If Your College-Ages Child Doesn’t Communicate

[Anonymous]

Set an expectation

Kids don’t talk on phones

Mine talked more starting junior year

Make sure you have something to talk about besides school.

So sick of how is school? How are grades? How are teachers? Gotta boyfriend/girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meet her where she is. Fortunately neither my dd or me like talking on the phone so we are not a “weekly zoom call” family at all. But I know she appreciates little bits of life at home in text form ( dog pic, something I cooked, some funny local news story etc) so i send those, she responds, it just kinds of keeps lines of communication open and then she fills me in on other stuff. I’m certain that “tell me how everything is going” would feel like a lot of pressure ( they would to me too TBH) so I don’t send those. I think keeping things light an enjoyable is the key, and text is a great way to do that.

I do exactly this - text photos, news stories, funny Instagram stuff, and sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't. It's a nice, low-pressure/low-key way to stay connected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so glad I do not have this problem with my college aged DD. She picked up golf at a very young age with me and as an adult, and she plays a round of golf with me once a week on either Saturday or Sunday. That's almost four hours of being together between mother and daughter on the golf course. The relationship has definitely evolved in the past year, for the better.

This is possibly the most helpful response on this thread.

[Anonymous]

I have boys, but we asked for 1 picture a week of them, something they were doing or really anything. And that was it. Sometime that was ALL we got. Other times we'd get into a text conversation. And every once in a while a phone call. Oldest is about to graduate. All is good and we have a new normal for communicating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so glad I do not have this problem with my college aged DD. She picked up golf at a very young age with me and as an adult, and she plays a round of golf with me once a week on either Saturday or Sunday. That's almost four hours of being together between mother and daughter on the golf course. The relationship has definitely evolved in the past year, for the better.

Seriously? I hope you raised your daughter to have better manners than you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you contact her? I would let her know you want a weekly text or call if you are paying for college. What was your relationship like prior to all this?

Do this if you never want her to call you again once she doesn’t need your financial support.

In the stone ages, my mom refused to email me. So she got a call when I felt like it. 25 years later, we talk almost daily. Take the long view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meet her where she is. Fortunately neither my dd or me like talking on the phone so we are not a “weekly zoom call” family at all. But I know she appreciates little bits of life at home in text form ( dog pic, something I cooked, some funny local news story etc) so i send those, she responds, it just kinds of keeps lines of communication open and then she fills me in on other stuff. I’m certain that “tell me how everything is going” would feel like a lot of pressure ( they would to me too TBH) so I don’t send those. I think keeping things light an enjoyable is the key, and text is a great way to do that.

I do exactly this - text photos, news stories, funny Instagram stuff, and sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't. It's a nice, low-pressure/low-key way to stay connected.

+1 Keep it easy going. My dd was busy when she was away at school and it was sporadic. Now that she is finished school and working, it's more regular. I'm sure it will be that way for you op. I'm fortunate she lives nearby and we walk our dogs together a couple times a week. I think the years of less communication can even make you appreciate the time together more My ds actually has always kept in touch more regularly with phone calls when he's away. You never know how things will go but it's nice not to have rigid rules about communication.

[Anonymous]

My MIL complained about this for my DH when he was in college. But she never called him either. Try calling her a few times a week. Sometimes she’ll pick up and sometimes she won’t, but at least you’ll have made the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL complained about this for my DH when he was in college. But she never called him either. Try calling her a few times a week. Sometimes she’ll pick up and sometimes she won’t, but at least you’ll have made the effort.

I agree that both parties could make an effort, but a few times a week is too much. These college kids are learning how to navigate the world on their own terms, this keeps home life close to the front of mind. They need space to build a self-identity.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a dog or cat? My kid misses our dog more than any of us so I suggest facetiming with her so she can see the dog. I usually text early in the week to find out what night is best. The calls usually involve me holding the phone up to the dog the whole time while I chat with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Just don't do a guilt trip or act annoyed. Try different things like texting funny things or going through the pet. Then you could just be sweet about how you miss her, but you know she has a busy life and I you don't want to be too needy. See if you can work out an agreement together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a dog or cat? My kid misses our dog more than any of us so I suggest facetiming with her so she can see the dog. I usually text early in the week to find out what night is best. The calls usually involve me holding the phone up to the dog the whole time while I chat with my daughter.

Same. I have to wipe dog slobber off my phone, but it’s worth it.