ASD child had a meltdown

[Anonymous]

Im sorry you had a rough day! BTDT with my autistic teen (the public meltdowns haven’t happened in years, I hope that might bring some solace), and your DH needs to help.

I’d talk to your parenting coach specifically about a “safety plan” for when these things happen. Say you’re worried child will push you down the stairs if you’re on your own, and how should you plan for your safety? And your child’s.

Also if you can have a session with just the adults be straight about how your husband refuses to help you be safe by handling the meltdown, and ask what to do about that? Let your husband have a therapy session on his own to discuss his own fears or hesitation about handling a public meltdown- he really needs to find a way to be helpful and not just pass the buck on parenting.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I have a 6 y/o with ADHD and question mark still for ASD diagnosis. He is starting to get big enough that I can’t easily carry him outside of he’s melting down. When he’s regulated he does great. And a lot of the time he is. There’s no clear trigger though as to when something will set him off (confirmed by neuropsych that he really does just get set off suddenly so I can’t always avoid it).

Because I can’t physically carry him on my own while he’s flailing anymore, I sometimes have to bribe or just remain calm to get him to calm. The worst is getting looks from people. I just feel them watching me and maybe it’s insecurity but I feel like they’re judging me for having a kid that acts like this (yelling and kicking me) and from reading threads in this forum I know there are people who would be happy if we just disappeared from ever being in public spaces. I do my best to get him out of wherever we are as soon as I can, but sometimes I have to pay a check or come up with some sort of negotiation to get him to cooperate with me. You can’t tell from looking that he has SNs so I’m sure he just looks poorly behaved. I just hate it so much and it crushes my heart because he really can be a sweet kid.

[Anonymous]

I do not take my DC with ASD to movies, restaurants or any events where yelling or physical aggression could be disruptive. It was not always like this but for the last five years, it has been necessary. Movies are streamed at home, favorite restaurant food is delivered, and sometimes family milestones are missed. We do medicate our child to keep self-injury at a minimum. We feel the meltdowns are definitely caused by anxiety before, during and after the event. Just anticipation can set it off.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to send you hugs OP. I’m a special education teacher. Please realize that you are doing the best you can in each moment just like your child is. Give yourself some grace.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it! My DS, 17, has a rare syndrome with autistic traits, so I feel for you. We were at Hershey over Thanksgiving and he completely lost it on the Chocolate World ride. They had to stop the ride and my husband and I had to carry him out....the one good thing about having short stature!

In hindsight, I know what I did wrong. He did well in the morning (as you mentioned OP) but by 4 he'd reached his limit. Honestly, I was prolonging it for my other DS since I always feel we cut things short.

The rest of the trip was better then this first day of our trip because we cut it off in early afternoon.

It's so hard. We can't go out to dinner on vacation. We get a sitter for our SN son and go out with the other child.

Some people say why not just stay home but I want him to go and enjoy places and activities out there. We just need to do it on our own schedule.

PS - this is why we've never gone to Disney World. No way would he stand in a line (even one with fast pass, it's not fast enough) and no way would he want to stay more then a couple of hours for those prices! lol

Hang in there!! Now it's Sunday and he's tired after our holiday and said he wanted to watch his IPAD in his room for the evening (go for, I said!!) so I can enjoy a big glass of wine by myself.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry…I get it. We don’t socialize much, go to events/places infrequently etc…because it can be too much to handle. It’s not necessarily just meltdowns but the stares/looks when your kid says something really odd too. It feels really isolating.

We do have a small playgroup with other ASD kids at a gym but sometimes that can be fraught too. At least, other parents don’t judge with meltdowns there.

Part of what I’m working on is how I feel/respond to meltdowns and stares. I have one ASD mom whose attitude is if a meltdown happens so what that’s life and moves on. I wish I could do the same. Talking with a therapist/support with other ASD moms helps. Even though we are 5 years past diagnosis it can still be a challenge to accept this is my life. Maybe full peace of the ASD diagnosis/life will never happen, but I hope with time I get stronger. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I'm really sorry. It's super hard.

I would suggest focusing less on trying "fix it" and more on just trying to manage your own expectations (easier said than done - I haven't mastered this yet, but it's the advice I tell myself). It sounds like he can handle going out and doing fun things many times, and sometimes, it will go badly. If you can find a way to make peace with that and make sure everyone can be reasonably safe when things do go bad, then keep doing it. It's only 3x per year.

I would try to look for some commonalities - maybe an enclosed space or a long day where he is tired or bright lights or whatever. If you can narrow to a few possible triggers, maybe you can try to avoid those situations as much as possible or mitigate them when they do appear. Also, there are sensory-friendly shows and things where you could go and other parents would completely understand.

[Anonymous]

one more thought op (i haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if someone already said this), try not to worry more than is necessary about disrupting other people. I'm not saying you are worried about that. But just one extra piece not to worry about. Unless they are a*******, people will understand that stuff happens and you are trying. I'm sure they did. I just don't want the concern about being disruptive to stop you doing things. I'm sure it's not your only concern. But like - people can deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were also at a museum. We’d seen a special exhibit and we’re going to see the movie. He’d done so well all morning.

ugh that should have worked out since the movie is more decompression time. Maybe the museum and chatter wore him out and then the popcorn bag issue was the pop of his anxiety and fatigue.

we had to deal with a teen like this and trying to get them to regulate their emotions IN THE MOMENT is tough.
we taped them and showed it to them later - they often don't believe they said what they said nor did what they did.
we went over stimming and deep breaths, counting to 10, immediately.
We now have a word when we sense the stimming, which we say. We ask how our pet dog is doing.
we always go over No hitting and No Yelling. that's for emergencies.

same HFA / Aspergers / ASD I. during stressful periods the time between explosions gets shorter and shorter.

kid is also on Lexapro for anxiety / anti anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family therapy for bump on the log husband.

this too. wtf is his problem, does he typically avoid everything and anything?

[Anonymous]

I have an ASD teen. Love the budget idea. It’s similar to the “spoons” line of thinking and I think it’s very valid and probably the source of your difficult day.

To be honest how I deal with it is, sometimes we have TERRIBLE days. I try to minimize them and they are only a couple a year like you mentioned. They are awful and we all take a few days to recover. Like others have said being 3 steps ahead and anticipating potential land mines is the best bet. Not trying to do too much in one day. I am also on the spectrum so I feel like I some ways I have a cheat code to know what things will be much to much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would focus on getting the husband up to speed. I know it will take work and practice but it’s good for everyone - your child will know that more than just mom can keep him safe, you will get some breaks, and husband can increase his confidence working with son.

This. Dad has to be an equal player in this.

OP, there were periods when my husband (very involved and responsible) and I just had to agree that we could take DD out for certain activities. The first episode was curtailing going out to eat because DD arched her back, worked her way out of the high chair, wanted to run around the restaurant, etc. She didn't even make much noise but the noise, lights, sounds, smells were just too much. So we didn't try dinner out for a year or so. Then I learned I couldn't take DD to the theater, ballet or most movies because it was an assault on her senses and she usually wanted to leave pretty soon into the activity.

I guess I'm just trying to say that while you are working on her DH's attitude, that you curtail any similar outdoor events.

[Anonymous]

I have mantras for myself to deal with meltdowns.

My kid is allowed to exist.

My kid is allowed to take up space.

My kid is allowed to sometimes inconvenience people.

Society literally hinges on the existence of children.

And, most importantly, the meltdowns are hardest for ME, the mother, and I kind of don’t give a rats ass if other people find my child annoying or loud.

I do my absolute best to try and avoid causing inconvenience to others and I don’t go to things like black tie events with DC. We go to kid friendly events and activities.

Sometimes kids melt down, sometimes they are loud, etc.

It’s part of living in a society and people who don’t understand that can eff off.

In my view, staying at home all the time is not an option. We live our life. Meltdowns happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were also at a museum. We’d seen a special exhibit and we’re going to see the movie. He’d done so well all morning.

That is really tough. My heart goes out to you. I remember our tougher days and now that aspect is better and our struggles are different. It may be that doing BOTH exhibit and movie were too much. How long did he keep it together for? An hour? If so, make your goal to do 1 hour activities, then maybe 1 hour and fifteen minutes and build.Was the line busy and noisy? Was the place overstimulating where you go to see the movie? Are there signs he gives as he starts to slip? if so, look for those signs and decide to go for a break before something happens. My child has very expressive eyes so that is one way he gives away the fact he is getting overwhelmed. His voice starts to change a bit too.

The good news is your child got through the museum so he does have some regulation there. For us I found I didn't to figure out my kid's threshold and slowly push him past it. If I tried to have normal developmental expectations of how long he could last, it was a disaster.

[Anonymous]

I’ve become up attuned to when my DD is on the verge of a meltdown. She is normally extremely articulate so being unable to express clearly what is bothering her is a sign that a meltdown could occur. Signs of physical discomfort or agitation as well such as restlessness, pacing, odd hand movements are also clues.

Mine is 17 and outweighs me. All I can do is suggest we leave while she is still in a state where I can reason with her. It means that I am hyper vigilant.

Also, it forces me to do things like buy extras. We saw a movie recently and bought seats in front of us and behind us so they stayed empty. Long story. Worth every cent.