Extreme shyness or something else... how to diagnose and discuss?

[Anonymous]

I have a nephew who lives in a different city who is a nice 3 1/2 YO. When we get together a few times a year he talks, interacts etc. But I have a few concerns and do not know if these are really issues (his pediatrician says they are on the normal range of behavior) or if there is a way to bring this up w my SIL to encourage to get a 2nd opinion.

Here are some examples:
So I hear that my nephew does not talk in his pre-school class - and that he has never spoken there - last year he went 2 days a week for an hour, this year 3 days for 2 hours. He is not distuptive - just does not talk to the teachers or other students.

Another area on the speaking front, he went a few days this summer where he was not talking at all - my SIL said - "oh he is just tired, I don't talk when I am tired"

The last time he visited was in the spring and during that visit, he wanted to stay inside as it was "too bright" outside. (Yes, it was bright but most of the kids were running around outside)

Finally, he has extreme fear of public restrooms. He is not potty trained but if on a car trip and mom needs to stop this is a huge issue.

I am not a dr or in the medical fiedl - but these signs do concern me and was looking to the collective experience of this group. Should I should just accept that his Mom and pediatrician have it taken care of - or are these things that ring bells for other parents and I should look for ways to encourage her to get a 2nd opinion.

I just hear time and time again the importance of early intervention and want the best for this little boy.

[Anonymous]

Every child's different, so it's hard to say. Our DS was also extremely shy in preschool - he really went 2 years with saying very little and playing by himself most of the time. Only in his last year did he begin to open up somewhat. At daycare, where he went when he wasn't in preschool, he was a different child. He started kindergarten last month and he seems to be fine - but quiet. He does talk to the teachers and is quite social, according to the teachers, with other kids, but teachers pet/hand up in the air to participate kind of kid he likely will not be.

His preschool had all sorts of concerns and we had him tested, including with a developmental pediatrician. Bottom line diagnosis - shy.

Even now, there are plenty of people that he'll give one word responses to - but with friends or people he feels comfortable with, for whatever reason, he's quite voluble/curious.

Also, DS isn't always an outdoor kid - happier doing art projects than running around outside in general, although this too is beginning to change.

Hope this provides some reassurance, or at least a comparison.

[Anonymous]

I think the most important thing is that this is not your child, and you really can't substitute your judgment for this child's parent's judgment.

Having said that, there are definitely some red flags here. The not speaking in school sounds like something called selective mutism, which is a disorder driven by anxiety, which it sounds like is an issue for him. There is a difference between shyness and not talking at all. And this is all treatable. If he is as constrained as it sounds by anxiety, then he is really in an uncomfortable place and could use help. But remember, you aren't the parent. For all I've said, if my sister or SIL told me that I had to do X, Y or Z for my child, I would really resent it.

[Anonymous]

I don't necessarily see "red flags" for any particular developmental issues here although I understand why you're concerned. Perhaps he has some mild sensory issues which make the noise/echo of the restroom scary for him as well as the brightness of the sun... Then again, maybe he's just a "highly sensitive child" (google it for more info) and very shy. He's not in preschool for more than a few hours a week so if he's very shy I'm not surprised he's not talking much there... Perhaps if he spent more time there it would get easier for him with time. Also, google Selective Mutism... on the spectrum of anxiety disorders. If does sound like he's able to interact well in his comfort zone which is probably why the pediatrician feels he is in the normal range developmentally. Are you concerned that he might be on the autistic spectrum?

[Anonymous]

I also have to agree with 13:46 that you need to trust the judgement of your SIL and her pediatrican and tread very lightly here.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I was concerned that he might be on the autism spectrum or have some anxiety issues that might be better addressed with a pediatric specialist. I know it is "none of my business" as I am the SIL.

If collective wisdom of DCUMs was that there were flags, as opposed to this is in range of normal development, I might have looked for an opening for conversation in an upcoming visit.

Thanks for all of your insight!