My 7 YO DS is a Horrible Loser
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Help. He's a second child, so always playing catch-up; intense personality; very competitive. Mom and Dad both HS/College athletes so we're certainly not non-competitive. I believe competition can be healthy and sports can teach many things but we definately have a problem on our hands and I'm looking for practical suggestions.
DS throws a fit and gets nasty about almost any loss. I.e.--If I beat him at checkers, he'll throw a mini-tantrum. He can handle losses to older kids fine but where he expects to win and doesn't, he's likely to lose his cool in some way. I've tried the following: before we play a game, I ask him if I need to let him win (so that he's not kidding himself that he wins all the time); I quit when he starts to act badly; ignore the tantrums. I've recently added a positive reinforcement program to the mix (every time you lose gracefully you earn a star-- 5 stars= a treat). My hope is even if he let's me win to earn a treat it would be contrived practice at appropriate behavior. We also looked up how many loses Michael Jordan had over his career and talked about that--losing is part of all sports even for the best athletes in the world etc. etc. What else can I be doing? Any great books on this topic? Anyone else had success turning this around. We're making progress but S L O W L Y. |
Anonymous
| I'm not sure you should discuss with him that you are letting him win. I also don't think it is bad to let him win a few times when he has played very well and just makes a slight strategy mistake. You say you are competitive--but are you competitive with DS? Because, wow, that must be pretty crushing to have to compete against competitive adults. It may be that he just feels, rightly so, that he can't win, ever, without you telling him that you're letting him win. |
Anonymous
| He's ten yrs old and this is way over the age when parents let him win. Does he gloat when he wins, if so, be is just a bad sport. Time he learned to both win and lose graciously. |
Anonymous
|
Eh? He's 7 years old? And you're calling your own son a 'horrible loser'? And you're posting on the Older Kids and Teenagers forum?
Or is he 10 years old? Either way, I think it's awful that you even think of your DS as a loser. Back off and don't play games with him. And try to find aspects of his personality that you can love and nurture so you stop focusing on the negative. |
Anonymous
| Are you also playing games where he has more of a chance to win honestly? Our kids enjoy the challenge of playing against adults in games they are still likely to lose (e.g. chess) but we also play a number of games where they have as good a chance to win as we do. That allows them the chance to feel real accomplishment. |
Anonymous
You misunderstand OP. she meant (I assume) that he is a horrible sport when he loses. She isn't calling her son a loser. |
Anonymous
Ah ... horrible at losing! Not a horrible loser! Ha ha ... Still, I think she should let it go for a 7 year old. They're still pretty immature at that age. Do something that lets him experience success, not focusing on what he can't cope with yet. |
Anonymous
| My kid is 8 and is a sore loser too. I remember being the same way as a kid, even at older than 8. I hated being like that, but physically could not stop myself. I always wonder if I could have been better about losing if my parents somehow squashed this behavior early on. But other times I think it is just part of your personality and not much to be done about it. I am fine now as an adult (mostly!). |
Anonymous
|
It's a process.
1. He should have to play with younger kids and "let" them win. So he get the concept. 7 may be young for this but he should be able to do this pretty well by 10. 2. He should also play with older friends/cousins etc because he will hold his emotions better for them - but also you may want to say to the older kid that he is not good at losing and you are working on it so they are prepared. 3. I had a rule at 7 - you can cry but you have to wait until you get to the car. For the house - if you are going to lose it - go to your room first. 4. My kids tend to say "he cheated" when they lose or say "the referee was terrible". While this is a hard one I am very strict about not blaming the referee. I say there is no such thing as a perfect game refs miss calls period - it is part of the game. As you get older - there is cheating, etc. I say you can't lower yourself to their level. 5. Not wanting to lose and getting emotional is normal for some/most and it is good to be competitive but not good to be a butt head. So I always say "you know that feeling you have in your chest, it's a normal feeling, now what you do with that feeling is the only thing you can control." This is not possible at 7 but very possible at 13 so they need to learn this and it is a process. I have a rule that my son and H can't talk about a game for a minimum of 30 minutes after the game is over if it is a hard lose - like the championship or something like that. Even at 7 a championship is a big deal. I also have 1 that I wish cared just a little. 
|
Anonymous
| My DS was like that around the same age. We had the rule that whoever lost the game had to shake the winner's hand and say "good game". We still laugh about how he would reluctantly mutter it! But, it did seem to help him. He also knew that we would refuse to play certain games with him because of how upset he'd get if he lost. Eventually, things turned around. It also helped to have him play a team sport, where they had to shake the opponent's hand after games. |
Anonymous
|
Try the game quoridor. My son could beat me for real by the time he was nine (as long as I didn't concentrate my hardest). He was also better than me at connect 4
It was really fun to have some games my sore loser could succeed at. Fun for us both. |
Anonymous
| Didn't read the responses. From about age seven to maybe nine, we saw this in our son. We called it poor sport behavior. Initially, we would tell him he was being a poor sport. Once he understood what it meant to be a poor sport, we'd call him out and then give him an appropriate reaction. We never went the route of letting him win. Our attitude was always that it's ok to be disappointed, but not be a sore loser. He is now 14 and a really good sport. He appreciates the skills of those that won and can critique his own performance and make a plan to improve it. |
Anonymous
| Try some board games that require team effort. Amazon has quite a few. |
Anonymous
| Cut out competitive games within a family. |
Anonymous
|
I think you need to get more specific in your instruction of what a poor loser is. Granted, my DD is 5, so 2 years younger than your DS, but before a game, during a game, and after a game, we go over, "And if you lose a game, do you make yucky faces?" ("NO!!!!") "And, do you say yucky words?" ("NO!!!!") "Do you may grumpy sounds?" ("NOO!!") "And why not?" ("Because it's just a game.") (And why else?) "Because we are friends.") And what do you say at the end of the game, if you win or if you lose?" ("Good game.") "That's right, we say, 'Good game,' b/c it was a fun game and it's just about having fun."
Again, I realize your son is older than this so maybe you can adjust this to a bit older point of view, but my DD just turned 5, and this is what we've been doign with her for, oh, I guess about a year now now, and she pretty much gets it. Good luck. I think teaching good sportsmanship is very important. |