5-year-old brother constantly annoys little sister

[Anonymous]

I can't figure out how to handle what I'm sure is a very normal situation. 5-year-old DS loves to torment 3-year-old little sister. He walks by her and baps her on the head, he tells her his bowl of cereal is better than hers, he grabs stuff from her, and all kinds of other things when my back is turned. Almost every single time I leave the room I hear her start to cry and he acts like he didn't do anything, though it's obvious he did. How much am I supposed to intervene in this? Am I supposed to ignore it and let her learn to stand up for herself? Or do I need to come to her aid all the time (which is my natural instinct). I'm so tired of telling him to leave her alone!!

[Anonymous]

Lavish attention on her and remove attention from him to the extreme when this happens.

"Oh, Larla!! You poor, poor baby? Did your big brother bap you on the head? Oh that must hurt!" Pick her up, hug her, kiss her, rock her. If at all possible, remove her and yourself from big brother to a room where you can close the door, "to make sure she is all right." Really lay it on. Like, "Oh my! What could ever make you feel better after this? Maybe a trip to (insert name of big brother's favorite outing here). Since brother can't behave, we will have to leave him at home with Daddy so it will be just you and me."

Once your son figures out that he a) gets no attention, even negative attention; and b) loses out on something he values he will stop.

[Anonymous]

Can I give you a book recommendation? Siblings Without Rivalry. The whole book is about about fostering good relationships amongst siblings while cutting out the annoying stuff they do to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lavish attention on her and remove attention from him to the extreme when this happens.

"Oh, Larla!! You poor, poor baby? Did your big brother bap you on the head? Oh that must hurt!" Pick her up, hug her, kiss her, rock her. If at all possible, remove her and yourself from big brother to a room where you can close the door, "to make sure she is all right." Really lay it on. Like, "Oh my! What could ever make you feel better after this? Maybe a trip to (insert name of big brother's favorite outing here). Since brother can't behave, we will have to leave him at home with Daddy so it will be just you and me."

Once your son figures out that he a) gets no attention, even negative attention; and b) loses out on something he values he will stop.

But if he does it because he's jealous or feels like he doesn't get enough attention, won't this make him angry and more likely to cause more trouble?

[Anonymous]

Older siblings have tormented younger siblings since the beginning of time (particularly when the are of opposite genders). The younger sibling eventually gets even by being a pest It evens out in the end. : )

[Anonymous]

Mine are the same age, and I have this problem too. I find that giving the 5 year old some special responsibilities can help. For example- say I'm going to change laundry loads, can you be my special helper and build a lego castle with little sibling? Or have the older one pour cereal for both kids as a special helper. My older child is a girl, but maybe this will work for older brothers too.

We're also trying the pom pom reward jar- I'll put a pom pom in her jar if I catch her being really nice and helpful. When the jar is full, she gets a very special prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Older siblings have tormented younger siblings since the beginning of time (particularly when the are of opposite genders). The younger sibling eventually gets even by being a pest It evens out in the end. : )

Agreed. It's definitely tit for tat in our house. My son (10) and daughter (4) love to pester each other.

[Anonymous]

The most effective thing to do is yell at the 5 yo and threaten to smack him upside the head unless he Stops That Shit.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. It is what they do. And honestly - if you lavish attention on your daughter, you will be creating a monster who shrieks and whines every time she wants your attention.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is recommended practice but this is what I--an imperfect parent--do:

I tell my older child: "I saw that. That [be specific: bopping, provoking, bragging, insulting] anyone is not acceptable. Take a moment to think about how you want to be treated, and how you would feel if someone did that to you. Then, tell me what you're going to do to make that right [apologize]. The next time I see that happen, there will be a serious consequence [put a toy on vacation, whatever]."

Remind the child that if I see someone behaving meanly toward him, I'd intervene, too.

Intervene if the youngest is provoking: don't always assume that the little one is 100% innocent, and demonstrate to the oldest that I'm on his side, too.

Encourage problem-solving when the older child is ready for that. Meanwhile, I'm the little's primary protector.

And praise like hell when they're being good.

[Anonymous]

At three, you can also start coaching the Little to speak directly to the Big. "Stop it!" "That hurts!" "I don't like it when you X!"

As much as you want to teach the Big not to harass people for fun, you also need to give the Little the words she needs to advocate for herself, and to help her use them. If nothing else, it will reduce the incoherent whining and howling by at least 30%.

[Anonymous]

Your son is getting so much enjoyment from this, a shame to deny it to him completely. I loved loved doing this to my younger sister. The key here for your peace is having a time when enough is enough. Let him do his thing, but make sure he knows that when you say stop, he has to stop. Send him to his room or something. I have tried telling my son on the side, "if she cries, then I will be annoyed with you". Not sure how, but this seems to work in toning the craziness down.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice since I have an only child. I can just say that as the younger sister who was relentlessly tormented by her older brother, you should nip this in the bud. The tormenting escalated as he reached his teenage years and my brother literally tried to kill me several times (hold me under water in the pool, cleaning products in my juice, etc.). I frequently wished I never had a sibling and to this day I have zero connection with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is getting so much enjoyment from this, a shame to deny it to him completely. I loved loved doing this to my younger sister. The key here for your peace is having a time when enough is enough. Let him do his thing, but make sure he knows that when you say stop, he has to stop. Send him to his room or something. I have tried telling my son on the side, "if she cries, then I will be annoyed with you". Not sure how, but this seems to work in toning the craziness down.

This is sad. No doubt that the tormenter has no idea how much permanent damage they are doing to the tormentee and their relationship with them. It is not fair to the little sister to allow big brother to get his kicks because its so much fun for him.

[Anonymous]

My older brother (3 years older than me) tormented me my whole childhood. I have never forgiven him - and still blame my parents. They know this and have apologized. They didn't realize how cruel and mean he was. I don't think that this is ok for your family. I have a 5 year old boy with two younger girl siblings. He has never tormented either one of them. Sure there is fighting sometimes and jealousy, but nothing like you describe. I would really take the time to fix this now. BTW, I am not saying that the older child is always at fault - def not true. But, you really need to work harder to create a more friendly dynamic.