Placeholding for kid

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of young families in Chevy Chase and NW DC who are living in a home owned by their retired parents. In most of the arrangements I know about, the adult children are paying below-market rent. I think the tacit expectation is that the adult child will inherit the home. Retired parents have downsized to a condo elsewhere in the area or Florida (in which case they may spend holidays and weeks of the summer in their house).

It's definitely a thing around here. And its a good way to keep assets in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only child asked us not to sell his family home because he wants to live there with his *future* family. We had not anticipated staying in the DMV with an empty nest and are frankly surprised he wants to live here. We're in Chevy Chase MD if that matters. Had anyone done this and how did it turn out? Any regrets?

I know you said he doesn't want you to rent it out, but can you rent it out and move to a smaller place in the DMV? Did you plan to move?

I think with the rates and prices many people are worried, especially people not yet on the property ladder. But that doesn't mean you should give your house for free. Talk to a financial advisor and a lawyer about options. Maybe he could buy it when ready and pay you monthly instead of getting a loan (if you don't need the cash all upfront at once).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get over himself. Obviously you’ve raised a selfish and immature kid, likely because he’s an only. He shouldn’t be laying a guilt trip on you like that.

We raised our kids in a very nice cul de sac in a highly sought after DMV suburb, and after our youngest went off to college I wanted to downsize and move into the city. My spouse was game, but a couple of the kids laid a guilt trip on us about the “family home” etc and my spouse was falling for it. I reached out to the “kids” (who, like your son aren’t “kids”) in w group email where I didn’t include my spouse and basically said look, we’re entitled to a life too, and we don’t want to live where we raised you guys just so you have a museum to come home to. And you know how [spouse] is. Knock off the guilt trip and stop being selfish.”

They backed down immediately. A dozen or so years later, it’s like we never lived there. And everyone loves the new place.

He’ll get over it. Live your life.

OP has an only. Wealth transfer is different when there's just one.

Huh? I said he’s an only. I know that.

“Wealth transfer” doesn’t require giving an only the house he grew up in either now or ever. It means doing what you want with your money when you want it, not letting him tell you how to spend it - then leaving what’s left to him.

Being an only has nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

As a counterpoint, I was very attached to the house I grew up in, got married in, and that my mom died in, and wanted my dad to keep it. I hoped to move there eventually but had no ability to do so immediately. When the market was very good last year, he sold it. Yes, I'm bummed about it and can get nostalgic and maudlin thinking about it and jealous of another family living there but also.... I completely logically understand why he sold it and it hasn't hurt my relationship with him at all. He is a wonderful dad and grandpa and while I wanted to live in my childhood house, I am capable of understanding that you can't always get what you want. OP's son might be expressing a preference but will understand that it cannot or will not be granted.

[Anonymous]

It was his home too so I can understand why he wouldn’t want to lose it. Seems reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he your only child? Because if not, that could get really messy.

The first 3 words literally answer this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again... are we doing him a diservice by dropping a house in his lap, and does he come off as kind of entitled or is this a normal expectation for 30- somethings now?

I think it's a very entitled expectation, especially since he asked you not to rent it out??? The fact that he's an only makes it confusing. If there were siblings involved, it would be more obvious that this is a very selfish request. No siblings, but the selfishness is the same.

He is allowed to voice his opinion, but this is your life, and you should do whatever you want with the house. I would probably rent it out in order to hold onto it.

[Anonymous]

Of course you should give him the home if you can afford it. Why can’t he move there now if he’s in residency in the area and you go where you like? Remember he’s competing with other kids of his generation whose parents are gifting them homes or down payments. If you can afford to do the same why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was his home too so I can understand why he wouldn’t want to lose it. Seems reasonable.

Lol no it isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should give him the home if you can afford it. Why can’t he move there now if he’s in residency in the area and you go where you like? Remember he’s competing with other kids of his generation whose parents are gifting them homes or down payments. If you can afford to do the same why not?

1) Is it really "competing?" I mean, does he "lose" if he only gets down payment assistance from his parents rather than a whole-ass house?

2) How many parents are doing that? Like, as a percentage of the population?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you should give him the home if you can afford it. Why can’t he move there now if he’s in residency in the area and you go where you like? Remember he’s competing with other kids of his generation whose parents are gifting them homes or down payments. If you can afford to do the same why not?

1) Is it really "competing?" I mean, does he "lose" if he only gets down payment assistance from his parents rather than a whole-ass house?

2) How many parents are doing that? Like, as a percentage of the population?

All things being equal, would an attractive high quality woman want a man who rents or one who owns a 2M house? Everything is a competition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of young families in Chevy Chase and NW DC who are living in a home owned by their retired parents. In most of the arrangements I know about, the adult children are paying below-market rent. I think the tacit expectation is that the adult child will inherit the home. Retired parents have downsized to a condo elsewhere in the area or Florida (in which case they may spend holidays and weeks of the summer in their house).

It's definitely a thing around here. And its a good way to keep assets in the family.

This. OP, since you’ve said you don’t need to sell it, whenever you and your spouse want to vacate the house tell your child he is welcome to rent it from you at a below-market rent that is still enough to require him to have some skin in the game. If he takes you up on that, you could continue until you’re ready to transfer ownership. If he says oh no I want to keep living in my condo at the Wharf while you leave your house empty for me until I’m ready for it - well, that will provide you with valuable information to determine what you want to do next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We can afford to buy another house and keep the old family home. DS would like us to give it to him, not buy it. He does seem emotionally attached to the house, and asked us not to rent it out meantime.

asking you not to rent it out in the meantime seems like going too far. You should do some type of transaction where he pays you until he has enough to buy it ( i assume at a somewhat reduced price). THats what my brother did with his in laws and im jealous - hahah.

If he’s 30, when will he be financially ready to take it on? Sooner than later? I understand not *wanting* you to rent it out, but what kind of timeline are you looking at? This seems really entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 year old, currently lives and works in DC, and he has girlfriend in the area but who knows if they are serious

he probably feels priced out of home ownership and is hoping you will help him find a path to achieving that. if not, prepare for him to resent you and maybe cutoff access to him, future wife and future kids.

WTF? If you raised your kid to resent you and cutoff access to him, future wife and future kids because you don't give him the financial gifts he wants as an adult, then you've failed as a parent and all of this is for not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again... are we doing him a diservice by dropping a house in his lap, and does he come off as kind of entitled or is this a normal expectation for 30- somethings now?

He unequivocally comes off as entitled by asking you to give him a house. It is not a normal expectation. However, if you are not normal people and gifting a house to your only child wouldn't affect your retirement and it is what you want to do, then do it. I don't think under those circumstances there is any disservice being done.