How to create more flexible toddler?

[Anonymous]

I know toddlers are known for their inflexibility, but I think my 3 year old son is really bad.

I've noticed it for a while, and feel like its something I need to work on with him.

We do (or try to do) all the basic things. We stick to a schedule. He has a consistent nap time and bed time. I understand the value of consistency with this age group.

But my son is very very particular, I think much more so than his peers.

He won't wash his hands unless the temperature is exactly right. He is a picky eater. He melts down if when he pulls up his pants they bunch or are not perfectly straight. He does very poorly in new situations.

I know some of these sound like basic average toddler issues, but trust me when I say he's far worse than his peers.


In the past I even wondered if he is OCD. Ultimately I determined I don't think he is,.. but he is VERY particular.


I recognize that he is who he is. He's meticulous, careful, and there are a lot of good things about his somewhat high-maintenance personality. I don't want to change him, or ask him to be someone he's not. But I do realize that its extremely difficult to get through life if you don't have a certain amount of flexibility. How can I help move him in the right direction?

[Anonymous]

Take heart. My sister's toddler is similar. He cried inconsolably the other day in the car during a long trip because his shoe lace was untied. He also cried when his hands turned wrinkly because he was in the bath tub too long. Silly little things like that would really set him off. Like your son, my nephew is super particular. My sister is also at her wits end. She found that explaining things and exhibiting a calm disposition helps. Otherwise, she is basically waiting for this phase to pass.

I know it's not much help. I'm chatting with my sister tonight so I'll see if she's made any progress.

[Anonymous]

I'm not at all an expert, but have you heard of Dabrowski and his theory of overexcitabilities? One area he noted was sensual overexcitability:

"Sensual Overexcitability
Sensual OE is expressed as a heightened experience of sensual pleasure or displeasure emanating from sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991). Those with Sensual OE have a far more expansive experience from their sensual input than the average person. They have an increased and early appreciation of aesthetic pleasures such as music, language, and art, and derive endless delight from tastes, smells, textures, sounds, and sights. But because of this increased sensitivity, they may also feel over-stimulated or uncomfortable with sensory input. Gifted children sometimes have difficulty with sorting out all they hear, feel, or smell. Their sensitivity makes them easily distractible. When emotionally tense, some individuals high in sensual OE may overeat, go on buying sprees, or seek the physical sensation of being the center of attraction (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991). Others may withdraw from stimulation. Sensually overexcitable children may find clothing tags, classroom noise, or smells from the cafeteria so distracting that school-work becomes secondary. These children may also become so absorbed in their love of a particular piece of art or music that the outside world ceases to exist.

Sensual Strategies

* Whenever, possible, create an environment which limits offensive stimuli and provides comfort.

* Provide appropriate opportunities for being in the limelight by giving unexpected attention, facilitating creative and dramatic productions which have an audience. These individuals literally feel the recognition that comes from being in the limelight.

* Provide time to dwell in the delight of the sensual and to create a soothing environment. Remember to allow time to just lounge in a warm scented bath, listen to rain, or just be present in a lovely garden. "

http://www.gt-cybersource.org/Record.aspx?NavID=2_0&rid=11248

If this sounds like your child, there's tons more online. And I'm sure a professional could help you identify more precisely where your son is coming from and what you can do to help.

[Anonymous]

my almost three year old son is also very particular about certain things too...i have found that being flexible myself helps, letting him do things himself (putting the cup whereever he wants rather than screaming about me putting it in the wrong place...if he starts screaming my response usually is ok, you put it where you want), also remaining calm and blase about his stuff defuses it a bit..getting into struggle almost never helps. i also think he's much worse about this kind of stuff when he's tired. as he's getting older, i find talking about it is working more often...

i have heard that this is typical toddler behavior and that boys are often worse about this than girls.

[Anonymous]

does he go to daycare? how do they deal with it? I would imagine they have much less time to deal with his inflexibility and you could learn from them ...just a thought

[Anonymous]

My 3 year old sounded like your child but going to preschool has helped make her more flexible.