husband having troubs performing under pressure!

[Anonymous]

ok -- so we've been TTC for four months.... I'm having issue ovulating and this month -- HEY, seem to have some signs that it's going to happen so time to get to work... right?? DH is now having some uh, performance issues completing his end of the assignment. We tried to get to work this morning on our project here and he couldn't finish up - just too worried about the time constraint of getting to work (i had to be at work for a mtg first thing) or whatever. I ended up in tears and he ended up feeling like a schmoe..

Anyone have a solution to help encourage successful completion??

[Anonymous]

Don't let him know when he "needs" to perform. It was always more fun and less pressure if my husband didn't realize that it was ovulation day. Keep it your secret.

[Anonymous]

so i should have been dancing around waving the OPK stick in the saying, Cmon -- now's our chance??

ugh.. i'm not good with secrets... but you are probably right....

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with 16:49, don't tell him you are ovulating (b/c that's too much pressure to perform for him) and let him think that he is the one who initiated it not you, that way he feels like "he is the man". Sounds stupid but it works.

[Anonymous]

Yes - ditto the previous posters - don't tell him! MY DH still talks about "what I put him through" with DD2 - we laugh now.

[Anonymous]

OP here - ugh - ok, i'll try!!

THANKS!!!

[Anonymous]

You know, your post just made me realize...
We were trying and trying and trying forever and then I had this big project come along where I said "I need to forget trying this month" and really DID forget about it. Then even though I realized it was ovulation time out of habit, I didn't tell my husband. I just had a good time and relieved all that project stress...no trying just fun.

I'm 6 months pregnant this Monday!

[Anonymous]

We struggled to conceive for months and then my OB suggested that I stop sharing every little detail with my husband. He told me to continue to chart and use the OPK but not to do either in front of my husband. He also suggested that I initiate things just for fun and to keep up the pace (frequency) for a few weeks (ie: so don't just initiate when you are ovulating). He went on and on about how even if a man can perform, the quality -- not quantity, but quality -- of the sperm can be affected by stress. The first month I took his advice I got pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I hear what the PPs are saying, but....
Why should all of the stress be on the woman? TTCing can be stressful, and it can be nice to have someone to share it with, and in all likelihood the person you're going to want to share it with is your husband. So now you're telling her she can't share? That she's supposed to be sneaking around to take her temperature and pee on a stick every morning so that she doesn't stress her husband? Give me a break. TTCing should NOT be only the woman's responsibility. How about our stress in needing to perform at certain times?
Sorry for the rant, but OP know that it's NOT your responsibility to take this all on yourself. Parenting is a group effort, and TTCing should be, too. If you want/need to share because it will help you, do it. If you're just sharing for the sake of sharing, then fine, maybe try keeping him in the dark. But you don't need to take on the weight of TTCing yourself.

[Anonymous]

PP - agree you should be able to discuss everything and share stress...but hard to argue with results, especially when they are the ones you want. The stress of TTC is felt on both and can have worsening effects on both partners - best at some point to try for the fun of trying as much as you can. The decreased stress of performance can work wonders.

[Anonymous]

One of the PP's here who recommended not telling the husband. It took a loooooooooooong time for DH and to conceive each of our children. I shared lots with him and he was my rock through it all. However, realizing how important his success was on ovulation day, I just found out that it worked better for everyone involved, myself included, if he didn't know what the big day was. In fact, I have to say it made it more fun.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks so much everyone for the insight - I am a sharer and have a REALLY hard time not sharing the details with DH - we've known each and been friends for years -- started dating about 14 years ago and have been married 10 this month so really, all of my adult life (I'm 35) we've been together and shared in "growing up" really.

HOWEVER-- this morn I got ANOTHER positive OPK (don't get me started - I had two postives in a row last week, slight rise in temp, then a negative OPK a day or so later, stopped testing for a day and then this morning when I saw my temp dipped down a bit, tested OPK and got positive... ARGH!) so I initiated -- just in case this LH surge was for real --- but didn't tell him why.... he did much bettter (still took him awhile -- but I blame that on waking him up WAY before his alarm!!).

Anyway - yes, it's hard on both parties -- but I can more or less fake thru my part if need be.. he really can't so any help he can get is much appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Porn is a great help here.

[Anonymous]

ah -- see now that's the help i'm sure my DH would like to have!!

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp whose OB suggested not telling my husband. He also recommended that I use the OPK twice a day -- one first thing in the morning, and again in late afternoon (before heading home from the office). This way, I would increase my window of opportunity. Again, once I took his advice, I got pregnant.

To the pp who asked why the woman should carry the burden of stress -- my OB would say it's b/c women really are the stronger sex.


Best of luck to you.