How do i deal with a changing daughter?

[Anonymous]

I am the father of a 14 year old who just entered HS. She is an only child and we have always been close. In fact, when she was younger, she could hardly wait to go out with me and run errands. Now, in the last few weeks, she wants to spend no time with me, resents it when I check up on her, and generally has zero interest in even throwing a ball around in the backyard. So is our relationship pretty much dead except for giving her money when she needs it? I feel like I have been sent out to pasture.

[Anonymous]

yes, sounds like 14.

[Anonymous]

Well, if the chips WERE down, she would show you how much you still mean to her. Good thing there's no crisis, though, and she can concentrate on... individuating, I guess.

I think we parents just need to accept that this is developmentally appropriate behavior, and probably mostly temporary, and that we just need to grow a thicker skin.

[Anonymous]

let's see, when she was younger you used to do things with her, that was when? when was the last time you talked to her and most importantly, when was the last time you listened to her? When kids are little they talk to us and they do not pay attention too much at how receptive we are. Conversations are also simple because their relationship with the world is much simpler. As kids grow, their relationship with the world startes getting more complicated, there are more layers that before were not there: friends, what do they think, how do they look etc. These things are harder to control and if there have not been a continuous and strong connection with your child that bond that you had with her when she was little, will get lost. Lost until she goes off to college and then her memories of a wonderful childhood will bring her back to you and you will have a wonderful young adult daughter wanting to chat with you again, that or maybe not.
My advise is to respect her distance but try to find out the things she likes, things she is interested in and listen to what she has to say. Maybe there are things you can do together like go to the movies, a trip or something.

[Anonymous]

As long as you don't suspect something like drug abuse or something equally nefarious, give her time; she'll come back to you.

At one point friend of mine's daughter (same age as yours) told her that only dad was allowed to come to her soccer games. She eventually relented. I think kids try to find their independence and are often heavy handed at it.

She still needs you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the father of a 14 year old who just entered HS. She is an only child and we have always been close. In fact, when she was younger, she could hardly wait to go out with me and run errands. Now, in the last few weeks, she wants to spend no time with me, resents it when I check up on her, and generally has zero interest in even throwing a ball around in the backyard. So is our relationship pretty much dead except for giving her money when she needs it? I feel like I have been sent out to pasture.

Tell her you'll give her money if you can take her to a no-cell-phone brunch this weekend. Tell her she's got to answer 20 questions at brunch (let her talk you down to 12 or 15).

[Anonymous]

keep in mind, too, that 14-yo girls are often freaked out by their changing bodies and feel a little bit weird around men during that time... make sure you give her lots of privacy and love, but don't treat her in a way that makes her uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

It will get better when she's 17/18 It's not abnormal, and it's not because of you. It's a 14 year old girl thing.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's 14.

I don't know who that awful child was who showed up in my house yesterday wearing my sweet boy's clothes, but he got my kid grounded.

[Anonymous]

Keep offering and trying to spend time together. Expect rejection, but don't let that keep you away. Every once in a while she will want to spend time and she'll appreciate knowing that you care, but probably won't show it often.

Oh, and 15 is WORSE. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with a changing daughter? By changing yourself. You will need to relate to her in different ways, your techniques will need to change. Don't worry though, it will pass. When she gets to 19, it'll all just be a blur.

[Anonymous]

Op, just remember that she's fighting with you or pushing you away because, developmentally, she has to make you less appealing. She loves you so much, and if those hormones never kicked in you'd find yourself with a 30-yr-old child someday. In other species it's the parent who kicks the offspring out of the nest - youre taking the hit for her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the father of a 14 year old who just entered HS. She is an only child and we have always been close. In fact, when she was younger, she could hardly wait to go out with me and run errands. Now, in the last few weeks, she wants to spend no time with me, resents it when I check up on her, and generally has zero interest in even throwing a ball around in the backyard. So is our relationship pretty much dead except for giving her money when she needs it? I feel like I have been sent out to pasture.

Tell her you'll give her money if you can take her to a no-cell-phone brunch this weekend. Tell her she's got to answer 20 questions at brunch (let her talk you down to 12 or 15).

Way to get her to resent you.

[Anonymous]

I woman I once worked with told me she made a point of watching her DDs favorite TV show with her every week. It would spark conversation about the characters that provided some insight to DDs world and thinking. Also, car rides when you're not face-to-face seem to be when teens are most talkative (if you can stop them from texting)

[Anonymous]

*sigh* I have a 15 year old....those girls are tough. Bodies changing, minds changing, the entire social things really starts to become massive, in their lives. Add it the driving, stress of school...yup, she is and will continue to change. How to deal? 1) Drink heavily whenever possible
2) Even a little smile or smirk should be considered fantastic behavior. 3) Initiate conversation at your own risk. 4) When done w all 3, remember, you love her. That will pay off down the road...