when do you start talking to child about their special needs sibling?

[Anonymous]

our son is only three but he's started to make a lot of pretty insightful comments about his brother. he says his brother is often sad/angry, doesn't like other children, etc. he often contrasts the way with how his brother is with how he describes himself. he says he is happy a lot and that everyone is his friend. the boys are only 1.5 years apart and in the same preschool. it's clear he's worried about his brother.

wondering if any of you have been through something like this and how you respond to these types of comments. do you just ignore them? change the subject? point out a time when his brother was happy and how well the two of them get along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:our son is only three but he's started to make a lot of pretty insightful comments about his brother. he says his brother is often sad/angry, doesn't like other children, etc. he often contrasts the way with how his brother is with how he describes himself. he says he is happy a lot and that everyone is his friend. the boys are only 1.5 years apart and in the same preschool. it's clear he's worried about his brother.

wondering if any of you have been through something like this and how you respond to these types of comments. do you just ignore them? change the subject? point out a time when his brother was happy and how well the two of them get along?

This is a tough question. I like the idea bolded above.

My son is three also and although we don't share your particular problem, I think you should wait awhile before having "the talk" about brother. You could lead up to this by mildly agreeing with the 3YO but also pointing out the happy times so you don't inadvertently start labeling his brother as "the unhappy/angry" one.

[Anonymous]

In talking with our school counselor, he talked about never having a "big talk" to explain SN. Basically, you have little moments of conversation. Speak in terms with both kids (not necessarily at the same time) about how different people's brains work differently also using the words learning differences rather than learning disabilities.

So if you're older child has trouble reading and expresses frustration, you emphasize that yes, reading is difficult, but he does art or soccer really well.

If your older son, tries to use his SN as an excuse, you need to nip it in the bud. Same goes for if your younger son teases your older son.

It is wonderful that your younger son is showing concern and empathy for his older brother. The next time the opportunity comes up, I would explain simply to the younger one that his brother gets frustrated b/c X is difficult for him.

I would seek counseling for the older one asap.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. 2 yo notices that she learns new words and sentence structure faster than 7 yo. We will probably do what PP says in a while.

It's hard.

[Anonymous]

http://www.ldonline.org/lavoie/Explaining_Learning_Disabilities_to_Your_Child

[Anonymous]

Another thing I think you might want to help your 3-year-old understand is that it isn't his FAULT if his brother is sad or angry all the time. Although you might not want to get into the whole picture, I think you can start to explain that his brain works a little differently and that what makes your 3 YO happy or comfortable or excited might not have the same effect on his brother (or on others, for that matter).

[Anonymous]

Don Meyer is the guru of siblings. http://www.siblingsupport.org/about/about-don-meyer

[Anonymous]

Sibilings piece it together, as you are noticing, and the subject will come up here and there. I agree, FWIW, with not having a big talk. Keep it simple and not dramatic. His brain works differently. Here's why (or they don't know, you don't know and you tell them that). He's him and you are you. No two peoples' brains work the same way anyway.

[Anonymous]

Talk about it NOW! Talk about everybody helping and being in this together. And talk about all the great things their sibling does....

[Anonymous]

Talk about it always. Do not try to ignore or change the subject, you will only send the signal to him that this is a bad, painful thing. Address his concerns directly, answer his questions honestly (he doesn't need every scrap of information, just what he asks for in a developmentally appropriate way.) I agree that you shouldn't make this a big talk, that would also make it seem like a bad thing. Keep it casual and honest, explain his sib's differences without making it a heavy thing.