Different parenting styles, lack of consistent bedtime routine

[Anonymous]

My DH has started to help out with putting our now 11 week old DD to bed, and with overnight/early morning feedings. Until a few weeks ago he was just helping with early evening and weekend daytime feedings, but he wants to do more and I'm glad to have the help. Here's the problem - we don't do things the same way and I'm wondering how consistent we need to be with bedtime at this point. He thinks we should each just do whatever we feel like doing that night. So on his night, she might get her last feeding for the night in the rec room while he's watching the news, and if she falls asleep they stay in the rec room until he's done watching. Or they might do the last feeding in our bedroom, or in the living room while listening to sports radio. Then he'll do a playtime with her after her last feeding, talking loudly, showing her toys and stuff. He is really great with her during playtimes, but has a hard time doing quiet stuff.

I say we need to establish a bedtime routine, and that it will be easier for us later if we start doing that now, even though she's very young. I don't have an exact schedule for her, but I've been trying to keep with a general routine. When I put her to bed, her last feeding is always in her room, while we sit in the glider, with some soft music playing. The lights are dimmed, and we don't do any "playtime" just read a book unless it makes her fussy. I try to keep everything quiet and soothing, to differentiate that last feeding at bedtime from our daytime activities when we play, laugh, listen to louder music, dance, etc.

When I offer suggestions, he thinks I'm acting like I'm the only one who knows how to parent, and that I don't value his contributions. I don't feel like that, but I do think I've learned a little more than he has about what works with DD since I'm the one who's been home with her every day, and the one who has been done most of the bedtimes. I will admit I tend to be a little controlling, which is why I'm posting this and asking for your opinions. I'm trying hard not to tell him how to do things, but a consistent bedtime routine seems really important and I think we should be on the same page with it.

So my question is, how important do you think it is to establish a bedtime routine at this age (11 weeks)? Does the routine need to be exactly the same every night, or can there be some flexibility? I'd like him to start doing it more my way not because I want it my way so much, but because I really do think what I'm doing is best for DD.

Thanks for your time.

[Anonymous]

On one hand, I'm sorry that we didn't establish a regular bedtime with our dd. Would have helped a lot later.

On the other hand, he is her parent, too, and you should work these things out together, if you want to be a real team. If you want him to be a fully-engaged partner, you can't treat him like an assistant who should carry out your directions. I know that you're not suggesting that he do that -- I'm just reacting to the number of complaints on this site about husbands who don't help and who can't do things right.

I think it's fantastic that he is engaged with your dd. I think it's important that he be a part of her life and it doesn't sound like his approach is way out of line or anything. Don't you like a little quiet time for yourself in the evening too? Some days when my dh came home from work, I just needed 30 mins all alone in the bedroom with the tv!

That said, I do wish we had had more regular bed time rituals when our dd was a baby. Maybe you two could work out a ritual together?

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced mom, and I think you need to loosen the reigns on bedtime with your husband, not because bedtime doesn't matter, but because the long term goal of letting your husband be the parent he wants to be is more important. I have gone through years of different bedtime routines, different food, different discipline (even different language). For the first years I was desperate to make things similar. And of course it was highly aggrevating to me that my ex did not respect my parenting expertise and simply did things the way he wanted to.

It's many years later and I have a happy boy who adjusts to two different routines, but two parents who love him equally. I think the lesson that was learned was by me. My son really is okay with different routines. Your husband could do this alone (if he had to, he would, right?). So your child will be okay. And the signal you send to your child and husband is a positive one. Your husband feels empowered to be a great dad. Your daughter, meanwhile, really gets the signal throughout life that two capable people are taking care of her equally.

Just two cents from someone who has come around on the matter.

[Anonymous]

i agree with the PP.

Routines are great, and some kids truly need them.

But as long as your daughter is healthy, happy, and getting the rest she needs it really doesn't matter so much how you get to the end point.

Making him feel like a valued, non criticized part of the parenting process is far better for your daughter ultimately.

[Anonymous]

One of the best pieces of advice I got was to let my husband help whenever he expressed an interest, encourage involvement, and not to criticize unless the activity endangered the baby. The routines are not that important and it is great that he is taking turns. I think you should loosen up a bit, if you can. You will all be happier. Sometimes I would leave the room (nicely) so that I was not tempted to criticize. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I agree with previous posters. I think some flexibility now will help in the future as far as encouraging your husband's positive participation.

I do believe that routines are important in the long run, but they should be something that works for both of you and should be somewhat flexible.

Regarding what works for both of you: the desire to create a soothing and calm environment is a good instinct, but this is way more important for some children than others. Eventually your husband will have to do a bedtime routine that does not involve TV and radio, but more play might be fine, depending on your child. The goal of the routine is that they understand when it is bedtime and willingly go to sleep without resistance. It is not to make them drowsy or cause them to fall asleep. In fact, it is critical that they learn to enter a crib awake and go to sleep on their own. This is why sleep training books advise against nursing them to sleep. On this, I do think that both of you should avoid the temptation to nurse or bottle feed the child to sleep. Really, you pay for it in the long run when your child can't enter the crib awake without throwing a fit.

I do not think that everything needs to be exactly the same. In fact, if your baby requires that the sleep routine has the exact same pattern every night, you may find yourself unable to get DS to sleep on vacation, with a sitter, or when you are out late. But some anchors help.

So in short, try to have some basic continuity, be flexible about what that continuity involves, and over time try to head toward a more regular routine together.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I'm the OP. Wow, awesome advice everyone. I was expecting everyone to say I was right, and to give me reasons to tell him why we need to do it my way! Ha ha. But it sounds like I need to not worry so much. I will let go and enjoy my nights off. Maybe put on some headphones so I won't be tempted to offer advice. I was thinking about it after reading all your responses, and rather than being helpful I'm probably just eroding DH's confidence in his own babycare skills. I don't want to do that. Oh gosh, I'm like my MIL when she visited right after the baby was born and she criticized my every move. I guess she thought she was being helpful, too.

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I believe firmly in nightly routines as it has made the sleeping battles non-existent. I do, however, think that there should be flexibility if your and your DH's parenting style is different. It's hard to insist that your method is correct (eventhough I agree with your method fully), but as long as your daughter gets consistent and enough sleep at night, then whatever your DH is doing should be fine. In other words, if what DH is doing is causing the baby to sleep significant less at night, then perhaps something has to change.

[Anonymous]

I think that your DH helping out is awesome. I'm not sure if this matters but your baby is still very young. I do not think the lack routine will have a negative effect on her at this time. I also think she may learn to associate the different routines with you and your husband.

Please think of this as a time DH can bond with her as well.