Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP realizes how hard it is to just take care of a baby and toddler. Forget the cooking and cleaning, just keeping the kids alive and not crying. Add to that playing and feeding them.

I remember snapping at DH when he came home and commented about the house being messy. I used to work 60 hours per week and didn’t cook. You don’t all of a sudden become an amazing cook and housekeeper because you give birth to two kids.

OP here. I’m aware it’s challenging and not easy. I have had them on my own for extended periods many times before. I care for them in the evenings and on the weekends as much as I can.

“as much as I can.” lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it shocks me as a full time working mom that op is being called a troll. are there really people out here deciding to stay home with help who don't think they have a hustle of their own to do? wtf? marriage you are a team where you both do annoying stuff. not where one person does annoying stuff. jfc.

it shocks you because you cannot read. she’s doind a ton. she’s just not the stepford wife to which OP believes he is entitled.

OP here. I don’t want a stepford wife and I never said I was entitled to one. I do, however, expect my spouse to pull their weight. We have a nanny come 5 days a week, one kid in daycare 3 days a week, and a housekeeper that comes twice a month. On the weekends, I let her sleep in and Saturday is her to go get a massage ( she’s gets them weekly), get a mani/pedi, see friends, etc. She has ample time to get things done.

I feel like I provide my wife with a very nice lifestyle. She has a very involved husband/father, a very nice expensive home, and she gets anything she wants from me.

You still seem to think your wife works for you. How much do you think you owe her for giving birth to and breastfeeding your two children? It will take you a while to work off that debt.

OP doesn’t think she owes him anything. Her choice was to stay at home and she assume those responsibilities that come with it. If OP decided to stop supporting his wife, wouldn’t she leave him? I doubt she would decide to pick up the slack and support her entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it shocks me as a full time working mom that op is being called a troll. are there really people out here deciding to stay home with help who don't think they have a hustle of their own to do? wtf? marriage you are a team where you both do annoying stuff. not where one person does annoying stuff. jfc.

it shocks you because you cannot read. she’s doind a ton. she’s just not the stepford wife to which OP believes he is entitled.

OP here. I don’t want a stepford wife and I never said I was entitled to one. I do, however, expect my spouse to pull their weight. We have a nanny come 5 days a week, one kid in daycare 3 days a week, and a housekeeper that comes twice a month. On the weekends, I let her sleep in and Saturday is her to go get a massage ( she’s gets them weekly), get a mani/pedi, see friends, etc. She has ample time to get things done.

I feel like I provide my wife with a very nice lifestyle. She has a very involved husband/father, a very nice expensive home, and she gets anything she wants from me.

What’s an “ expensive home” to you? Many men claim a cheap home is expensive.

OP here. We live in a $2.7m home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the sake of your marriage, try to hold off discussing this for a few more years. I had twins and under 3 was the worst.

I had infant twins and a toddler with no help while I was SAHM. OP is right to feel irritation. His wife has back up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it shocks me as a full time working mom that op is being called a troll. are there really people out here deciding to stay home with help who don't think they have a hustle of their own to do? wtf? marriage you are a team where you both do annoying stuff. not where one person does annoying stuff. jfc.

it shocks you because you cannot read. she’s doind a ton. she’s just not the stepford wife to which OP believes he is entitled.

OP here. I don’t want a stepford wife and I never said I was entitled to one. I do, however, expect my spouse to pull their weight. We have a nanny come 5 days a week, one kid in daycare 3 days a week, and a housekeeper that comes twice a month. On the weekends, I let her sleep in and Saturday is her to go get a massage ( she’s gets them weekly), get a mani/pedi, see friends, etc. She has ample time to get things done.

I feel like I provide my wife with a very nice lifestyle. She has a very involved husband/father, a very nice expensive home, and she gets anything she wants from me.

You still seem to think your wife works for you. How much do you think you owe her for giving birth to and breastfeeding your two children? It will take you a while to work off that debt.

OP here. No but we are a team. Why is it so wrong to expect her to do household things when she stays home and we have a nanny?

If you want to play the game that I owe her something for having my kids, we could just as much say she owes me for providing for her. That’s a slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've put off making this post for while because I feel like I already know the responses I will get but just need to make it. I need some guidance to understand and keep my sanity. Help me navigate this.

My wife and I have two children, an infant and a toddler. She is a great mom who adores our kids. My wife worked PT with our older child but transitioned to a stay-at-home mom when our second came. I was fully on board because I felt it would take a lot of stress off her plate and make life easier.

So far, that hasn't been the case. She doesn't seem like she does much. The house is a disaster every night, I do 90% of the cooking, and I try to help out as much as I can on the weekends. Our oldest is in PT daycare and we have a PT nanny that helps with both kids. We have semi-weekly housekeeper but my wife has been insisting we need her every week to help manage the house. I thought my wife would be more involved, not less. I'm growing tired of it. I feel she should be more active in parenting and maintaining our house. I want to approach the subject but I don't want to cause hurt her feelings or make her think I feel she's a bad wife/mother.

Lol sounds like your wife is “quiet quitting” being a SAHP.

And she will quite quit being an active household participant. The job will be the latest excuse. Frankly, some people don’t have work ethics and it eventually catches up with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP realizes how hard it is to just take care of a baby and toddler. Forget the cooking and cleaning, just keeping the kids alive and not crying. Add to that playing and feeding them.

I remember snapping at DH when he came home and commented about the house being messy. I used to work 60 hours per week and didn’t cook. You don’t all of a sudden become an amazing cook and housekeeper because you give birth to two kids.

OP here. I’m aware it’s challenging and not easy. I have had them on my own for extended periods many times before. I care for them in the evenings and on the weekends as much as I can.

“as much as I can.” lol.

OP here. Yup. I have to work to provide for my wife and kids. I spend almost every waking moment that I’m not working with them or taking care of the house.

I guess you think the universe just provides free money. Someone has to work to pay for our lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it shocks me as a full time working mom that op is being called a troll. are there really people out here deciding to stay home with help who don't think they have a hustle of their own to do? wtf? marriage you are a team where you both do annoying stuff. not where one person does annoying stuff. jfc.

it shocks you because you cannot read. she’s doind a ton. she’s just not the stepford wife to which OP believes he is entitled.

OP here. I don’t want a stepford wife and I never said I was entitled to one. I do, however, expect my spouse to pull their weight. We have a nanny come 5 days a week, one kid in daycare 3 days a week, and a housekeeper that comes twice a month. On the weekends, I let her sleep in and Saturday is her to go get a massage ( she’s gets them weekly), get a mani/pedi, see friends, etc. She has ample time to get things done.

I feel like I provide my wife with a very nice lifestyle. She has a very involved husband/father, a very nice expensive home, and she gets anything she wants from me.

You still seem to think your wife works for you. How much do you think you owe her for giving birth to and breastfeeding your two children? It will take you a while to work off that debt.

OP here. No but we are a team. Why is it so wrong to expect her to do household things when she stays home and we have a nanny?

If you want to play the game that I owe her something for having my kids, we could just as much say she owes me for providing for her. That’s a slippery slope.

Why are you still whining on here? Have you asked your wife these questions yet?

[Anonymous]

She stays home but has a nanny? What does she even do all day? Why would she stay home if she is not going to raise her kids?

Your wife sounds like a freeloader. Dump her and find someone that actually wants to be an active parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it shocks me as a full time working mom that op is being called a troll. are there really people out here deciding to stay home with help who don't think they have a hustle of their own to do? wtf? marriage you are a team where you both do annoying stuff. not where one person does annoying stuff. jfc.

it shocks you because you cannot read. she’s doind a ton. she’s just not the stepford wife to which OP believes he is entitled.

OP here. I don’t want a stepford wife and I never said I was entitled to one. I do, however, expect my spouse to pull their weight. We have a nanny come 5 days a week, one kid in daycare 3 days a week, and a housekeeper that comes twice a month. On the weekends, I let her sleep in and Saturday is her to go get a massage ( she’s gets them weekly), get a mani/pedi, see friends, etc. She has ample time to get things done.

I feel like I provide my wife with a very nice lifestyle. She has a very involved husband/father, a very nice expensive home, and she gets anything she wants from me.

You still seem to think your wife works for you. How much do you think you owe her for giving birth to and breastfeeding your two children? It will take you a while to work off that debt.

OP here. No but we are a team. Why is it so wrong to expect her to do household things when she stays home and we have a nanny?

If you want to play the game that I owe her something for having my kids, we could just as much say she owes me for providing for her. That’s a slippery slope.

Why are you still whining on here? Have you asked your wife these questions yet?

Why not answer OPs questions? Why do most women lack accountability snd want life on easy mode?

OPs wife is lazy and a bad mom and wife. He married wrong.

[Anonymous]

I’m not going to read all the replies, but OP I just wanted to say that I think you are right based upon what you describe. I was a SAHM and I did not have as much help as your wife. We had a monthly house cleaner and when each of my kids turned 3 they started church preschool 3 mornings a week 9-12, until kindergarten, which was also half day.

I took my job very seriously and I really wanted it. But many people are just terrible at it or don’t view it as a job. It’s not just caring for the kids. A lot of women I knew didn’t actually want to be a SAHM, they just wanted to not work while paying someone else to watch the kids and clean the house while calling themselves a “SAHM.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I took what people said on here and decided to talk to my wife. Not because I'm in the wrong, but because I needed to see if there was a deeper issue going on. We went out to breakfast solo and talked about it. My wife opened up that she doesn't enjoy being a SAHM as much as she thought she would. She misses working and interacting with adults. She said she feels jealous when going out with friends and hearing their work stories and having nothing to share. She told me she feels like she has lost part of herself and her identity. She said her not cooking is because she feels like she is always in " mom mode" and that she just doesn't have the mental capacity to cook meals. She is unhappy and feels like going back to work PT will give her that balance she needs. She said she feels like she isn't a contributing member of society and needs to feel like she has more purpose than just being a mother and wife.

She also said she has been feeling inadequate with the nanny there. She feels like the nanny can handle our two kids but she can't manage it. She had been feeling like this since for months but didn't want to feel like she was a failure by verbalizing it to anyone.

She is going to look for a new job that's PT. We will keep our nanny until our youngest is old enough for daycare. We will be looking for a housekeeper who will work weekly and help out more with meals, etc. to make life easier.

Ok well OP are you still going to expect her to do the same amount of housework as when she worked PT with one baby? Because that’s not going to happen. You are going to be doing more housework than before because you now have TWO children.

Of course a nanny can handle two kids well for 6-8 hours a day and then go home and do whatever. That’s totally different than being at home 24 hours a day with babies, toddlers and children! Totally different dynamic and relationship too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it shocks me as a full time working mom that op is being called a troll. are there really people out here deciding to stay home with help who don't think they have a hustle of their own to do? wtf? marriage you are a team where you both do annoying stuff. not where one person does annoying stuff. jfc.

it shocks you because you cannot read. she’s doind a ton. she’s just not the stepford wife to which OP believes he is entitled.

OP here. I don’t want a stepford wife and I never said I was entitled to one. I do, however, expect my spouse to pull their weight. We have a nanny come 5 days a week, one kid in daycare 3 days a week, and a housekeeper that comes twice a month. On the weekends, I let her sleep in and Saturday is her to go get a massage ( she’s gets them weekly), get a mani/pedi, see friends, etc. She has ample time to get things done.

I feel like I provide my wife with a very nice lifestyle. She has a very involved husband/father, a very nice expensive home, and she gets anything she wants from me.

Is this a gay lesbian couple or wtf kind of posts are these OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I took what people said on here and decided to talk to my wife. Not because I'm in the wrong, but because I needed to see if there was a deeper issue going on. We went out to breakfast solo and talked about it. My wife opened up that she doesn't enjoy being a SAHM as much as she thought she would. She misses working and interacting with adults. She said she feels jealous when going out with friends and hearing their work stories and having nothing to share. She told me she feels like she has lost part of herself and her identity. She said her not cooking is because she feels like she is always in " mom mode" and that she just doesn't have the mental capacity to cook meals. She is unhappy and feels like going back to work PT will give her that balance she needs. She said she feels like she isn't a contributing member of society and needs to feel like she has more purpose than just being a mother and wife.

She also said she has been feeling inadequate with the nanny there. She feels like the nanny can handle our two kids but she can't manage it. She had been feeling like this since for months but didn't want to feel like she was a failure by verbalizing it to anyone.

She is going to look for a new job that's PT. We will keep our nanny until our youngest is old enough for daycare. We will be looking for a housekeeper who will work weekly and help out more with meals, etc. to make life easier.

Ok well OP are you still going to expect her to do the same amount of housework as when she worked PT with one baby? Because that’s not going to happen. You are going to be doing more housework than before because you now have TWO children.

Of course a nanny can handle two kids well for 6-8 hours a day and then go home and do whatever. That’s totally different than being at home 24 hours a day with babies, toddlers and children! Totally different dynamic and relationship too.

Full time nannies work 8-9 hours a day and most are also expected to keep the house tidy (not doing deep cleans but picking up after herself and the kids) and manage the kids laundry. Sounds like OP’s wife is not even doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I took what people said on here and decided to talk to my wife. Not because I'm in the wrong, but because I needed to see if there was a deeper issue going on. We went out to breakfast solo and talked about it. My wife opened up that she doesn't enjoy being a SAHM as much as she thought she would. She misses working and interacting with adults. She said she feels jealous when going out with friends and hearing their work stories and having nothing to share. She told me she feels like she has lost part of herself and her identity. She said her not cooking is because she feels like she is always in " mom mode" and that she just doesn't have the mental capacity to cook meals. She is unhappy and feels like going back to work PT will give her that balance she needs. She said she feels like she isn't a contributing member of society and needs to feel like she has more purpose than just being a mother and wife.

She also said she has been feeling inadequate with the nanny there. She feels like the nanny can handle our two kids but she can't manage it. She had been feeling like this since for months but didn't want to feel like she was a failure by verbalizing it to anyone.

She is going to look for a new job that's PT. We will keep our nanny until our youngest is old enough for daycare. We will be looking for a housekeeper who will work weekly and help out more with meals, etc. to make life easier.

Ok well OP are you still going to expect her to do the same amount of housework as when she worked PT with one baby? Because that’s not going to happen. You are going to be doing more housework than before because you now have TWO children.

Of course a nanny can handle two kids well for 6-8 hours a day and then go home and do whatever. That’s totally different than being at home 24 hours a day with babies, toddlers and children! Totally different dynamic and relationship too.

Full time nannies work 8-9 hours a day and most are also expected to keep the house tidy (not doing deep cleans but picking up after herself and the kids) and manage the kids laundry. Sounds like OP’s wife is not even doing that.

…and OP ‘s wife has a nanny and daycare.