Newly Divorced for less than a month -is 11 days away over Easter ageapprpriate?

[Anonymous]

I need advice - I am recently divorced and share 50/50 custody with XDH. He booked an 11 day trip without asking me with his family including over Easter, and I am concerned that this is (1) too long to be away for a 3 and 6 year old; and (2) our separation agreement states we must give other parent access over Easter to kids to celebrate "together"; nad (3) I had that weekend with kids. I am torn between wanting to be accomodating/flexible,a dn being upset about missing Easter with the kids.

Does anyone have any practical advice on handling this situation? should I suck it up and be flexilble? AM i setting a bad precident? Will this make the kids upset to be away for that long? I've never been away from them for more than 4 days at a time....

Thoughts/advice welcome!!!

[Anonymous]

I think too long to be away from mother. At the least insist on makeup time plus.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I would add the making of plans and springing this on me would really make me upset:angry whatever the word. He's pulling something unreasonable here and I would say his making such plans without first asking you is starting a slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

Each kid/family is different so I can't say if yours would be upset by being away from you that long. It's possible that if they are surrounded by loving father + grandparents they will be fine.
To me the issue seems to be that this completely goes against the separation agreement, or the separation agreement is vague enough that it can be open to radically different interpretations.
How did ex approach this with you. "Hey, I know we had originally said we would do X, but some special circumstances have come up and instead I'd really like to do Y?" or was it more like "Kids are going with me and my family on 11 day trip. Have their bags packed."
If the former, sounds like you can discuss. If the later, you might need to bring the lawyers back in and point out the custody arrangement.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- it was brought up in the context of my DH telling me that his famiyl wanted to invite the kids to Florida starting on X date, but not specifying a return date, adn then purchasing the tickets before I replied..... And him claming that he "did not know" it was Easter.

I'm divided between wanting to be flexilbe/accomodating and getting makeup time (maybe the week of July 4th with the kids) and being concerned that this sets a precident of violating our agreement.

FWIW we've had a very collaborative divorce but DH has an abusive past and I am trying to establish boundaries....

[Anonymous]

I would let them go but like your idea maybe you can have them longer another time.
technically if he is in violation of custody ppw you could take him to court because hes in violation of a court order. If you are both generally being civil and accommodating though I dont think you should go that route.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is too long to be away, they are going to be with a parent.

I think you are walking a fine line. Being flexible is a good thing if your ex then reciprocates when you want flexibility. That is an ideal custody arrangements if both parents are accommodating.

However this is very new and you really don't have anything that is routine yet. You don't want the norm to be accommodating all the time or it will be chaotic for everyone.

The issue that he booked it without asking over your scheduled weekend and on a shared holiday is also problematic.

I think you need to discuss these issues with him. He may not have caused problems intentionally as this is so new and there are growing pains related to learning how to co-parent and live separately. However you also have to be careful that this isn't setting a precedent.

I would make a decision based on his attitude. Does he realize he kind of messed up? Does he tend to manipulate to get what he wants? Is he willing to hear your thoughts and consider how this can work for all?

Has he thought about how he will maintain contact while away and manage the kids getting homesick seeing as this is a big adjustment for them too? Is he sensitive to how this might impact the kids?

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am divorced and share custody and I don't think this is too long for the children. My DC was separated from me for 9 days at age three, shortly after we'd told DC about the separation, and was with dad and grandparents and was fine. Of course every child is different. (It will probably feel longer for you!)

What bothers me more is his flagrant disregard of your agreement. You've got 15 more years of this. It's sweet that you are concerned about the children, but I'm much, much more concerned about you. Especially reading that he was abusive in the past. Often the dynamic follows you post-divorce.

Flexibility is a two-way street. He wasn't being flexible here. He excluding you from the planning, on time that is yours with your children. That is a huge no-no. Do you want this to happen every spring or holiday break? What about summers? This isn't about going to court, it's about setting a precedent where he could -- could, I don't know how agreeable or disagreeable he is -- books flights at his convenience and if you protested tell you that you seemed okay with it one time, why not this time.

In my mind, you should get this straight now, and make clear that he should not book flights involving the children until you've finalized everything, including dates and makeup time if that makes sense. He could pull this again.

I'd write an email, along the lines of: (An email, not a text.)

In the future, please do not book flights for vacations -- in general, but especially if they depart from our agreement -- before discussing them with me. I know the children will have a great time with their grandparents in Florida. Given I'm missing XX days with them, I plan to make them up WHEN.

(It's important that he not book flights period without your input because your work schedule might mean some switchoffs, etc.)

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about the kids -- they'll be more than fine with their Dad for that length of time. This is about setting the patterns for how you're going to do this in the future. You basically have to decided whether you're going to make this an Issue or try to deal amicably with it. If you agree, I'd just say you'll agree this time but in the future you expect better communication and he needs to seek your consent.

My guess is he's trying to make a point that he won't seek your permission in the future. Which isn't how shared custody actually works once the courts get involved.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks much for your insight. This raises the point that he ALSO on another weekend booked a flight to go on vacation on a weekend where he was supposed to be with the kids -- and didn't tell me about it until 6 weeks later - when the whole time I'd had a big busines meeting on the same day. I ended up having to get our cleaning lady to watch the kids as our other childcare provider was out. And so it has been only less than a month since our divorce and this has already happened twice.....

I agree that maybe he is trying to make a point that he won't need my permission.... And I've called him out on this... generally in our marriage he also did things without communicating about this stuff, but now that we are co-parenting I feel like there needs to be more communication....

I have already asked for the long week of fourth of July off -- which he approved now - and so I Feel at least there is some sort of trade.

My job will require me to travel a lot in the coming months so I feel like I need to be as flexible as possible with his requests........ It is all a new learning curve....Thanks everyone for your helpful comments...

[Anonymous]

OP,

You aren't being flexible, you are letting him walk all over you. Are you in therapy? Seriously, I can't believe that you are tolerating this -- not once but twice -- without standing up for yourself and for the agreement you and he negotiated. You've got 15 years to go. Also, if you stand up for yourself in writing, it's there if you ever get to court. It's your call, but I wouldn't call this flexibility.

With shared custody you have to communicate about these things. It's not your opinion. It's the legal standard!

[Anonymous]

As difficult as it seems, with someone like this you may need to make an example early on by, for example, not letting the kids go and making him get a court order. This may seem extreme and unreasonable, but I say it because he sounds like he is walking all over you, and he hasn't yet realized he needs to respect you as an equal. He is still treating you like his wife that he can bullshit and walk all over.

It's like that expression about punching the toughest guy on jail on your first week to make a point you won't be messed with. Make a point now and it is still early enough that your kids won't remember it.

[Anonymous]

My ex has kept my now 4-year-old on family vacations for this long before. He doesn't always know going in that it will be that long, as he drives there and back. I miss her like crazy while she's gone, but you know what? Time away from our children is sometimes a good thing.

Sit him down and say, "look, 11 days is a long time. I would have preferred to have talked about this before you booked it. I'm going to let it pass this time because I think it's good for the kids to spend time with family, but in the future, we really need to communicate better about this stuff, ok? I think you'd be pissed if I did the same thing, right?" Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You have to co-parent with him for quite some time. Make it clear that you won't be so agreeable next time and he needs to discuss these things with you.

If the kids will enjoy the trip, there's no sense in trying to cancel it.

[Anonymous]

Use the alone time to catch up with your boyfriend or your new fwb. The kids will be fine as long as your divorce wasn't
Over physical abuse issues.