As long as my child has *a* parent showing up, it’s okay if it’s not me right?

[Anonymous]

At our school, not every parent shows up to every event and in our grade we’ve developed a really healthy culture around that. If a parent can’t make it, another child’s parent will step up to be with their kid and another kid. There are usually texts that go around in advance to make sure everyone has a special grownup. At an event last year, DH and I were both unavailable but my MIL was visiting from overseas. She ended up with DD and two extra girls and MIL always asks about the girls when we FaceTime.

The good part is that there is no guilt-tripping plus we have a mom who works on a different time zone so very available and super aggressive about showing up at events. No one else bothers to take photos or visitors because she is totally cool with standing up in the middle of a seated crowd to make sure she gets a video and photos of every kid at the concert, and then sends them to all of the families.

Our school drive me nuts but this part of it is great.

[Anonymous]

That's what we've always done. I never even thought to feel guilty about it. I always felt we had it better than those who only had the moms show up. Those are the kids I feel sorry for - they have a sexist lens with which to view the world - the norm is the mom handles kids and home - dad does dad things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone says "Oh, are you going to school carnival?" Or "I didn't see you at the choral performance, your daughter was adorable with her stage presence!" They are NOT guilting you so don't take it that way. I learned that lesson too late and beat myself up about some things until I realized people are just sharing and making small talk, I did it too without realizing.

+1000

I didn’t see you there, your kid was adorable is absolutely a guilt trip.

I don’t see it intended as a guilt trip if it’s the only thing said. Adding something like, “I can’t believe you weren’t there or you really missed out?” would be.

I have flexible work and go to all the performances and an occasional field trip. A couple of times, I’ve taken pictures of kids and texted them to the Mom when I knew she wasn’t there. I hope they haven’t taken it as a guilt trip, it wasn’t intended that way. These were obviously friends and not just random Moms.

[Anonymous]

Parents can't always go, Often no parent can go. This proliferation of weekday school events (I don't mean field trips), is ridiculous when it comes with the expectation that parents will be there. Makes me even more mad when it's something promoted, invented by the parents - who can always go - SAH parents.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a perfect set up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had a Brownie "moving up" ceremony that I missed because I was playing in a softball game. My husband went, my mother went, my son went but I still felt kind of guilty for not going because my daughter wanted me to go. I hated that Brownie stuff too . Normally I went to almost everything. She got over it though.

Maybe. Maybe not. She knows that a softball game was more important to you than as she was. Your child achieved something she was proud of and wanted to show off her achievement to the most important person in her life: her mother. Stop kidding yourself that she didn't miss you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Actually it’s ideal. Your child has 2 parents and you are both important.

Yes to this. We switched schools this year. The old school had a lot of involved fathers who came to all sorts of things. The new school skews younger so lots of "tradwives" and there are zero dads involved. My husband says he feels super awkward when he's the only father at school events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feeling guilty after I stepped up my job from one that was FT WFH to one requiring 2-3 days in office (but more pay and promotion opportunity).

I used to attend all the school events but am now only able to attend half and DH attends the other half. Occasionally we both go.

Just curious have you talked to your child about this? Instead of getting our opinion why not ask the person who it matters the most?

[Anonymous]

Here’s a different take:

I am a SAHM and I don’t go to every school event for my 8 year old.

This is really really common and nobody bats an eye. DH loves going and I can’t imagine having any guilt about them getting to spend time together. I’m home with our baby but I don’t see how it would be any different if you’re away working. The end result is one parent at each event. Realistically every parent of more than 1 kid has to divide and conquer. It’s silly to feel guilt about this.

[Anonymous]

Of course its fine. And when its two and more kids you cant go to everything for every kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are asking if choosing money over time with your children was the right choice? That’s something only you can answer.

NP. Considering I use the money to pay for food, shelter, and medical care...it's ok if dc's other parent steps in sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a different take:

I am a SAHM and I don’t go to every school event for my 8 year old.

This is really really common and nobody bats an eye. DH loves going and I can’t imagine having any guilt about them getting to spend time together. I’m home with our baby but I don’t see how it would be any different if you’re away working. The end result is one parent at each event. Realistically every parent of more than 1 kid has to divide and conquer. It’s silly to feel guilt about this.

That very honest of you. I’m a working mom with a flexible schedule and was able to make it pretty much every school event because I had child care for my younger kid. I always wondered how people with one big job and a SAH parent made it work since we usually couldn’t bring siblings. I assumed they had more help from local family than I did

[Anonymous]

When I played sports as a kid and teen, honestly I enjoyed it so much more when my parents were not there and I didn’t feel like I had to perform for them. I would actually perform better because I was relaxed. There is no right answer. Some kids want you there all the time. Some kids will turn out perfectly well adjusted if you are never there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a different take:

I am a SAHM and I don’t go to every school event for my 8 year old.

This is really really common and nobody bats an eye. DH loves going and I can’t imagine having any guilt about them getting to spend time together. I’m home with our baby but I don’t see how it would be any different if you’re away working. The end result is one parent at each event. Realistically every parent of more than 1 kid has to divide and conquer. It’s silly to feel guilt about this.

That very honest of you. I’m a working mom with a flexible schedule and was able to make it pretty much every school event because I had child care for my younger kid. I always wondered how people with one big job and a SAH parent made it work since we usually couldn’t bring siblings. I assumed they had more help from local family than I did

Not that PP… but thankfully we could usually bring the younger sibling to events at our school, so that’s what I did as a SAH. If we couldn’t bring younger kid, no parent from our family attended. We don’t/didn’t have local family nor any hired help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had a Brownie "moving up" ceremony that I missed because I was playing in a softball game. My husband went, my mother went, my son went but I still felt kind of guilty for not going because my daughter wanted me to go. I hated that Brownie stuff too . Normally I went to almost everything. She got over it though.

Maybe. Maybe not. She knows that a softball game was more important to you than as she was. Your child achieved something she was proud of and wanted to show off her achievement to the most important person in her life: her mother. Stop kidding yourself that she didn't miss you.

The daughter learned that she's a member of a family and not a princess doll. Good parenting.