friends. It was a shock when she said this—-but the message was intentional.
At this point, all four were still in elementary school, and this was my first and only clue that the older sibling wanted nothing to do with my older DD, but clearly her daughter had made it clear to her mom that she was not friends with my older daughter. Ouch.
It was difficult, but I gently steered older DD away from continuing to invite the older sister along and started encouraging her to reach out to other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exact scenario happened a few years ago at our house where older DD thought she and the older sister were just as good of friends as younger DD and the younger sister of the other family. So naturally I would invite both sisters from the other family to do things with us. Until one day the mom kindly but very bluntly stated to me that it really wasn’t necessary to keep inviting the older one just because our younger girls are friends. It was a shock when she said this—-but the message was intentional.
At this point, all four were still in elementary school, and this was my first and only clue that the older sibling wanted nothing to do with my older DD, but clearly her daughter had made it clear to her mom that she was not friends with my older daughter. Ouch.
It was difficult, but I gently steered older DD away from continuing to invite the older sister along and started encouraging her to reach out to other friends.

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

[Anonymous]

I must be missing something, as we have 2 kids and rarely are they invited to the same anything. Older one has a group of friends, younger one has a group of friends, and each group does their own thing. Why does your oldest need to be invited to things for your youngest? That's odd to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact scenario happened a few years ago at our house where older DD thought she and the older sister were just as good of friends as younger DD and the younger sister of the other family. So naturally I would invite both sisters from the other family to do things with us. Until one day the mom kindly but very bluntly stated to me that it really wasn’t necessary to keep inviting the older one just because our younger girls are friends. It was a shock when she said this—-but the message was intentional.
At this point, all four were still in elementary school, and this was my first and only clue that the older sibling wanted nothing to do with my older DD, but clearly her daughter had made it clear to her mom that she was not friends with my older daughter. Ouch.
It was difficult, but I gently steered older DD away from continuing to invite the older sister along and started encouraging her to reach out to other friends.

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

I have a kid in 7th grade. When kids are younger, they are happy to play with anyone. Once they are around 10, they get pickier. My current 13yo used to be the friendliest boy who played with everyone. Everyone wanted to be his friend. By fifth grade, he was very specific on who he wanted to hang out with. Now he is in 7th grade and he doesn’t even hang out with some friends he used to be friends with all through elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must be missing something, as we have 2 kids and rarely are they invited to the same anything. Older one has a group of friends, younger one has a group of friends, and each group does their own thing. Why does your oldest need to be invited to things for your youngest? That's odd to me

I wrote same thing previously. My boys are two years apart and I would never think to invite a sibling of their friend.

My younger son is friends with a neighbor who is 1 year older so the neighbor is between the two boys. My older son rarely hangs out with them, even at our own house. When boys were younger, little brother would play with older brother’s friends if they were at our house. I never sent younger sibling and certainly never sent an older sibling to a play date or party.

[Anonymous]

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

I think the way that mom handled it was brilliant-the nicest possible way to say my old kid doesn’t like your kid.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys and we have never invited the siblings of a playdate (or when older, movies/sports/activity hangout) even if they are the same age as my other kid. It would never occur to me to do that if both sets of kids are not friends independently of the sibling relationship.

In the OP's scenario, if there's a large group going to a game or some other outing, I can absolutely see the rationale for inviting a kid's parent rather than another kid - it's another set of responsible hands rather than another minor to manage. It's generosity/hospitality to invite the dad, but also shares the burden of supervision. Smart move and not the least bit rude, especially if the adults are friendly.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is rude. They are inviting dads and their sons (who are actually friends with their kids) to an event. They don’t have to invite your older kid (who isn’t close friends with their older kid). This seems like no big deal to me. I get that your oldest might be bummed, but this is life. Not everyone gets invited to every thing. Friendships ebb and flow over the years. Kids figure this out. Parents need to not get caught up in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh that’s particularly painful when your child thinks they are friends and doesn’t realize the feeling isn’t mutual. How awkward of the mom for pointing that out to you though? Strange that she wasn’t just gracious about it. Do you think she assumed that you were just being nice or did she not realize your older daughter did think she was friends with her daughter?

I think the way that mom handled it was brilliant-the nicest possible way to say my old kid doesn’t like your kid.

I don’t see anything wrong with the wording. She could have said only Sally will be coming and older sister just not come.

Maybe it is because I have 3 kids but over the years, parents will say no need to invite sibling or I will decline bringing a sibling.

[Anonymous]

I think they’re being jerks but I’m curious what their side of the story would be. If the kids just aren’t good friends they should include your older son. However, is there a chance your kid had been mean to theirs, or said things that are inappropriate? Anything where they may have made a decision to not include yours because of behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they’re being jerks but I’m curious what their side of the story would be. If the kids just aren’t good friends they should include your older son. However, is there a chance your kid had been mean to theirs, or said things that are inappropriate? Anything where they may have made a decision to not include yours because of behavior?

OP said they are in the same peer group. She did not say they are friends.

The age really matters here if older kid is 8 or 10 or 13.

[Anonymous]

When my kid makes plans and invites people, they don’t always invite people in their own friend group. It would be really weird for him to invite his brother’s friend’s brother because they are the same age.

I recently learned my new good friend has a brother the same age as my other son. I met the mom and she seemed eager for boys to also meet. My son said that boy is weird. I asked my son if he thought they would get along and he said no.

[Anonymous]

Op - the oldest one (10) is friends enough with the older kid to have had sleepovers with him and also with the other boys invited (and pretty regular playdates). Ie they are close enough that to not have been invited even absent the sibling thing would have been kind of a bummer. It’s totally fair that if the kid is not digging my kid he doesn’t have to invite him. But I think for older dc; watching your brother and father go to an occasion with a friend group you are just on the peripheral of is going to make existing feelings worse. I think it actually would have been better if they had invited neither kid and saved an invite for the younger dc to any occasion where it wasn’t all the kids together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - the oldest one (10) is friends enough with the older kid to have had sleepovers with him and also with the other boys invited (and pretty regular playdates). Ie they are close enough that to not have been invited even absent the sibling thing would have been kind of a bummer. It’s totally fair that if the kid is not digging my kid he doesn’t have to invite him. But I think for older dc; watching your brother and father go to an occasion with a friend group you are just on the peripheral of is going to make existing feelings worse. I think it actually would have been better if they had invited neither kid and saved an invite for the younger dc to any occasion where it wasn’t all the kids together

Thanks for the update. 10 is a tough age. This is when not everyone is invited to birthday parties. A lot of shifts in friendship. I’m sorry, OP.

I don’t think you should be mad or upset with the parents or even the kid. It sounds like their younger son likes and is friends with your son but the older ones are not friends or not close friends.

I have heard so many stories and have had my own kids not want to invite a kid or their kid is the one not invited. My kids have never complained to me but I think they get invited to their actual friends’ outings. I personally used to be the one to urge kids to be very inclusive.

I posted here about my son’s 11th birthday and son wanting to invite all the boys in the class and not invite 2. He was not friends with them. I knew one mom fairly well and he older sibling was in the same grade as my other kid. I clearly remember my son saying he never talked to the kid. I still made my son invite him but they didn’t come anyways. I now don’t comment on anything about friends. He is old enough to make his own friends. When he has friends over, I will bring up a kid he used to like or I like mom but if he doesn’t want hang out with him, I don’t force it. Very different from when he was in lower grades.