Mixed gender slumber parties

[Anonymous]

Please read these emails and tell me what you think.

Dear Ex Wife:

I'm glad that we've settled the kids into a good schedule for visiting you.

I do have one request. I'm not comfortable with our girls having a sleep over with unrelated boys. If your stepson is going to have a boy sleep over, I'd appreciate it if we could postpone or if you prefer, cancel the visit.

Can you please let me know if you can agree with that? Thank you,
- Ex Husband

Ex wife responds:

I appreciate your concern. Timmy is the son of very good friends of ours in neighborhood. He's a great kid and there's nothing to be worried about. New spouse and I talked about the sleepover and this exact thing. We agreed to it because we know Timmy and his parents and knew this wouldn't be an issue. We kept him as a favor to his parents. If you'd like to meet them, I'm sure it can be arranged.

They all played well together for some of the evening, but mostly played separated. And of course slept is separate rooms. This is the only time we've had both boys and girls sleep over and I don't anticipate doing this often at all. In the future I'll be sure to tell you beforehand what's going on, but I must respectfully disagree with you.

When our kids are with me, they are on my watch and my responsibility. Just like when you have them, my first concern is their safety. And, just like you, I will do everything in my power to make sure they stay safe. At no time did anything inappropriate occur.

I very much enjoy having them and I think they look forward to coming over as well. And I hope I've laid to rest any issues you have on this matter.

[Anonymous]

OP again, ages/gender of kids:

My daughter #1: 5
My daughter #2: 9
Stepson: about 11 or 12
Neighborhood male friend: about 11 or 12

[Anonymous]

How old are they?
If it's two kids, not really a "party".

[Anonymous]

I think your response was reasonable. Your ex had a chance to register his complaint, but you responded that you had the situation under control and that it is an issue between you and your current husband. You make the rules when the kids are at your house and unless your ex has a specific reason to think the situation is unsafe, he needs to leave the painting up to you.

[Anonymous]

I think you both sound very rational and polite. If I were the wife in this scenario, I would not have a boy over, and I wouldn't do it if my ex said he was uncomfortable with it. But that's just me.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is reasonable that the son can't have friends over while the girls are with her.

Were all the kids sleeping together in one room? Sharing mattresses on the floor? What was the set up for this co-ed slumber party.

If the girls were in their room and the boys in their room then I think it was completely appropriate. If your daughters were sharing a bed or floor space with neighborhood boys, I can see why one might be concerned.

[Anonymous]

By its title, the post sounds like it's written by exDH.

[Anonymous]

They played separate, and slept separate, you know the family and parents of the boy. You talked it over with your husband. The only thing that may have been a bit more courteous is if you gave a heads up to the ex-husband, but I don't really know if that was necessary or if he would have appreciated that.


I think you responded politely and laid good groundwork moving forward. Good note.

[Anonymous]

The title of this thread is completely misleading. There is no "slumber party" going on.

Totally fine. My daughter had an actual slumber party for her 6th birthday with 4 friends sleeping in the basement. Our 11 year old son had one of his friends sleepover. They slept in his room on the 2nd floor. The idea that there might be anything remotely wrong or improper doesn't even come close to entering my mind.

[Anonymous]

This was not a slumber party at ALL. This was ONE sibling having ONE friend sleep over. Good 12 yr old boys have zero interest in little girls and find them annoying. The exDH is being paranoid.

[Anonymous]

I think both parties sound reasonable. And I think they both actually make good points.

If it were me, I would probably accommodate the ex's concern even if I didn't agree with it just b/c that seems like what would ideally keep things going smoothly.

[Anonymous]

There were other children there, all female, but not mine or hers, so I didn't think it was relevant. -op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think both parties sound reasonable. And I think they both actually make good points.

If it were me, I would probably accommodate the ex's concern even if I didn't agree with it just b/c that seems like what would ideally keep things going smoothly.

Are you the same poster as18:40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There were other children there, all female, but not mine or hers, so I didn't think it was relevant. -op

Well, I think some families are over cautious about when and if and how their daughters can be exposed to boys. For example, I remember a thread a while ago where one family sent the dad and brother out of the house when girls were sleeping over, claiming that it was to protect the boy/dad from the potential of false allegations as well as comfort of the girls' families.

It's a valid concern- and both parents need to be on board regarding the appropriate way to deal with it. Do you sit down with both daughters and talk about "safe" touch, etc.? Do you have your daughters sleep in the same room when the boys have sleepovers? Whatever it is, this problem is not going away, and you need to come up with a way both parents are comfortable dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you both sound very rational and polite. If I were the wife in this scenario, I would not have a boy over, and I wouldn't do it if my ex said he was uncomfortable with it. But that's just me.

Same.