siblings think that my mom, a good driver, should stop driving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When it is I turn 80, I've told my kids ... it's your decision. Take my keys, whatever. You will know better than I.

The elderly have to adjust - sorry.

Get back to us when you're 80.

Amen to this!

Because there is zero chance a person in their 90s has good reflexes, especially if OP is describing her as “slowing down.”

The last thing anyone wants is to have their independence taken from them. Driving means independence. Unless she is a danger to herself or others on the rode why would she be forced to stop driving?

[Anonymous]

Every time I’ve known a family to have this debate, it was actually about two years PAST time for the parent to give up their license. It sucks, OP, but I can almost guarantee your siblings are right here.

[Anonymous]

Your siblings are right. There’s no way a 90 year old is a good driver—I’d say that about 80 year olds too. I won’t get in the car with anyone over 70 unless I know them well. The fact you have more than one sibling disagreeing with you tells me you’re wrong. I’m so glad my mom willingly gave up her license in her late 70s.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you live nearby? Will you have the burden of driving mom around?

I doubt your mom is a good driver. She probably drives dangerously slow. Also, how is she with traffic circles? You need to take a ride with her not just locally but on the highway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I’ve known a family to have this debate, it was actually about two years PAST time for the parent to give up their license. It sucks, OP, but I can almost guarantee your siblings are right here.

x10000000

Whatever you do, exert a tiny amount of common sense to this situation, OP. How would you feel if you had a neighbor like this? If you knew their reflexes were slow, which is inevitable, after age 80 (as PP stated)? I know someone whose parent literally had only partial vision in one (!!) eye, and still thought it was "cute" that the DMV gave them their license, in spite of failing the vision test with flying colors.

No, it is not at all cute to give a one and a half ton killing machine to a mostly blind person who claims that they "know where to turn" to get to recreational (!!!) places. Geesus, people, get a clue.

[Anonymous]

lol at this troll!

[Anonymous]

Maybe suggest mom limits her driving to daylight, and ice-free roads? Just like when your teens first start driving
That might be a good compromise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is 90 and drives just fine, no problems, lucky for her her three adult kids aren't trying to run her life for her yet.

I have another friend who is 83, she had a minor accident at the Trader Joe's that was her fault, the state was having her retest to see if she should be driving, she thought the tests were too hard and gave up her license voluntarily.

It is a very individual thing despite age. I'm with you, it is not appropriate to infantalize an adult because of your opinion rather than based on facts.

IMO, once you hit 65+, you should have to have an IN person vision test (or from licensed Doctor) every 5 years AND an in person driving test every 5 years. Once you hit 80, I think that test should be every 2 years. Driving is a privilege, not a right.

Fact is many 85+ should not be driving and most kids have trouble taking away the keys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom just turned 90 and the state made her go through testing to renew her license. She passed with flying colors.

As already stated, it varies from person to person

I would recommend taking the mom to get the test. If she passes, great. If not, then for her safety and everyone elses please take the keys away (actually the state will take the license if not passing)

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your responses. I've driven with her recently and saw no problem. Yes, she's tested regularly by the DMV.
Siblings think she can just use Uber or Lyft, but she struggles with the apps; her phone isn't always charged; and she resents the $$.

But she's trying. I don't like when my siblings say, "It's so easy, Mom!" It's not easy, for her.
I will temper my temper and focus on the infantilizing of our mother on many fronts: whether she should continue to live on her own; whether she should be cooking, etc. I respect her choices. But on the driving, I'll watch carefully. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP -
Ask yourself honestly if you would her drive your own six year old somewhere. If the answer is no, then she can't be on the road. It's not just about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your responses. I've driven with her recently and saw no problem. Yes, she's tested regularly by the DMV.
Siblings think she can just use Uber or Lyft, but she struggles with the apps; her phone isn't always charged; and she resents the $$.

But she's trying. I don't like when my siblings say, "It's so easy, Mom!" It's not easy, for her.
I will temper my temper and focus on the infantilizing of our mother on many fronts: whether she should continue to live on her own; whether she should be cooking, etc. I respect her choices. But on the driving, I'll watch carefully. Thank you.

Tell us more about how "she's tested regularly by the DMV". Are these vision tests or driving tests?

[Anonymous]

There are testing services in the DMV area who will do assessments. It's not just eyesight. It's reaction time, it's your ability to turn to look behind you, and so on.

Also, AARP has some great free resources for kids in this position. I found them I was looking into it a few years ago (when my mom hit another car). For example, there are maybe a dozen reasons why the elderly want to keep driving (freedom, status, in case of emergencies, and so on). You need to figure out which reason your mom has, and find a way to address it without a car.

[Anonymous]

OP.... you are ridiculous. How would a bunch of strangers on the internet have any idea whether your geriatric mother is an ok driver?

Generally, very few people in their 90s have any business being behind the wheel of a car. The only way to answer this is for YOU to go as a passenger in the car with her. Don't guide her or assist her, just observe. Most likely you will be scared shitless, but regardless, you will have an answer.

[Anonymous]

I don’t comprehend the idea that the children of an older person somehow become all-powerful caretakers and life-monitors merely by the older person’s accrual of age. Raise a question? Sure. Suggest training, resources, etc.? Sure. But the blanket, and quite frankly nasty, judgmentalism in the prior posts is out of line. There are plenty of appallingly bad young and middle aged drivers on the road. There are 90 year olds who are blessedly still competent. I don’t see the point of OP even debating the issue. As long as the mother is legally competent her children have nothing to say.