I just want to cry

[Anonymous]

We're doing our first DE cycle after four years TTC and eight miscarriages. The donor got her period late so I've been on lupron for longer than normal. We drop down to the lower dose/add estrogen this weekend but the side effects of the lupron are killing me and I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. This morning I woke up at 5am to vomit. The migraine headaches have been constant for the last four days, I have hot flashes and insomnia and I'm totally exhausted and cranky. Plus, I thought we'd be doing R&T in October but we're now looking at mid-November, which just seems like an eternity. I've been on lupron since the end of September. All I want to do is hide in bed and cry but I have a major work thing tonight where I have to be social and on top of my game and I just don't know where I'm going to come up with whatever it's going to take to make that happen. I'm not even sure why I'm posting except that no one else except you guys can even possibly understand and I just sort of need a five minute pity party in order to face the day.

[Anonymous]

Deep breathe, you can do this, you have been doing this, people rarely acknowledge/ know the physical strength if treatment takes.... But you are strong emotionally and physically. Hang in there. Is there any way you can take today off r skip the work event?

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, no possible way to miss the work event. I have been taking it slow this morning though and will probably go in a little late since I have to stay late for the work thing anyway. I just can't stop crying right now. I mean, the tears just keep coming. My DH is going to refill my migraine meds and bring them to me at work today, which should help. (I ran out yesterday and my stupid insurance requires doctor approval for each refill.)

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you.... you are not alone, just know that people understand and are thinking of you. Crappy rainy weather doesn't help. Take the day if you can, or at least the morning. Long hot shower, cup of hot tea, comfy clothes. Massage your head and face this helps.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, pps. OP here. I'm starting to calm down. Had a small cup of coffee and two tylenol and the headache seems to be receding a bit for now. It'll get me through until DH can get the stronger meds. Shower is up next. That should help too.

I honestly don't know how we all do this, often for years on end. Just kind of mind boggling.

[Anonymous]

And thanks for the support. Astonishing how much it helps.

[Anonymous]

iF is a second job which costs you financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally. We are survivors just remember that. We may not be able to share our burdens and struggles with people and get support the way people with other illness/disabilities/losses do but that doesn't diminish what we go through and deal with. We are warriors and if I could I would come over and sit with you. I would lend you my dog, he is the best cuddler ever. Cry it out, long hot shower, favorite breakfast. Do not forget to eat! Vanilla milkshakes or something creamy, fatty and delicious is often great for headaches and tears. Let me know how you fair. today and tonight.

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry you are going through this.

It may be too late in your cycle, but have you talked to your RE about changing protocols? I always get antagonist/agonist confused so I'm not sure what the protocol I used is called, but after a couple days of absolutely horrible side effects with Lupron (incl. one my RE hadn't heard of before), he switched me to a protocol where I took Cetrotide late in the cycle to suppress ovulation.

Lupron is truly evil, and RE's give you basically no heads up for how horrible, life altering (even if temporarily) it can be.

If switching isn't possible, hang in there! You are not alone...

[Anonymous]

OP, wrapping my virtual internet arms around you in a big hug! I feel for you. You can get through this!! Have you shared how awful you are feeling with the Lupron to your nurse and doctor?

[Anonymous]

Big hug, OP. The entire TTC journey is just an ocean of tears for all of us. You are not alone, sweetie.

[Anonymous]

OP, taking Lupron for my frozen cycle made me more miserable than all the stims for the fresh. I'm so sorry, it sucks. I hope the success of your cycle wipes away all memory of these troubles.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, you can do it!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the support everyone. Just back from dinner. I was off my game a bit, but not too badly. I made it through and that's all there is to say. Half-way through dinner my BFF texted me that she got fired today and the only thing I cared about anymore was her. Thankfully she already had a job offer for a job that makes 50% more than what she's currently making, so she'll be all right. She's just dealing with the emotional fallout. We're both glad this day is over.

[Anonymous]

OP, I doubt if anyone else at your work event realized that you were a bit off your game, etc. Give yourself some credit for how much of a stud you are for getting through this!! Sorry to hear of your friend's layoff but so glad she is already onto another job.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't know if this will make you feel any better, but last week a friend of mine was in the exact same position as you: fully fed up and not very hopeful anymore. and this week she got a BFP. You just never know.