Parenting - Just Like Mom?

[Anonymous]

I've often heard it said that people grow up to be just like their parents, especially when it comes to parenting styles. Do you think this is true? When I was younger I didn't like my mom much - she was not a warm and caring person at all. My worst nightmare is 10 years from now having some revelation that I turned into my mom without realizing it and that my daughter hates me. Is it enough that I'm aware that my mom made terrible mistakes and that I don't want to repeat them?

[Anonymous]

I think people go one of two ways -- they either mimic their parents or consciously rebel against them. I am consciously modeling my own parenting after the parenting I received, because my parents were loving, supportive, attentive, stable, etc. I grew up feeling valued, respected, and adored, and that is what I want for my own children.

One of my parents grew up in a much different environment and bent over backwards to parent differently because of it (and succeeded). I think if you are aware that you don't want to repeat the past, you won't do it.

[Anonymous]

I am always happy when my husband tells me that I am sounding like my mother. I so want to be the type of Mom she was.

[Anonymous]

I'm doing the conscious rebellion thing. Not that my parents didn't have some good strategies. I'll probably lift their lessons on financial responsibility (how to manage an allowance, etc), for example. But they were also really into children-should-be-see-and-not-heard type parenting, not to mention the corporal punishment. If I ever hit my child, I think I'll have to jump off a bridge, I was so traumatized by my parents' approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people go one of two ways -- they either mimic their parents or consciously rebel against them. I am consciously modeling my own parenting after the parenting I received, because my parents were loving, supportive, attentive, stable, etc. I grew up feeling valued, respected, and adored, and that is what I want for my own children.

One of my parents grew up in a much different environment and bent over backwards to parent differently because of it (and succeeded). I think if you are aware that you don't want to repeat the past, you won't do it.

PP, you're so lucky to have had that experience. My parents did the best they could but I don't feel like I can look to their example in many things. I hope I'm successfully combining the good things I got from them with the better things I figured out on my own but I don't like this feeling of doubt I carry around with me.

[Anonymous]

OP-- your worst nightmare is my worst nightmare too. I find that my best chance of being different is to make myself smile even when I don't want to. Seriously, I am not an "up with people" kind of woman at all, but I find that if I just let myself laugh at one silly thing that my child does in the morning, it sets the tone for being different than my own mom. I've also broken down what I disliked into concrete things:

--judgmental
--overprotective
--conditions love on submission/dependence
--narcissistic (it's all about mommy)

The things that I do to be different:
--let my child wear whatever she wants and have whatever haircut she wants
--don't steer her toward an activity (like ballet) or playmate she doesn't want
--let her play independently and try new things
--welcome affection and closeness, but support her desires to meet other new friends and go her own way
--ask myself, when making decisions, whether something is really necessary for her wellbeing or just something about me

At the end of a day where I avoid the former and do the latter, I feel pretty good.

Plus I think that if you're someone who had a tough time with your mother, you know in your heart that you wouldn't hurt your child as you were hurt.

[Anonymous]

PP has put a lot of thought into how she wants to be different from her mother; very impressive. I too feel like I want to be a different parent than my parents (mine were well-intentioned but not great, let's just say). I think I will try to do the same exercise -- what you didn't/don't like, what you will do differently.

Awareness is more than half the battle, I think. What I have going for me, I think, is that I'm a dozen years older than my mother was when she had her first child, and I feel like my understanding of human behavior, my patience, and my ability to balance it all (largely due to higher income/more support and help) is greater than hers was. I know that doesn't sound very nice, but whenever I worry I waited too long to conceive, I remember that.

[Anonymous]

Do you know what's weird? I don't think my own mother ever had any of these internal conversations, let alone discussions with her friends. Why, I wonder.

Her parenting style was identical to her own father's (judging, harsh, distant and yet somehow educational). She reported more than once that she didn't like the way he treated her, and yet, there she was 25 years later, raising me the same way.

Anybody else have this going on in their families?

[Anonymous]

My mother is as mean as a junkyard dog. i promised myself I would never treat my own family they way she treated hers. I have slipped though (mostly when tired) and said things I wish I could take back. I also find I am not as loving or kind toward those outside of my family as I always imagined i would be when i was growing up. Hence the occassional "nasty" comment on DCUM. (I swear it's only occassional.) I think my mother's generation didn't do the same kind of "navel gazing" that mine does or maybe she's just not naturally self reflective, but I don't think she's spent a split second feeling any regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know what's weird? I don't think my own mother ever had any of these internal conversations, let alone discussions with her friends. Why, I wonder.

Her parenting style was identical to her own father's (judging, harsh, distant and yet somehow educational). She reported more than once that she didn't like the way he treated her, and yet, there she was 25 years later, raising me the same way.

Anybody else have this going on in their families?

Yes, OP here. My mom complained often about how her dad treated her. She was really, really bitter about it and yet, treated her own children pretty crappy. This is what I would like to avoid. When we were younger she was extremely controlling, judgmental, would only support us if we did exactly what she wanted, would embarrass us on purpose in front of others - from childhood through our 20's.

At least my mom and I get along now, she has become much warmer as she has gotten older and has expressed regret for "how she was." I think I'm learning to forgive her and have even been able to drum up some sympathy for her. Maybe that is part of the solution. I just always have this nagging feeling that when I'm under stress as a parent I will without realizing it, act like my mom because I was exposed to her behaviors for such a long time before I even realized it was not healthy or normal.

[Anonymous]

I

think people go one of two ways -- they either mimic their parents or consciously rebel against them. I am consciously modeling my own parenting after the parenting I received, because my parents were loving, supportive, attentive, stable, etc. I grew up feeling valued, respected, and adored, and that is what I want for my own children.

Wow 11:44 poster - that is an amazing statement. I can only hope my DDs will say that about me/us when they're older. How/what did your parents do it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awareness is more than half the battle, I think. What I have going for me, I think, is that I'm a dozen years older than my mother was when she had her first child, and I feel like my understanding of human behavior, my patience, and my ability to balance it all (largely due to higher income/more support and help) is greater than hers was. I know that doesn't sound very nice, but whenever I worry I waited too long to conceive, I remember that.

Good point. I've also had probably a good 8 or 10 years more therapy than my mom plus lots of 12-step meetings. In my parents' generation, you didn't go to therapists and you certainly never went to rehab!

[Anonymous]

Wow 11:44 poster - that is an amazing statement. I can only hope my DDs will say that about me/us when they're older. How/what did your parents do it??

11:44 here. I have tried to think what they did and I think it boils down to the fact that they were very demonstrative and affectionate, spent lots of time with me, and listened to me. I don't know, they just made me feel like they liked me and enjoyed me! I am especially grateful for my good relationship with my dad. I really think it's the reason I always had pretty high self-esteem and the reason I dated nice guys (and married a great guy). I am pretty enough but definitely nothing special, but I wound up with great boyfriends who always treated me really well -- thanks, Dad!

I feel really lucky to have had such great parents.

One thing that I hope that I won't repeat -- my dad grew up with so little and worked since he was a boy and went a little overboard spoiling me. I've never had financial problems (never bounced a check, never had credit card debt, etc.) but I have also never learned how to save money. I hope I can teach my children better financial responsibility than I have.

[Anonymous]

I think I would have been bound towards following in my mother's footsteps - narcissistic, overbearing, controlling, belittiling - had it not been for my MIL. Seeing my MIL and her four kids (DH included) has given me such a completely different perspective and I strive to raise my kids as her four have grown to become. Side One - me and my brother: I have such animosity towards my mom it's hard to control. My brother is 34 and still living in their basement. Side Two - my DH and his siblings. They've all gone to college and have done exceptionally well in their lives and careers (well, except for the one arrogant BIL who got divorced two years after marrying, but that's a different story). Now that I have two children I see my mother's behavior even more starkly (she lives three miles down the road and sees her grandkids for maybe an hour every three weeks or so; she never picks up her grandson from pre-school and has a playdate with him, etc.) and I vow every day not to turn out like that. Don't get me wrong, she loves her family very much, she's just hellbent on controlling everything (and she's always always right). She gives materials items and money as her way of showing love, which just disgusts me. I'm glad she's moving to Florida with my dad, I think they'll be better grandparents from a distance, and I'll be a better daughter consequently too.

[Anonymous]

very thoughtful comments, 19:41, and moving