12 Year old Having Issues With A Teacher, What Would You Do?

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old is butting heads with his Creative Writing Teacher. Here are some facts..... This is not his English class, it is an elective he is taking. My son is an honors student in advanced classes. The Creative Writing teacher has not taught this class before, he is a drama teacher and this is the first elective other than drama he has taught.

This is the issue - my son likes to write about his baby brother. Since the beginning of school the teacher has basically not let him write stories using his brother as the main character. This came to a head last night when my son came home from school very upset. The teacher told my son that my son's opinions were "flipped" and "babies cannot think". Aside from the fact the teacher just sounds like a jerk - his job is to teach creative writing, which last time I checked included needing an imagination. I want to call the teacher and ask what is going on and find out what the issue is. My son is adament I do not talk to the teacher. DH tells me "this is life" and to let it go.

My issue is not so much that the teacher seems like a jerk, there will be many more of those. My issue is that it is this guy's job to teach my child, not to stuff HIS opinions down my child's throat OR to tell my child that my child has bad opinions. This guy is a drama teacher which is great, but he is not a pediatrician - how the hell does he know is babies can think or not. Isn't that being creative?

Anyway, both son and DH do not want me to say anything but I think the guy is out of line and as a parent I should confront him. Would you go ahead and call, stop in, send a note? I can't really let it go. My son is a great kid, straight A student... One bad grade will not hurt anyone but a teacher making my kid feel like his opinions are stupid or "flipped" will hurt him.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm... hard to say without hearing also the teacher's side (I'm sure your son is a great kid but he is, well, 12). Is the teacher inexperienced in general or just not an English teacher? Is your son being asked to write in response to specific prompts, ie are there specific assignments that he's not following the teacher's criteria for, or is he just given free writing assignments? You know, the # of questions I have about the situation makes me think this -- you definitely should go in -- with your son -- for a sit-down with the teacher. Not to tell the teacher he's out of line but to sit and gather info. I would just sit quietly and take notes, ask questions in a polite manner. You may be totally right, the teacher may be unprofessionally inhibiting your child's creativity or not. Either way, I think you are right that you can't just ignore it. But I don't think heading in there like a vigilante helps your son, that's what he's objecting to -- at 12, he's developing a sense of personal agency himself. And/or there's more to the story that he doesn't want you to know. Sometimes 12 yos assert themselves in not particularly effective ways (I had a horribly sexist creepy science teacher in high school, and I was an honors student too -- I stopped doing work for his class after he kept using a pen to grade my papers that had the woman's clothes come off when he turned it upside down! -- and my behavior while understandable was not a clever choice, making it impossible for my parents later to complain about this man). Your son may have legit gripes and may also now have a chip on his shoulder or a confrontational attitude. Like I said, I don't have enough info about the whole sitch and maybe you don't either? HTH a former ms/hs English teacher

[Anonymous]

PP, thank you so much for the advice. I want to talk the teacher for many of the reasons you listed. I do feel there is more to the storey and I have no idea what the teacher will say. I am only hearing my son's side... I don't want to argue with DH but I don't see how a sit down with the teacher will hurt. My son and DH seem to think this is a horrible idea and will only cause problems. I don't understand what they are afraid of. This is school. It's not the military or some establishment we can't inquire about.

[Anonymous]

I am the mom of 3 grown kids. These situations are hard. You know as a Mom you have to teach your child to deal with difficult people. But what is the price? That is what you weigh. It seems like around the age of 12 some person in the wrong business (a teacher) feels a need to teach your child a lesson that he does not need to learn. I find these teachers to be "one size fits all" types and have no sense of different approaches for different kids. Having said that, you are dealing with a personality conflict. I would get him out of the class. There are still many weeks of school left and you are not going to effect a positive change on this teachers approach nor is your son going to become less frustrated. I would frame it to my child like .....oh well.....we got a lemon.....let's turn it into something positive. What else could he do during that period? Maybe help out in another section of the building (office aide) or do work in the library. Or maybe another elective. Unfortunately, these things come up and I think it is always good to show our kids how to turn a negative into a positive,

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the 11:07 poster again. I have to respectfully disagree with yanking your kid instantly from the class without figuring out what's going on. That sends your child the message that a)if you don't like something, cut and run and b)if you dislike a teacher I am going to make sure you don't have to take that class. Yikes for high school! Luckily for you, this is an elective and your child's still young so it's a perfect place for a learning opportunity. Either the teacher is a "one size fits all" type or he isn't. I think you don't know yet. But since it's a low stakes class like creative writing, you might want to err on the side of the old school "you can learn something from everyone" tack. My dad always used to say that to me about teachers and it sounds quite old fashioned now... but as parents, we want there to be good teachers, right? And really, we want there to be teachers of all sorts, since our kids are so different. Some progressive, some conservative, some traditional, some innovative. That way all of our kids will find a good match.

The NYT had an article recently that said one reason teachers these days leave the profession in droves is the parents, not the kids or testing or the administrative craziness (this was actually not true for me, fwiw). Some parents, in my experience, though, desperately wanted to believe that their 12-16 year olds were not actively engaged in either misbehavior, blowing off their work, whatever the oppositional behavior was at the time. Either that or they were very concerned about transcripts, more so than life lessons for their kid.

So, yes, it may be a personality conflict and you may very well need to find something constructive for your child to do with his time. Or you might want to consider that your child could have the opportunity to turn a negative situation around by changing one's attitude or behavior -- think what a great life lesson that would be. Obviously if the teacher is a pr*ck in the meeting and defensive it's probably not worth taking this path. Only you can tell -- and only you know your son well enough to make the call, with, as I said, more info.

[Anonymous]

From my experience, a sit down with the teacher is going to make a big deal out of the situation and that is why your husband and son don't want that to happen. Cut and run works because, I can assure you, you are putting yourself at risk for being a pain the ass mother. Make it all happy, happy, intervene in a positive fashion and no one gets hurt. I can't tell you how many times I went into this type of situation with an open mind and came away wishing I followed my instincts. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck......it's a duck. Your husband and you are both right. FWIW, I speak from 25 years of experience.

[Anonymous]

What if you had a conference with the teacher because you are concerned about your son's grade in this class? Don't open with what your son says about the teacher. Go in asking what the teacher is seeing in your son.

My mom was a teacher, and while she very rarely got involved, she did always draw out the WHOLE truth from me in preparation, warning me she did not want to hear a whole 'nother side to the story from my teacher. Maybe there's another side, maybe not.

But he sounds like a real dud if it's true what your son told you - - so books like Watership Down or Animal Farm are terrible examples of fiction because animals can't talk? C'mon!

[Anonymous]

If a) your son is doing well in all of his other classes, and b) your son isn't getting in any trouble that will extend beyond the semester, and c) your son doesn't want you to do anything about it...

You should honor your son's wishes and stay out.

Offer support and a good ear for his complaints. Let him feel free to complain to you without fear of you "overreacting."

The teacher may be terrible. The experience may be bad. Your son may also behave like someone you hardly recognize when in that room. You don't know.

[Anonymous]

As a teacher (although not of children) I can say that your son's issues with the teacher sound fishy. I find it hard to believe that a teacher (inexperienced or otherwise) would categorically disallow a certain subject matter or approach in a creative writing class. That said, when I teach writing, if I ask the students to write a letter and I get a story, that's not okay. I don't see the harm in talking to the teacher and saying, "My kid is frustrated in your class. I think he's not understanding the assignments/expectations." Then you're not accusing the teacher or undermining his authority. You're just helping your kid learn to communicate through a conflict.

[Anonymous]

PP again. Of course, if the guy IS a jerk, this will piss him off...

[Anonymous]

Can this wait to a Parent/ Teacher night type pf event? So you do not go in for just this alone buut it opens the door to a coversation.