My Dad is Living With Us and I Lost It Tonight

[Anonymous]

I had mother and then mother in law living with us while also working and raising young children. There often were situations where I lost my temper at the elders; that’s just family life to tell you the truth. They also lost their tempers iwth me. I’d sit down and tell your Dad you are sorry if you upset him but you are frustrated by all of his efforts to control you. You understand he is trying to protect you, but you are no longer a child and need the freedom to live your own life. Then let it go; give him “the look” when it comes up and laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs anxiety meds.

Yes, it's anxiety/OCD I think. Let him know you are sorry your errands cause him anxiety, but that it is anxiety. Everything is going to be okay. And his anxiety is giving you anxiety. Will he please agree to try CBT or an SSRI to quiet those anxious thoughts? It might really make a big difference in your cohabitation.

[Anonymous]

"Dad are you hinting you would like to buy us new windows?" "Dad are you looking to hire us an evening dog walker?" "Dad are you indicating you want to bring in a housekeeper to help us out?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Dad are you hinting you would like to buy us new windows?" "Dad are you looking to hire us an evening dog walker?" "Dad are you indicating you want to bring in a housekeeper to help us out?"

LOL best approach ever

[Anonymous]

Ugh. If he wants to continue to live with you, he must get professional help (and likely medication) for his anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop to the ones that say he needs "anxiety meds". You have to understand that his generation didn't "go to therapy" and definitely didn't take anxiety medicine. Sorry, I agree with your dad. He isn't anxious, he's being himself. Tell him you're sorry you mentioned therapy.

Just have a normal conversation with him about how you feel and accept that it will take time to get used to him there, for you and him.

No, you don’t get it. Sorry. That’s not how it works with people in decline, and OP’s Dad wouldn’t be living with them if things were going great. The meds are to make the person feel better but mainly they’re to make managing them…manageable. So they aren’t fighting you in the evenings and getting out of bed alone at 4am. That sort of thing. OP’s not there yet but she’s on her way.

Yeah I mean, I'd drug him if he refused, straight up. Making this work might require extreme measures. Xanax in his dinner or something.

I would love to do this to a lot of people. I wish it wasn’t against the law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop to the ones that say he needs "anxiety meds". You have to understand that his generation didn't "go to therapy" and definitely didn't take anxiety medicine. Sorry, I agree with your dad. He isn't anxious, he's being himself. Tell him you're sorry you mentioned therapy.

Just have a normal conversation with him about how you feel and accept that it will take time to get used to him there, for you and him.

Too bad. “His generation” is going to have to get over its prejudices or else he will no longer be living in his daughter’s house. You don’t get to maje *your* anxiety everyone else’s problem.

My 75 year old father, who spent his life making stupid comments like “funny farm” and mocking “shrinks,” now takes anxiety medication and is in therapy. His doctor at the VA says it is very common in males in his age group. They have group therapy too and it’s well-attended (and no, they aren’t talking about their combat experience half a century ago).

OP sure as hell doesn’t need to say she’s “sorry she mentioned therapy.” How patently absurd.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people here don't understand just how irrational and elderly person with anxiety is. It's often a stepping zone on the path to dementia before they fail the screeners. There are all sorts of therapeutic lies a doctor can use to help ease them into meds., but you have to make it clear to the doctor how bad and debilitating it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

I think you are likely a troll. The anxiety is common and can move into psychotic territory. They can also lash out physically over time. it needs treatment. This is not like anxiety in a high functioning 20 something. It has a different flavor as the brain starts deteriorating and if I had a dollar for every person who claimed an elderly person was sharp as a tack during decline, I'd be wealthy. The best thing OP can do is stop analyzing and get it treated and under control stat. I made myself ill with the empathizing and using techniques as her anxiety moved into paranoia and psychotic territory. Meds are what make them tolerable. It's not about making someone a zombie. It's about making someone into a decent rational human who isn't trapped in insanity. Nothing you do or say will calm the anxiety when it is elder anxiety.They still think they know better than you do. The last thing you want to do is reinforce it. Meds.

[Anonymous]

Is he “sundowning” a bit? Is his anxiety worse in late afternoon and evening?

[Anonymous]

OP one of the things you’re going to learn is that the doctors are mostly useless.

Try saying it back to him. “You don’t want me to walk the dog because you think it’s dangerous. I appreciate your concern.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP one of the things you’re going to learn is that the doctors are mostly useless.

Try saying it back to him. “You don’t want me to walk the dog because you think it’s dangerous. I appreciate your concern.”

I would not say "I appreciate your concern" unless you do because it is reinforcing behavior you don't like. You can do all sorts of strategies like changing the subject, remaining calm and repeating back what he said and the list is endless and some might work for a while or not. The thing is until you get at the brain chemistry it will get worse and it certainly will if you do anything to reinforce which can range from thanking him to even erupting. Sometimes the emotion can reinforce. Sometimes giving them any attention at all reinforces it. It is like night and day for a while when the person is finally on the right meds. Suddenly you have the person you want to be around back, but unfortunately with ongoing changes in the brain sometimes new meds have to added or changed.

[Anonymous]

He is having some psychological issues. He probably feels insecure about living in your house. Go to counseling with him.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for elderly anxiety that can and often does get out of control. They are afraid of so many things that they have no control over. And their filters can go too, which when younger would have regulated what they said.

My guess is that your mom lived with a version of this their whole married life. And now it is exaggerated by the huge change in his life.

What about this: examples:
Dad: So you're walking the dog again late at night.
OP: Yep. And I love you, but please stop criticizing me.
Dad: I'm not criticizing!
OP: To me you are. I'm going to walk the dog. And for this to work, you really have to accept that I'm an adult and can and will make my own decisions.
Wash and repeat.

On cheap windows:
Dad: These windows are cheap.
OP: It's what we can afford/came with the house. And for this to work, you have to stop criticizing my house.
Wash and repeat.

[Anonymous]

^^^
I would add to the wash and repeat:
OP: Dad we love having you here, but please stop criticizing.