Doing the responsible thing, waiting to TTC

[Anonymous]

For many, many reasons I am not and will not be TTC anytime soon. We have a 2.5 yo handful that while a blessing also zaps all of our energy and sleep. We have no family nearby. Both work. Many people it seems make that leap of faith (bad finances, relationships, etc) to have #2 or 3 and I'm envious or sad to 'do the responsible thing' and wait. Anyone relate?

[Anonymous]

I can sort of relate, OP. I want another baby so much, I'm an only and I want my baby to have a sibling so much, but it's just too hard right now. It's too hard money-wise, it's too hard for our relationship, it's too hard for me as a just-barely-functioning human being. I feel like things are never going to be "just right" though. It's so hard!

[Anonymous]

I can relate, though I don't have kids yet. We put off having children in my early 30s because of unstable finances thanks to the recession. Finally started at 33, only to have my once-regular cycles go haywire on me for no apparent reason. I did get pregnant but miscarried in December, now waiting to start again once my cycles resume. I'll be 35 later this year, which is beginning to weigh on me. Wish I had taken that leap of faith earlier!

[Anonymous]

I can relate, although I went the other way and decided to have another kid now anyway. Others have told me that there never is a good time, you just have to go for it. Plus my thinking is I'm already tired and life is already crazy, why not throw another into the mix while we're already dealing with this? It'd be awful to start to feel like life was returning to normal again, only to then have to go back to newborn mode. But to each her own.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The part of me that struggles with the jump thinks about the fact that our relationship is not good and my job is still an adjustment. It does not help that of very few friends with 2 one couple is now divorcing and the other three describe 'personal hells' despite family help. I mean, it sounds awful. Obviously they love their kids, but at what price? Am I willing to pay that price?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The part of me that struggles with the jump thinks about the fact that our relationship is not good and my job is still an adjustment. It does not help that of very few friends with 2 one couple is now divorcing and the other three describe 'personal hells' despite family help. I mean, it sounds awful. Obviously they love their kids, but at what price? Am I willing to pay that price?

If your relationship is "not good," you are absolutely doing the right thing by waiting. It's not fair to your existing child, let alone a new baby, to put major stress on a marriage that is already stressed. Are you and your partner working on strengthening the relationship or just hoping it will get better? With one toddler things should not be THAT hard. Now is the perfect time to work on your relationship and hopefully get to the point where you are ready for # 2 (if that's what you want).

[Anonymous]

I decided to stop at one for similar reasons. Sad, but pretty sure it is the best thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The part of me that struggles with the jump thinks about the fact that our relationship is not good and my job is still an adjustment. It does not help that of very few friends with 2 one couple is now divorcing and the other three describe 'personal hells' despite family help. I mean, it sounds awful. Obviously they love their kids, but at what price? Am I willing to pay that price?

If your relationship is "not good," you are absolutely doing the right thing by waiting. It's not fair to your existing child, let alone a new baby, to put major stress on a marriage that is already stressed. Are you and your partner working on strengthening the relationship or just hoping it will get better? With one toddler things should not be THAT hard. Now is the perfect time to work on your relationship and hopefully get to the point where you are ready for # 2 (if that's what you want).

Some people have difficult toddlers, ours is one of those kids. Still doesn't sleep through the night, very picky eater with allergies. Add to that a partner unwilling to do his share of chores and doesn't trust babysitters. Sometimes, you have a difficult child and partner both are 'unfixable' hence the standstill.

[Anonymous]

I think that you are right to put relationship concerns first. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship but my husband gets easily stressed. Potty training #1 took a big toll on him. I was worried about ruining our relationship if we had #2. Although now I'm worried that I'm too old and may have missed the boat.

Studies have shown that the more children you have, the more of a toll it takes on your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Our relationship was solid, but our finances were not. However, DH was approaching mid 40s, so we took the leap and got pregnant when #1 was 18m. Similar situation with no family near-by, etc. The first couple years were pretty hard, but got incrementally easier as #2 got older. Now that they are 4 and 6, things are way, way better. We're in DC, so kids are in charter schools, and the fact that we have had diminishing daycare costs has made a huge difference in our finances.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate so, so well, down to the food allergies and husband not wanting to use babysitters. It is such a hard position to be in. I have chosen to focus on my own health, sanity, and marriage for the sake of my one child, and to be perfectly honest it breaks my heart to feel like I have to make this choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can relate so, so well, down to the food allergies and husband not wanting to use babysitters. It is such a hard position to be in. I have chosen to focus on my own health, sanity, and marriage for the sake of my one child, and to be perfectly honest it breaks my heart to feel like I have to make this choice.

Thanks for the response PP. There is comfort knowing I'm not alone.