Can a MIL ruin a marriage?

[Anonymous]

We recently moved to be closer to our parents because we needed help with our two very young children. What we thought would be help, has been more work than we could have possibly imagined. My MIL is constantly criticizing everything I do as a parent. She watches my every move, makes notes, and then emails DH with a report on all the things I have done that she finds unacceptable (DS not dressed warmly enough, not wearing socks in the house, eating while standing up, etc.). She will even research something on the web that I have done as proof that I'm wrong and send it to him. At first DH would share these with me, but now he tries to protect my from the criticism and doesn't tell me about them. This is both good and bad because now he holds all of this, plus his incredibly demanding job, and the enormous challenge of helping me raise two children on his very full plate. I also work FT and we are both doing the absolute best we can for our wonderful children. We consider two happy healthy sleeping babies at the end of the day success.

We are already in counseling and that has been very good for us.. but my MIL is taking a severe toll on my mental health and I'm really worried about its impact on our future. Do we cut them out of our lives or ignore the criticism? Anyone else BTDT?

Help!

[Anonymous]

Wow, I would cut MIL off or spend a lot less time with her. What a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Don't let her ruin your marriage. That's your choice not hers. Outlie boundaries and tell her how much it hurts you to be criticized. She might think she's being helpful when really she's being toxic. Sorry op

[Anonymous]

"Mom, back off. My wife is a great mother and if you want to be a part of our lives you need to be supportive. Would you like for me to make you a laundry list of everything that was wrong with your parenting?"

[Anonymous]

I think I would do whatever it takes to reduce her involvement in my life. She's sounds like a sick puppy -- very toxic.

And yes, I do think someone can drive a wedge between two people.

[Anonymous]

My MIL recently accused me of regularly poisoning my husband and family bc I said it was ok to eat yogurt that was dated 3 days prior.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to tell his mom that he will no longer listen to her criticizing you, whether in emails, on the phone or in person. Then he must follow through. If she continues, you will have to severely limit her access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, back off. My wife is a great mother and if you want to be a part of our lives you need to be supportive. Would you like for me to make you a laundry list of everything that was wrong with your parenting?"

YES! Your husband needs to say this in person to your MIL. He needs to tell her to stop with the reports. It sounds like she has waaaay to much time on her hands and needs a project. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yes, MIL can ruin your marriage. Countless novels have been written about it. IRL, it is very hard because your DH usually has strong positive feelings about his mother and wants to treat you "equally" or "fairly." Some MILs really take advantage of this. Criticism of MIL falls on deaf ears. Yes, definitely try counselling. I hope it works for you.

[Anonymous]

The help you are getting from MIL is not worth the price. Rearrange your lives so that you no longer need her, then you can set boundaries. If you are constantly calling on her to do X, Y, and Z, you will never be able to be as firm as you need to be for boundaries to stick. So choose: pay for childcare or pay for marriage counseling, divorce attorneys and so on.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned that the reason you moved closer is because you needed help with the kids. Is she doing a lot of babysitting for you? For free? If so, you may need to start paying a different, non-relative babysitter. Sounds like her "help" comes with strings attached--the right to criticize everything you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to tell his mom that he will no longer listen to her criticizing you, whether in emails, on the phone or in person. Then he must follow through. If she continues, you will have to severely limit her access.

+1

I also echo PP that if your MIL is providing free childcare, especially if it's regular (i.e., not the occasional babysitting), you need to find an alternative.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the support. No, MIL does not provide any regular childcare. She helps out on occasion - maybe 5% of the time. I learned in the beginning that her help came with strings. Most of the time she visits or we see her I am with the children - hence the criticism. She has absolutely NO idea how difficult it can be and why I can't always sweat the small stuff. We are really just trying to survive each and every day!

[Anonymous]

It's up to your husband to let his mother know this will not be tolerated. Period.

[Anonymous]

OMG when I read your post I thought I wrote it and forgot.