And I’ll bet the kids have way more fun on vacation with Dad than they do on their carefully curated and controlled educational trips with their uptight mom… |
Why would I do that? He makes a lot and we save a lot and my 50% of our assets will be plenty. Also, we aren't getting divorced. I know people will say I "can't" know that but I do. For religious/familial reasons. And like I said, if I'm wrong, 50% of the assets is fine. |
If you do all that, and you're not a sahm, then your dh is a pos. Actually, he should be involved in the iep and tutoring, in any case. |
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And then there are your kids, who hear your spiteful arguments about who "has" to deal with them today.
Start a therapy coin jar now. |
Who is arguing about this in front of their kids? Also, a lot of this is not about spending time with kids. It's about doing the work that goes into keeping the house running. If a child overhears his mom telling his dad "I need you to step up and help with getting the kids ready for school this year, including registering and going to the teacher meet and greet and getting supplies and updating uniforms," that's a GOOD thing for a child to hear. They are learning that there is more to having kids than just chatting with them at dinner, and also that their mother expects their father to be an equal partner in that work. Now, if the dad's response is "uuuuuugh, I hate that stuff. You're so much better at it. Can you do it?" Well, that's going to communicate something pretty depressing to the kids. But the problem there is not that mom asked her husband to do more. It's that he does not value his kids enough to do it. |
Actually, what they’re learning from the bolded is that this stuff really *is* Mom’s domain, which is why SHE is the one in charge and delegating tasks to her underling, their Dad. This dynamic is what eventually leads to all the complaints about language involving Dad “helping out” with raising his own kids. |
Of course Dad can have fun when he neglects basic everything. Then mom can put it all back together with nutritious meals, haircuts, treating rashes/burns/chapped skin, doing the laundry. THAT is “Dad Privilege,” precisely! |
Lets see. He has been asleep/hiding all morning while I took DS to breakfast, picked up birthday gifts, organized a social event for later today, and picked up some groceries. In an hour DS and I will go out again to buy summer clothes, replace a broken appliance, and see a friend. Then I will oversee homework and make dinner. Yea in between that I post on DCUM which is probably a terrible hobby but honestly I’m so exhausted that it becomes the easiest way to take a break. |
Then what do you suggest a woman whose partner DOES NOT do this stuff without being asked/forced to, do? The only way this changes is if men actually start doing more of this. But look at this thread. It's a bunch of men claiming they already do and the list is misogynist (despite study after study showing that women do far more childcare and housework than men and have less leisure time), women claiming their husbands already do all this (again, despite ample evidence that this is not the norm). and then both groups claiming that IF there are marriages where the woman is doing a lot more than the man, it's probably her fault anyway for either picking the wrong man or failing to properly delegate/invite him to help/ask in the right way/bing to controlling/etc. No matter what, it is never, ever the man's fault that his wife is doing 70-100% of the chilcare/housework related tasks. So what motive do men have to actually change their ways? People will bend over backwards to blame their wives anyway. And now a woman who speaks up and says "you need to do this" is damaging her kids, either by making it sound like she doesn't love every minute of unpaid labor she does on behalf of her family, or reinforcing the idea that this is her job and her husband is just a "helper." So, what is the solution? |
Yeah, this one made me laugh because when I read "I wonder what your husbands are doing that you don't see while you sit around complaining on DCUM," I looked up and saw my DH leaning against the counter playing a game on his phone, a sight I see about 100x a day. I mean I'll let you know if it turns out he's actually shopping for school clothes or booking a cat sitter or ordering a replacement filter for the fridge or researching plumbers to fix the leak in the bathroom or making a list of cleaning tasks we need to complete this weekend or meal planning. But somehow I don't think so (his phone is turned to landscape, that's how I know). |
OMG you are SUCH an insufferable martyr! No wonder he is hiding from you. Your poor kid. |
If you got divorced tomorrow you’d have to find a job and a place to live. If he’s really affluent then yes maybe you can replace your lifestyle with assets alone (because alimony is limited these days) but most people are not that affluent. The way women really get screwed is this scenario: - quit work at 32 because it becomes clear that DH just cannot pick up slack and “he outearns me so it makes sense for me to stay home” - DH builds up jt assets of maybe 1 mil (including marital home) - divorce at 45 with 2-3 tweens/teens still at home - You get 500k which is not enough to come close to buying a home in a good school district for 3 kids - you are in your mid-40s with a huge resume gap. Congrats, now you live in a crappy condo in a bad school district and earn 75k/year at 46. |
Triggered, huh? Not sure what of what I listed there is being a “martyr” but I’m curious to hear it. I could also completely ignore my kid but I can’t really bring myself to do that. |
DROP.THE.ROPE. That’s what I suggest. Don’t pretend you’re his boss because you are absolutely not. Let some things go even if they cause some mild suffering for you/your kids in the short term (for instance, if your kid misses a dental cleaning I swear to God they’ll be ok!). Let DH see and experience the consequences of not doing anything rather than just telling him. And while you’re at it, keep an open mind to those things which really *don’t* lead to negative consequences if you just let them go, and then continue to let them go (ideal result being he does more of what matters while you expect less of what doesn’t). If your kids and family are truly suffering and your DH still just doesn’t care, then get a divorce. But this mommy martyr act serves NO ONE. |