Need reality check about 5th grade son's friendships

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm too invested in my son's (5th grade) friendships. I won't bore you with the details, but I think I spend too much time thinking about who hash't included him in what sleepover or invited him to what party rather than focusing on what he is invited to and how little he seems to care about the exclusions, when they occur.

Does anyone else feel this way? I am noticing this about myself, feeling like it must be bringing up feelings of rejection I had when I was a child, and want to do something about it (detaching from it) before he enters middle school next year. Advice on how to go about detaching?

[Anonymous]

My mom did this with my brother. The weird part was that she cared way, way, more than my brother did. He always had a few close friends, but was far from a popular kid. My brother admitted to my mom many years later (when he was in college and found his kind of people) that my mom's stress over his being unpopular made him really uncomfortable because he felt like she was upset he wasn't a popular kid and his friends weren't "good enough". He was perfectly happy with his small group of close friends.

OP, does your son act upset that he's not invited to some sleepovers and parties? I say this nicely, but please think about therapy for your anxiety. It is probably deeper than just "well I wasn't popular and I'm worried my son won't be"

[Anonymous]

You can't ride that roller coaster with him. It will get worse when he is a teenager. Since you want to do something about it, I think you should see a therapist. Its tough to get out of this habit without professional help. (Been there, done that. Therapy helped me a lot with a similar situation.)

[Anonymous]

Just pull back, and talk less. Good you see that what you are doing is more about you than him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just pull back, and talk less. Good you see that what you are doing is more about you than him.

I agree. The one good thing about when they enter middle school is that it will be tough for you to be in the know as much as you are when they are in elementary school. I find that I only really know the kids that went to elementary school with my son. He has a whole new host of friends at school that I don't know at all, nor do I know their parents. Also, I find that there are far fewer birthday party's going on in general for the middle school aged kids.