siblings think that my mom, a good driver, should stop driving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several of the learn to drive programs for teenagers also do assessments of elderly people. For example, I think “I drive smart” does those.

Perhaps getting an independent assessment of her driving ability from one of those types of places would be a reasonable way to decide if you or your siblings are correct about your mom’s driving ability.

Wise answer, but you know this will never get done. OP will swear up and down her mother's fine, the mother will refuse to test, and the other siblings will just watch the trainwreck...

[Anonymous]

I would have no issue as long as her health is stable, she sees MD to manage any chronic conditions and she passes state requirements. I would verbalize that to her and siblings.

[Anonymous]

Having just gone through this with my 92 year old father in law, divided siblings and all, the issue resolved itself when he pulled out into on coming traffic and was t-boned. Car is totaled and insurance dropped him. This is not how you want to settle the issue! Even if she is fine today, health issues come on fast and there can be rapid unnoticed decline. If you could find a work around that doesn’t have her driving it’s better for everyone, including her!

[Anonymous]

Does her car have scrapes, dents, dings? Does she drive too fast or slow? Can she park correctly?

How are her reflexes? Can she hear sirens? Does she ever get lost? Can she read road signs? Handle roadwork or detours?

Have you asked her doctor for their opinion?

Things to consider and if you don't know the answers, take some time to find out before you dig your heels in on this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is in her nineties and is slowing down. She doesn't hear well, and goes to bed early. Fine. Lives independently--and drives herself to the store, to friends' houses, out for coffee.
My three siblings say she must stop driving because of her age. Suppose something happens? Take the keys! Sell the car! (do we even have a right to do that?) There's Lyft and Uber!
I'm furious at them. Let mom drive. Let her be independent for as long as she can. For what it's worth, it's the tone of the arguments that get to me--as if we kids are suddenly in charge of her life and I'm a fool for "letting her drive." If she were infirm, or in assisted living, that's another matter. I've never gotten along well with my three siblings, so that doesn't help.
Your views welcome.

When was the last time you rode in the car with her when she was driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom just turned 90 and the state made her go through testing to renew her license. She passed with flying colors.

As already stated, it varies from person to person

I love that.

[Anonymous]

You can settle this quickly by having her take a driving test at the DMV. Let the DMV decide if her reflexes, vision and hearing are good enough. This is not about her safety where she has some agency, this is about not allowing her to ruin the life of an innocent human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is 90 and drives just fine, no problems, lucky for her her three adult kids aren't trying to run her life for her yet.

I have another friend who is 83, she had a minor accident at the Trader Joe's that was her fault, the state was having her retest to see if she should be driving, she thought the tests were too hard and gave up her license voluntarily.

It is a very individual thing despite age. I'm with you, it is not appropriate to infantalize an adult because of your opinion rather than based on facts.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having just gone through this with my 92 year old father in law, divided siblings and all, the issue resolved itself when he pulled out into on coming traffic and was t-boned. Car is totaled and insurance dropped him. This is not how you want to settle the issue! Even if she is fine today, health issues come on fast and there can be rapid unnoticed decline. If you could find a work around that doesn’t have her driving it’s better for everyone, including her!

This. One of my favorite doctors was gone for a year because an 80something year old ran a red light and nearly destroyed this doctor's life. She is not the same person despite recovering, having over a year of PT and other therapies. This once vibrant, optimistic and talented doctor is so short tempered and exhausted I finally had to find someone else as much as it broke my heart. I did not feel I could communicate with her anymore.

The sibling of my daughter's friend was hit by an 80 something year old driver crossing the street near her high school several years ago. She still does not walk properly.

Sure accidents happen, but a 90 something year old person absolutely should have to ass a test to continue driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When it is I turn 80, I've told my kids ... it's your decision. Take my keys, whatever. You will know better than I.

The elderly have to adjust - sorry.

Get back to us when you're 80.

Amen to this!

The last thing anyone wants is to have their independence taken from them. Driving means independence. Unless she is a danger to herself or others on the rode why would she be forced to stop driving?

[Anonymous]

I spent nearly a decade as a professional caregiver and I once cared for an elderly couple in their 90s who were housebound and both experienced serious health and mobility issues.

They very much enjoyed the regular visits from a longtime friend, herself 97 years old, who drove over once a week with their favorite pastries from the bakery they once visited together. That woman was sharp as a tack, physically fit and a better driver than the majority of teens and twenty somethings who cause the majority of accidents on the road.

On the other hand my cousin’s MIL lost her license and insurability after having two minor accidents that nevertheless wrecked her vehicles in her early 80s. She’s always had ADD and it worsened with age so that she couldn’t concentrate well on the act of driving and the many things going on around her on the road.

I’ve known fit, in their prime adults who I wouldn’t ride in a vehicle with if they were driving at any age.

This is very much an individual thing. I believe in retesting as people get very elderly, but frankly I think every driver should retest every so many years because many are just incompetent behind the wheel. But this won’t happen until we devise an affordable way to test driving via technology - nobody wants to put the money into the person power necessary to test so many people on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

This happened 2 years ago and comes to mind. https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2022/03/12/parthenon-sidewalk-dc-crash-victims/ Not sure why the family of the driver continued to let him drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are right

+1

They should be reporting your mother. It can be done anonymously. No one (NO ONE) in their nineties should be driving. At all.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but after 80 you should have to pass a driving test yearly. Even if they aren’t getting into accidents, they often cause other accidents.

[Anonymous]

Agree with looking at how she parks. If she routinely parks well, that's a good sign she's still fine to drive. If she doesn't park cleanly, then it's time to confiscate the keys.

(by "parking well" I do not mean tire bordering the line. I mean car is centered on all 4 sides. And yes, there are lots of people younger than 90 who park horribly and should not be allowed to drive. Having good spatial awareness is perhaps THE most important skill on the road).