Those of you who stay together for the kids, how do you cope with the resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm team xDH too. OP should think about how to self-manage her own boundaries.

OP here. For those of you who complain of me micromanaging the situation for calling to suggest a meeting spot (that the friend's parents asked for): i literally just wanted to help, because my husband needed it. For context, he is so bad with maps, that for six months after my daughter started middle school, on the days when he would pick her up, he called me every time to guide him there while he was driving. We live in an area with bad reception, and his GPS typically doesn't work there.

From what you described, he didn't need your help this time.And he didn't ask for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds abusive.
Staying together for the kids only works of there's low conflict. DH is medicated, separate bedrooms, separate social lives, and i make plans to be put off the house with the kids when he is there. That's how i do it.

I don't know if I'd say the OP's behavior raises to abuse, but she is certainly acting inappropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

[Anonymous]

Unless your English or your husband’s is so limited that you can’t communicate at all (not the case here, based on your writing), it’s rude to have conversations in another language in front of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

This isn’t persuasive in the least. Instead of listening and reflecting, you keep doubling down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

The defensiveness over a teenager's bedtime is another red flag.

Can we call in a welfare check for the husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

Your daughter is 13. She is not a robot. It is ok not to feel very rested sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That doesn’t seem that toxic or out of line - driving an extra 30 mins doesn’t seem crazy. What is crazy is picking a fight about it.

Maybe it’s you who’ve changed?

OP here. Knowing that the friend's parents wanted to meet at a mutually convenient spot, I called to literally suggest one ( knowing also that he wouldn'tbeabletocome up with it himself). It was my husband who cut me off in an unnecessarily rude and dismissive manner.

When the parents suggested a mutually convenient drop off they were just being polite..:and hoping you would have done the logical/friendly thing by saying, “No worries, we will happily bring Larla home after the party.”

Parents take turns carpooling. “Going out of your way” really isn’t part of the equation when it comes to carpooling. You drive kids home so the other parents don’t have to drive at all. Next time they should offer to do the same for you.

This is Parent Carpooling 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

My 13 year old routinely has to leave at 6am on saturdays for stupid travel baseball…and he usually stays up until midnight playing video games with his buddies the night before.

ICYMI: kid sports don’t really matter.

Your rigid adherence to bedtimes and drop offs as your best defense are emblematic of your rigid approach to parenting and controlling behavior.

You might want to reflect on that with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Did he try to explain that he already handled it by telling the other parents he would drop her off at home AND you were still insisting on the meeting place?

It sounds like you two were talking past each other.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would suggest therapy. You can’t control everything and everyone only yourself.

Who cares if your 13 year old goes to bed 30-60 minutes late?

The other option was to tell this other family, that no you couldn’t carpool because your daughter had an early start the next day. It is ok to say no! I have a family who consistently used me for carpool even if it was inconvenient for me so I started saying “I can only drop them off I can’t pick up as we have another engagement right after” (and we did).

Get divorced. Who cares about the money. You all will be so much happier.

You can’t change your husband. You can only control yourself your emotions, your actions, and only change yourself.

Don’t do this to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would suggest therapy. You can’t control everything and everyone only yourself.

Who cares if your 13 year old goes to bed 30-60 minutes late?

The other option was to tell this other family, that no you couldn’t carpool because your daughter had an early start the next day. It is ok to say no! I have a family who consistently used me for carpool even if it was inconvenient for me so I started saying “I can only drop them off I can’t pick up as we have another engagement right after” (and we did).

Get divorced. Who cares about the money. You all will be so much happier.

You can’t change your husband. You can only control yourself your emotions, your actions, and only change yourself.

Don’t do this to your daughter.

Controlling others is her whole identity, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would suggest therapy. You can’t control everything and everyone only yourself.

Who cares if your 13 year old goes to bed 30-60 minutes late?

The other option was to tell this other family, that no you couldn’t carpool because your daughter had an early start the next day. It is ok to say no! I have a family who consistently used me for carpool even if it was inconvenient for me so I started saying “I can only drop them off I can’t pick up as we have another engagement right after” (and we did).

Get divorced. Who cares about the money. You all will be so much happier.

You can’t change your husband. You can only control yourself your emotions, your actions, and only change yourself.

Don’t do this to your daughter.

I agree with some of this, but I disagree that op will be happier after divorce.

You control your happiness.

Op won’t be happy when he’s dating and she can’t control other women around her daughter.

She won’t be happy when he takes the new GF/wife on vacation with the kid. What if she misses a track meet? What if they want to snorkel or do something the op will worry about?

What about when the kid goes with dad for Christmas?

Go to therapy to work on yourself. And try couples therapy focused on communication and coparenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

He would figure it out.