When did kids stop coming over?

[Anonymous]

Hi, this is a question for non primary custodial parents or children of divorce. At what age did the kids stop coming over for 'Dads' weekend? I am a step mom of two and one is in 6th and the other 3rd. We have the kids one night a week and then every other weekend. DH is starting to get kind of sad because the oldest often has plans on our weekends that take her out of the house. Like today its birthday party and then she will just stay with her Mom tonight (as its nearby). So we are losing out on today and tonight, when she would normally be here. He is not discouraging her from going- its age appropriate, but just bummed.
As a child of divorce I can honestly say that we stopped the weekend rotations in late middle school. It just got to be too much to pick up and change homes/locations.
So I guess I have a few questions. Is this just a normal part of kids growing up? What can we do to keep up the constant contact but NOT make her feel that she must choose between us and friends? And how can I work with DH to help him come up with solutions/strategies to not be so bummed.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the kids, but I found with my nephews, when they got involved in sports in later ES, the schedules went out the window. Everything had to revolve around the boys' schedules. What my brother and his ex did was to become flexible about visits. The result was that my brother had lots less time with the boys in blocks, but he saw them more times for shorter periods. The other thing is that both parents went to all of the boys' games.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Do you live a distance from your stepchildren's mother's home?

[Anonymous]

Mom lives in a nearby suburb of Maryland and we are in DC. (Hope that is not too revealing...) So the distance is not crazy, but the drive can be. That is part of the reason we do not have them more during the school week, although we do often pop in and take them out for dinner and the like.
I know I just get worried because their Dad loves them like crazy and I fear its only going to get harder to keep up the time.

[Anonymous]

Op here again. Also, just to clarify, its hard on the kids. When we would take the kids for an overnight during the week they would have to wake up super early to get them back to school on time. It made for sleepy long days and cranky kids. And with the drive to dc, from school we would pick them up at 6 and not back home until 7. Then we would slam down dinner and hang out just before bed. It was really hectic and honestly just a flawed system.

[Anonymous]

I think I would only do every other weekend. Scratch during the week. It is just too chaotic and you end up only getting them from school and then its bed time. With every other weekend, I would have kids not make other arrangements. Seriously, asking them to not plan things on 4 days out of the month, or 6, whatever you consider the weekend to be, should not be too difficult and be understanding. Keep those weekends with them exciting so that they wouldn't want to make other arrangements. I am not sure how you do the summer, some people keep the kids every other weekend and some people do two weeks here, and two weeks there, being rotated until the summer ends or a month here and a month there. Do what is best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom lives in a nearby suburb of Maryland and we are in DC. (Hope that is not too revealing...) So the distance is not crazy, but the drive can be. That is part of the reason we do not have them more during the school week, although we do often pop in and take them out for dinner and the like.
I know I just get worried because their Dad loves them like crazy and I fear its only going to get harder to keep up the time.

Then move closer to the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here, the summer is a different story. I am a teacher so I have a lot more free time and there is no commute. The kids switch off weeks of camp and when they are in DC for camp my husband and I alternate pick up and drop off. I guess I just fear making blanket statements of 'you cannot hang out with your school friends on the weekends'. I do not want coming over here to be a chore. To that extent we have also been very active in getting them to meet kids in the complex and involved in things. But I guess its not the same as school friends.
As for moving closer- that is what we would like to do but for many reasons it is just feasible. For where we live in DC and what we pay- we simply could not afford nearby in MD. Also- our place is currently underwater so selling is not an option. Its also a co-op so you are not allowed to rent it out.

[Anonymous]

High school for us. The kids cancel their visits to us quite often. And it's very sad for all of us. But the step kids are doing the high school thing, with sports, SAT preps, friends, etc. Neither of us wants to deny them that type of great high school experience nor do we want to interfere with academics.

[Anonymous]

Instead of picking up the kids one night a week at 6 then having to drive back to DC and drive back the next morning, why don't you drive to where they live and take them out to dinner instead?

[Anonymous]

OP here, so we do drive up and take them for dinner one night a week. In fact my husband is my step daughters soccer coach- so he takes both kiddos to practice and then has dinner. So he sees them- its just not real 'Hey how was your day' type of stuff. I guess more than anything its just us being sad that things are changing/they are growing up.

[Anonymous]

Let your husband talk to her and then her mother and arrange other days/ nights if she wants.

[Anonymous]

It started happening when my SD was about 10 yo.
My husband was sad for awhile but then we moved for his job and it is not an "active" issue.
I was sad for my DH but this is life.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You might be providing too many details! (The soccer coach was the tipping point.)

It's hard to do this through high school unless you live really close to each other. So, to answer your original question, it depends on the child. But two weekends a month out of your element is a lot to a teen. (The sixth grader will soon be a teen.) It just is.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks for all the input.
Please know that I have shaded a few of the other details to provide privacy for all parties. The sport is not soccer and a few of the non relevant details are changed. I strive to gather advice about our situation without compromising anyones safety.
And yes, we are realizing how to simply deal with it. Its hard, but in the end we want fully adjusted kids who know they are supported and loved. And that looks different at different ages!