Dealing with my mother's depression/anxiety

[Anonymous]

I am turning to the DCUM list b/c I'm so frustrated. My mother is 58 and hit a rough patch this year. She was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder about 8 months ago after a brief hospital stay in which she thought she was dying from a heart attack. In the past 8 months, I have seen her a few times ( she lives in Ohio ), and each time I'm more concerned. She seems to be in denial and is trying very hard to find a physical ailment for what the problem is, even though her doctor has prescribed several different anti-depressants and after exhausting a lot of testing, finds nothing physically wrong with her. They have switched her drugs multiple times due to her constant complaining that they don't work for her. It is frustrating because I see her mental health declining and her patience level is extremely low. She has snapped multiple times at my daughter - 18 mths and I won't leave her alone with her. Fortunately, she does not live close and I don't have to worry about this often. It has gotten so bad that while we're at home for Christmas, we're staying at a hotel partly because I don't really want my daughter around her more than necessary. I have not had any friends with this type of experience and wonder if there are books to read/ resources to turn to and ways to lessen my frustration. I can't help but take some of it out on my mom, she's frustrating to speak to. She doesn't do anything her doctor has suggested - and she's lost about 70 pounds, which is good but also bad since it wasn't done the proper way and only because she's too tired to eat. It is making me nuts. Any suggestions on how to deal?

[Anonymous]

Is your mother on her own in Ohio? Any family members or good friends out there with her? Does she live in a house, condo, retirement home?

[Anonymous]

OP here : she is not alone - she has my step dad ( who thinks that mental health issues are a bunch of nonsense ) but lots of supportive friends. She sees my sister about once a month too.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom about the Midwest Center for Stress & Anxiety. www.stresscenter.com. I was a sufferer for many years, & it very real! Anyone who dismisses it as non-sense is not what your mother needs

I found this program very helpful. I've seen info-mercials for this, too.

Good luck to you & your mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom never had this level of anxiety but she certainly suffered from a good deal of it over the years. You are dealing with some practical issues which I didn't face but I can share with you how I was able to finally emotionally disengage from my mom's anxiety.

I attended Al-Anon when I was in grad school. My dad, the alcoholic, was in recovery so drinking was not an issue at that time but I had a lot of personal issues to confront that are typical of adult children of alcoholics. I kept wanting my mom to go to Al-Anon and face up to her co-dependency but I could never convince her to go. So at some point I decided to think of her as the alcoholic and work at detaching myself from her problems and learn to accept that she would never listen to me and I could not control her behavior.

It took a few years but eventually I was able to accept that I couldn't change her and my relationship with her before she died was pretty good. (It's not as hard to accommodate an anxious person when you are able to see them as separate from you.) But it was quite a struggle to let go for a long time.

Don't know if this will help. My particular circumstances (being able to rely on Al-Anon) made the difference for me. Good luck, OP! This sounds very hard but it sounds like you're heading in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Has she been tested for a hyperthyroid? Also, not to downplay your take on her since you know her and I don't, but they have discovered that many women who go to the hospital saying they are having a heart attack end up being treated for anxiety, when they actually ARE having heart attacks. Their symptoms are just different from symptoms of men having heart attacks.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I have a father who is a 68 year bipolar (and psychiatrist!) at that. He has always been a handful. And lives close by, and expects to see me and my family every weekend. It is very stressful. I like the Al-Anon PP as it makes sense about separating yourself from the problems of your parent. You may feel better though to try and get her some help. Ultimately, I love my Dad (still alive) and want the best for him, but have had to set certain limits, e.g., we cannot see him every weekend b/c we need time as a family to catch up and unwind from week, we limit the time we do spend with him and to a place/event that works for the kids, we try and tell him (carefully) how his behavior impacts us when he's down, etc. But its very hard, and draining.

You in ways I think are much better off living farther away. For this reason my DH and I have discussed moving out of state just to get away from the intense stress of my father.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I work in the neurological field, and I wonder if I may be so bold as to recommend you get a neurological consult just to rule out any medical factors that may be causing this behavior change. A good neuropsychological evaluation can tease the two apart fairly easily, and give the family the best options for treatment. It certainly may all be mental health issues, but if it is neurological in nature, it is always best to catch it early. Good luck with this very difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

I have a parent with borderline personality disorder and the book "stop walking on eggshells" was a very helpful and quick read. You are dealing with a separate but somewhat similar issue and you might find the book worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

My mother suffered from depression and anxiety in her 50's and early 60's. She lives on the other side of the world to me, and in all honesty, that was a good thing. Sometimes close family are not the best people to help - too involved, etc. I can't give you any help, but perhaps some hope. I'm not sure why, but she seems to be coming through it. She seems to be much happier and 'with it' now (I don't think the anti-depressant drugs were good for her). My sisters and I were very involved with it all for many years, and then (especially as our lives became busier with children) we emotionally removed ourselves - the manipulation she employed was unbearable. Once she realized she no longer had that effect on us, she was less difficult around us. Of course, all situations are different, but I wish you & her well.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'd like to thank everyone for their suggestions. One thing that seems to be recurrent is the need to distance myself emotionally. I agree completely, but it is so hard to do. Her guilt trips are tremendous, she practically cries if I don't let her talk to her granddaughter every day ( I mean, honestly, an 18 mth old doesn't 'talk' much on the phone ). She then acts like I've deeply offended her and 'made her worse' if I don't have the time to chat EVERY day for 20 minutes or so. I just don't have that much to say each day. Not that much changes! I see the need to remove myself but don't really understand how to do it. Perhaps a therapist for myself would make sense. Somehow, my younger sister has had a far easier time than I in creating a bit of a barrier for herself. Anyway, thanks to all.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP! We're rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

OP,

I guess there are a few things going on here. First of all, is she getting any cognitive therapy or is she just taking meds? It is a lot more difficult to make improvements without the cognitive therapy component. So that may be one thing to discuss with her.

Second, it sounds like you need to try to figure out whether she is depressed or has a personality disorder. Setting firm boundaries and distancing yourself from someone with a personality disorder is highly appropriate; that is not necessarily true for people with depression and anxiety. My MIL is borderline and has the same type of emotional neediness and unrealistic demands as your mom. Has she been like this her whole life or is it new?

[Anonymous]

8:58 poster is right on. I am the same age as your Mom and am coming out of the fog. I went to a psychiatrist (something I NEVER thought I would do). I am now on Mood Stabalizing medication and myself and everyone who loves me is doing better.

An interest observation I made in this process: If it is so taboo to go to a psychiatrist, why are they so busy? Just a thought. It took me months to even get an appointment. Maybe address your Mom's concerns about the social stigma ( You never hear someone say they are going to a psychiatrist appointment....it's always the dentist ). However, someone is keeping these folks very busy!