Filthy hoarding relatives and visiting them for the holidays

[Anonymous]

Title says it all. Not at the level of Hoarders but pretty bad. They need to throw crap out, throw crap out, throw crap out... Dust and vacuum and throw crap out, throw... And people who live like this should not have pets. None.

I don't mind my in-laws who won't let us into the house... Although I'm afraid what we're going to find once they let us in.

I hate the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Why would you go?

[Anonymous]

Instead of bitching and complaining, why dont you see if they would accept your HELP? Seriously, those shows kill me, everybody stays the hell away and dont do nothing, just waits for it to get even worse and then complains about it. WTF you arent living there, they do. if you cant deal with it, dont visit

[Anonymous]

Is there a nearby hotel where you can stay for the duration of the visit? You can make up an excuse to explain why.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, my MIL used to be like this. She died several years ago, and we ended up moving about the same time--so luckily we don't have to deal with it anymore. But it was just gross. Especially when you have little ones who don't know not to put EVERYTHING in their mouths, you know?

And of course, she was the type that would get all offended if you didn't want to sleep in their house (got pissed off the time we came up and got a hotel room instead) or eat every meal in their house (told us we were CRAZY when we wanted to go out for coffee )...or basically do anything but sit with them in their filthy house for 3 days straight. My inlaws lived in a town that was about 1 hour drive from a very popular city--lots of fun touristy things to do....about 1/2 hour in the other direction was the small town where I had gone to college--- and was about 700 miles from where we lived--so there was plenty of incentive for us to go out and do things/visit things. But we were yelled and screamed at if we wanted to leave the house for a couple hours. Unreal.

By the time MIL died she had 14 cats, 2 dogs, plus various other outdoor animals (horses, goats, sheep). It was just vile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of bitching and complaining, why dont you see if they would accept your HELP? Seriously, those shows kill me, everybody stays the hell away and dont do nothing, just waits for it to get even worse and then complains about it. WTF you arent living there, they do. if you cant deal with it, dont visit

I'm not the OP, but another PP who posted about hoarding inlaws.

It's not your property, you can't do anything about it. These people don't want help. They WANT to keep all this stuff. They WANT to have all these animals. If you suggest throwing anything out, they yell and scream and get combative. Until it actually reaches the state that you see on shows like Hoarders, it's not "illegal." It's gross, and not a way that normal people would want to live, but you can't force someone not to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of bitching and complaining, why dont you see if they would accept your HELP? Seriously, those shows kill me, everybody stays the hell away and dont do nothing, just waits for it to get even worse and then complains about it. WTF you arent living there, they do. if you cant deal with it, dont visit

Yeah, sorry, I don't think you get that this is a mental illness. It's not a matter of helping out some overwhelmed relative. It's a sickness. They will hang on to the most disgusting crap and see you as the enemy when you try to help them clear it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a nearby hotel where you can stay for the duration of the visit? You can make up an excuse to explain why.

+1

We used to do this for DH's smoking relatives. They would smoke outside while we visited, but the entire house reeked of smoke.

DH just said his allergies couldn't handle it. We spend a few hours then relax back at the hotel...much happier visits.

[Anonymous]

13:06 and 13:14 have it right. I have a relative like this. When my sister or I try to help it is NOT appreciated. We stay at a Hotel and meet up in restaurants or tourist traps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of bitching and complaining, why dont you see if they would accept your HELP? Seriously, those shows kill me, everybody stays the hell away and dont do nothing, just waits for it to get even worse and then complains about it. WTF you arent living there, they do. if you cant deal with it, dont visit

Yeah, sorry, I don't think you get that this is a mental illness. It's not a matter of helping out some overwhelmed relative. It's a sickness. They will hang on to the most disgusting crap and see you as the enemy when you try to help them clear it out.

Well said. You cannot force an adult to get help and expressing concern sweetly and offering to pay for help do not solve the problem magically. Think of someone with drug or alcohol addiction. You can be as helpful and caring as you want, but unless they want help and are truly motivated to get better you can wind up turning into an enabler.

I would stay at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Staying at a hotel is hard the first time because IL's were offended. After a while it just became the new normal..

[Anonymous]

OP,

Stay in a hotel. Good luck.

(You can't help these folks. I've got relatives like this ... one of my best friends has a mother who is over the top.)

[Anonymous]

Stay at a hotel. Mention something about allergies and dog dander, etc. Say that it's a new affliction... allergies can suddenly develop. You really have to do this. You won't be comfortable there. Sleeping in a gross bedroom with nasty sheets and everything covered in dust is not an option, not to mention using their gross bathroom and eating food prepared in unsanitary conditions.

I'll say it one more time: gross. Bite the bullet and stay at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying at a hotel is hard the first time because IL's were offended. After a while it just became the new normal..

I'm glad to hear this because we'll be staying in a hotel this year with a newborn, and it isn't going over well with my parents (whose house is the problem).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying at a hotel is hard the first time because IL's were offended. After a while it just became the new normal..

This is what we do too. My MIL was really disappointed but she knows I'm not going to back down on this. There is no way we would stay there, not now that we have a toddler.