Can we talk about teen angst?

[Anonymous]

Hi all.

I do not have a teenager, but I used to be one. A friend of mine is really struggling with how to see her daughter through the teen years. She's a very smart girl, isn't into drugs, very passionate about the world and does very well in school.

She's been doing some things that are scaring the hell out of her folks. She's been cutting, and she hasn't been eating. On the surface of it, in an anonymous internet post, it's so easy to look at this and say, "Well, clearly she needs counseling, or to be an inpatient somewhere, or some meds."

...But the fifteen year old who used to be me knows that it isn't that simple. There is nothing sweet and light about being fifteen. Fifteen is angst and insecurity and figuring out who you are, wondering if you can live up to your potential and wondering what that means.

She has a very good relationship with her mother, and they do talk about this stuff very honestly. A family counselor is involved, as is the family doctor.

What did your parents do right when you were a teen? What do you wish they had done differently?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
I understand your concern. My teenager went through cutting and obsessing about suicide. I also had a difficult adolescence (I thought I had invented cutting!) and I had hoped to have learned enough to keep my kid from having so much difficulty.

There's not much point in talking about what my parents did and did not do well -- that was another time (the late 60s - early 70s) and a different generation. I think these days people are much more open to dealing with emotional troubles -- thank god!

At any rate, at the first sign of cutting we got my child into therapy with a talented young therapist (hate to say it but young, college-student-like, and outgoing are necessary qualities to appeal to my teen) and she seemed to be doing better for awhile. Then she had a destructive breakup with a sweetheart and she spiraled downward. Her therapist recommended investigating the program at Dominion Hospital in Falls Church.

It was so hard to send her to Dominion. I had always figured that my child would need therapy at some point (hey, she's my kid, after all). But I had never thought I would have to hospitalize her. It made me feel like a failure as a parent.

But I am happy to report that the program at Dominion worked wonders! Dominion helped dd figure out strategies to cope and they started her on a low dosage of meds. We now consider it the best thing we could have done. It was like therapy boot camp.

I know you're not asking about this but rather about people's experiences as teens. All I can say is that it is very important that your friend has a good relationship with her daughter and that they can talk about this stuff. (I loved my parents but they were too anxious -- they wanted me to not be depressed but they also didn't want to hear about the things that made me depressed.) Also, as my shrink pointed out to me, that she can help her daughter but her daughter also has to learn how to manage her emotions and your friend can't do it for her.

It's a long road but I know that I recovered from the hell that was my adolescence and I watch every day as my daughter recovers from hers. You're a good friend. Just continue being supportive and be willing to listen to your friend. I'm sure she is worrying about whether she has failed as a parent and it may be difficult to confide in people about this. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

I guess as a society, we need to learn how to work with our emotions, instead of treating them like enemy. Even though at times our emotions feel like our worst enemy. If we are driving a car, and the oil light goes on, if we choose to ignore it or do something to distract ourselves from seeing it, in the short term we will feel a little better. But it won't solve the problem. And we end up feeling worse in the long run. Same thing with feelings.
Like PP mentioned, so many parents are too anxious and couldn't handle depressed feeling from their kids or themselves.
If you are really interested in learning how to work with our emotions (good ones and scary ones), you can read more about different techniques that help to release and resolve emotions, rather than suppress or pushing the emotions down. Here are some starting points: www.emofree.com www.family-hypnosis.com

[Anonymous]

I do not have these specific issues.....but what I am dealing with is my own special hell, as I am sure yours is. My experience: FORGET COUNSELING, use a psychiatrist. That is , if you can get in to see one! A great place to start is with your pediatrician or go to MD. BEST OF LUCK!!

[Anonymous]

A good therapist is a lifesaver. A bad one is dangerous.

If you do go the therapy route and your therapist isn't working for you, please switch to another.

[Anonymous]

Agree with OP. However, this is not a time to risk a "dangerous therapist". There are just too damn many of them. If you know a good one PP, please do tell.

I agree with sticking with the psychiatrist idea.

[Anonymous]

Your friend should monitor her child closely and have a really good idea about her social life. Get access to her internet activity/chats etc.

[Anonymous]

????????

[Anonymous]

Someone recommended this book on another thread, "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. I'm reading it now. It lays out why the child's attachment relationship to the parent is so important. You can have the best child rearing techniques, but they won't help if the relationship is off, especially if the child is "peer oriented" which is so common these days. Anyway, so far it is a very compelling read. I would recommend, especially for parents of teens.

[Anonymous]

Lisa Genser at the Jewish Social Service Agency has been fabulous with my teen daughter. She is a talented therapist and also has "the cool older sister" appeal that has enabled my daughter to really open up to her and trust her with her thoughts and feelings. I guess the best endorsement has been my daughter saying; "she really gets me and helps me get myself too."