Worry-wart mom

[Anonymous]

My nephew was in the hospital for a few days with an infection. It was pretty scary and stressful and his parents managed to remain amazingly calm and composed. My mom made a comment that got me thinking... She remarked that if it were me I would be in a complete panic and she's right. I have always tended to be an anxious person and prior to having kids (now 2 and 4) I somehow thought it would root me, stabilize me, completely change this aspect of my personality... that all my neuroses would diminish.
(Hey, look at Angelina Jolie. ) Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. When my kids are sick or stressed I get really anxious and don't always handle myself with grace and calm. Having kids has brought up my issues in ways nothing else has... my need to please, need for everything to be perfect, etc. Can anyone else relate to this?

[Anonymous]

Sounds rough!

As someone whose mom would get anxious when I was sick, may I suggest you think about the impact it might have on the kids? As a young adult, I remember coming home for the weekend and feeling tired and having my mom get all anxious about it and worry that it might be something terrible. I could never just feel tired. It always had to reflect on her in some way. I realize now that I got the message that whatever my feelings were (emotionally or physically) that they would affect her and so I couldn't be myself around her. It was exhausting. And I didn't often get what I really needed from her -- which was permission to be my imperfect self and know that it was okay.

I hope I've learned something from watching my mom. Nowadays, when I feel really anxious I try to sit back and feel the anxiety and risk the urge to go do something in order to beat it down. I try to review what things I could realistically do about a situation and then once I have done them I try to accept that the rest is out of my control. It feels overwhelming to do that at first but I find that I feel much better later -- and it keeps me from acting like a crazy person around my family.

But I know it's hard, OP, especially when it comes to your kids! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP - I have a friend very much like this and it does affect her DC. They are very high strung. As much as you can sheild your kids from your anxiety. Also remember sometimes we learn best when there are bumps in the road - as long as your kids are healthy and (on average) happy - try hard not to sweat the small stuff. My motto is if it won't matter a week from now - it shouldn't matter too much now.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you feel like are spinning with it, ie it is getting in the way of your life and decisions...see someone, like a therapist. You do not have to live with major anxiety, although some with kids is inevitable!

[Anonymous]

OP, i think i know what you are getting at. i am not an anxious person by nature, but i don't think i would handle a sick kid too well. thankfully, my DS has never really been ill. but when he was born with jaundice and had to do some time away from me under those lights, i was NOT ok with that. i kept it in check, but i was aching for him to be out of there and with me. i hope i can be strong for him if the need ever arose, but you just don't know. be glad your kids are healthy and hope you never, ever get tested!

[Anonymous]

I'm another daughter of an anxious mother. Her problems became my problems in some ways. You might want to try some behavioral therapy to learn more effective ways to manage your worries and anxiety. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

WOW, I thought I was the ONLY child in the world of an anxious mom. Please, OP, get some help and get a handle on yourself.

My mom still drives me nuts with her anxiety. Luckily I survived my childhood mentally intact, but I cannot say the same for my younger brother and sister, who battle constant anxiety that at times has been crippling. My mom clearly rubbed off on them.

My mom still leaves me scary messages that sends my heart sinking. She will call my house with a very grave voice, telling me that she thinks something terrible has happened and to call her back. I listen to the voice mail, thinking someone must be dead. I call her back and she says she cannot track down my sister and then implies that she must be in a car wreck or hacked into pieces somewhere. My mom has a vivid imagination. It just turns out that my sister has not called her in a few days. It really is a rollercoaster with her!

Secondly, I am a mom with a child that has a "syndrome" meaning a genetic problem that will effect my son the rest of his life. This is not he end of the world. I will not treat my son any different and will raise him to be everything he ever wants to be. I have cried many tears for him alone in my room with the door closed. He will NEVER see my cry and will never see me worry for him. I cannot cure him of his illness, but I can give him confidence and make sure he feels completely normal and I will be strong for my son, this is my job as his mom.

Please get help for your anxiety, it is NOT something that you have to live with, but you will have to work hard to change your negative thought patterns.

[Anonymous]

My mother should have been on drugs for her anxiety-she drove me nuts growing up. I make a conscience effort daily to relax and not to "spin" as mother would. I know it's difficult, but children pick up on feelings and behavior, like fear, and can become high strung. I think it drives my mother nuts that I'm not high strung as she is, but my brother makes up for it. Think of it like this, by over reacting, you might create fears in your child that they may never be able to resolve. When I take my 21 month old swimming, I can see the fear on the other mothers when my son jumps off the side in the deep end and goes under water. I'm right there and I'm not going to let him drown. But if he senses my fear, he might not have the confidence to be brave and have FUN. But understand, I grew up with an over reacting mother, and it wasn't easy.

[Anonymous]

I have a 5 year old, and I had been staying up with him most of the night whenever he had been sick. When he was really little and sick, I would prop myself up in bed and hold him ALL NIGHT. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. This summer he got a really high fever -- over 105 -- and when I called the doctor after hours, she said, "Give him tylenol and go to sleep yourself. Don't worry, he'll wake you up if he needs you or changes for the worse." It never occured to me to do that, and no one in the last five years ever said that to me, either. Maybe no one realized I was staying awake on his behalf. Of course, with a fever over 105, I checked on him every ten minutes, but now I feel better about 'regular' illnesses and the next time he has one, i'm going to just feel for him, then go to sleep.

FWIW, my parents had an 'if you're not dying, then you're fine' attitude, and I think that's why I am so concerned about medical issues. I'm sure there is something being overlooked....

[Anonymous]

OP,
You are so right. Having kids brought up issues, unresolved issues from your childhood. This is bad news and good news. Bad news, your child will be affected by your emotions, even more than you may realize. Good news, it might be a perfect opportunity for you to finally face these emotions and get them resolved. So that both you and your child benefit tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I think it depends on how your worries are manifesting themselves. Does it make you a careful and attentive parent, or does it make you overly controlling, and scare your kids?

A little anxiety is healthy. We're bred to worry enough to be careful with our kids and their health. What specifically are you doing with your anxiety that you think might NOT be helpful?