Advice on bullying

[Anonymous]

I can always trust that those who respond to postings will not hold back...

so here goes:

My son is at his first year at a new school. He spent the previous 3 in the same school where he was well liked by kids and staff.

My Kindergarten son is subject to consistently physical and even verbal teasing from his classmates on the playground. I watched today as the kids played the only game I ever see the kids play, "run away from David (my son)." He was pushed, poked, squeezed, and spent a lot of time on the ground during this game. At one point he seemed really hurt but the others just stared.

My son idolizes these kids and counts them as friends. I don't expect this to be solved by teacher or playdates. David does famously in all social situations. I just want some advice on how to deal. I can tell my son how to deal - I am a former teacher but that doesn't make this any less painful to watch as my child begins to learn about life.

[Anonymous]

Tell the teacher!

[Anonymous]

Seriously. Where are the teachers on the playground? I can understand there is an age where kids kind of have to figure out these social situations by themselves, for better or worse. But not in Kindegarten! Email the teacher and ask her to watch one day from an inconspicuous spot, haul the taunters together and give them a lecture, and tell them that if they continue their parents will be called!

[Anonymous]

Tell the teacher. Talk to the principal. Meet with the guidance counselor. My son was bullied in first grade. The school dealt with it swiftly and effectively. But, I also had to be vigilant so that I could inform them about any incidents so they coould jump on it. I really feel for your little one and for you having to go through this.

[Anonymous]

I think I'm going to cry. Seriously, I'm PMSing and this post is making me tear up.

[Anonymous]

I am a counselor and have run many bullying conferences, worked with kids, etc, etc. Couple of things: Is this how your son is fitting in? That is an issue, b/c you do not say IF he is fighting back. You (and he) do not want a pattern of fitting in by being the butt of the joke, but it is common.
Try role playing for how he is going to handle this. What are things he can say or walk away or who else can he be with? He is terribly small, but role playing can give some much needed power back to the child. Sign him up, if he isn't, for SOMETHING that make him feel strong, doesn't need to be karate, something that builds CONFIDENCE!!! TALK TO THE SCHOOL. Not defensively, but YOU MUST DEFEND YOUR CHILD. You are the ONLY ONE who can speak for your son, you MUST do it. The school needs to know of a possible pattern and it is in their best interest to STOP it. Be specific, be positive, and be on it like white on rice.

This is ALL normal. Please do not discuss it to death with child or it will blow it up for him. Deal with this with school, with role playing, with confidence building hobbies!!! GOOD LUCK!

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am the original poster. Thank you all. Thanks most of all to the last poster who has experience counseling with this stuff. You identified my fear for me, I am afraid that he is fitting in this way. That he is allowing himself to be pushed and kicked just to be with the others.

We have been role playing in various forms. The teacher isn't actually on the playground with the kids so she doesn't see it all. at the parent conference she suggested play dates as a way to make friends. I tried it and the bullies just bullied them in my own house. I corrected it as I saw fit and told the parent what happened.

I do believe this is all normal. I don't want to talk my kid to death about it. But I do want to protect him. all the replies are preparing me to approach the school to develop a solution.

This parenting thing is so hard. I worry just as much about the lunches he doesn't eat. the way he writes his name. His constant need for my attention. And he's just one of three children. Thanks for listening. It gives me strength.

[Anonymous]

Will the teacher maybe make an exception and spend one or 2 days on the playground observing? This seems like the least she could do for you.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, this is the counselor again...you sound lovely and quite worried. Does your son have any friends that he gets along with very well? Are they in his class room? Can you promote playdates with them? NO MORE PLAYDATES WITH THE BULLIES. Your child should always feel safe at home.

There needs to be a teacher/admin present on that yard. Is there a counselor in your school? Approach her/him with the best way to make that happen.

You state you are worried, so the next piece of advice is the hardest: somehow, communicate to your son that you trust he is smart, tough, powerful and capable. Set up situations at home where he is in control and is making decisions and earning respect. Make it real. It is the only way to build real confidence. Get your DH involved if he is around. Later, maybe the boy scouts. DON'T talk about these kids, DO talk about how kids can sometimes be hurtful and ASK your son what he thinks he can do? Who are three people he can talk to in school? Rehearse saying no. Practice walking away.

The hardest part may be that you have a son with a sweet temperment who may want to fit in by following more than leading. You have to watch out for him, but it will be okay as long as you keep the lines of communication OPEN with him and steer him toward activities that put him with similar peers.

Is he second born? Third born? Get the family talking about respect and what that words means, esp. self-respect. Hang up definitions and what it looks like in your family. The son may be used to fitting in with sibs this way (in a teasing way)...just a thought.

And remember (one more thing)...ALL of us have been bullied and MOST of us made it through just fine. It stings TERRIBLY to watch someone hurt your child, but it is a normal part of development. Communicate LOTS of empathy, confidence and LOVE. You will make it!