third week of kindergarten, and DS has been bullied physically by three classmates

[Anonymous]

hi, all.

my heart is aching. so far, DS has been hit in the back, hit in the face with a lunch box and punched. the kid who punched him has also poked him and sat on him. and the same three kids have teased him. one is a girl whom he thought was a friend.

for his first five years, he was at the same daycare. so this is a new environment.

this morning, he was BEGGING us not to take him to school, crying about it. as DH was walking him to school, DS told him about being hit in the back and about the other incidents. (we knew about the lunch box incident, bot not the others. the girl responsible later apologized.)

DH told DS he'd talk to the kid who hit him in the back and his parents when they got to school. but the kid ran in late, and the parents left before DH could find them.

DH told the teacher's aide what was happening, and she got the school counselor involved. the counselor told DS that she would bring him and the three other kids to her office today to talk it out. I'm not sure if that will make it worse -- then again, I'm not sure of anything in this situation.

I'm looking for guidance from parents who have been there. please tell me how you navigated this difficult situation. it's only the third week, and I'm afraid DS is going to be branded as an easy target -- if he hasn't been already.

thanks.

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken with the teacher or the principal? Physically hitting another child is an automatic call to the principal's office for the offender. They should be punished first and then they can talk it out with the counselor.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- DS talked to the teacher's aide the morning, because the teacher was busy starting class. Apparently at least two of the kids had been reprimanded before. I don't know what was involved in those reprimands. This is Oyster in DCPS, by the way. I don't know what the policy is regarding hitting (such as whether the parents are called automatically), but I'm planning to find out.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Don't underestimate the role of the counselor. My kids are in MCPS and we've never dealt with bullying, but my son did have big adjustment issues in K and the teacher got the counselor involved. I had some doubts, but it turned out to be great - the counselor was fantastic. They see all kinds of issues with all kinds of kids, and they tend to have a good feel for what is going on and how to proceed.

Also, and please be clear that I am not trying to downplay what your son has been dealing with, you also need to try to take a breath and get more information. Bullying is a pattern of harassment, and that may or may not be what is happening here since it's still very early on in the year. Your child clearly is being treated in a fashion that is wrong and potentially harmful, and that needs to stop. But a big part of K is teaching kids how to interact appropriately, and how to resolve problems amongst themselves without resorting either to inappropriate behaviors OR constant supervision by teachers. It's a big change from daycare, and I also found that unsettling at first, but it is part of the growing up process. If my son were reporting this kind of treatment, I'd be on the phone or email with the teacher first, then the counselor and the principal as necessary to try to understand (1) what is actually happening; and (2) what everyone involved is doing or can do to change things for the better.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My son was bullied in ES and I found that our ES was not very responsive or competent in dealing with it - at least not until I told the principal in no uncertain terms that I was no longer reporting to them. I would take all future events to the police and insist on pressing charges. I expected that all of my kids would be kept safe while they were in the school's care. It was a wake up call to the school and all of a sudden, things improved.

But, as far as thoughts, I would force the school to deal with it. Don't talk to the kids or the kids' parents. Keep a record. Fill out the bullying form if your school has one. Encourage your child to stay away from the kids who are violent rather than befriending them. And, always listen and support and protect your child, as you obviously are. don't let them blame your child. Don't accept lunch bunch or meetings with the guidance counselor and the kids because it means they are saying your child is at fault. He is immature or lacks social skills or whatever.

Our MS handles bullying well and here's what they do. First offense- parents get called. Second offense - kid is suspended until parent comes in for parent meeting. Third offense - both families are called into a meeting. Fourth offense - expulsion.

I would not be happy with a meeting between the kids and the counselor. The perpetrators should be disciplined. It's not a talking event.

Good luck. This breaks my heart to hear. My son was bullied all the way through ES. It stopped in MS because of the zero tolerence of the MS and he changed into an amazing, confident and competent kid.

[Anonymous]

Call the counselor today. Tell her what is happening.

Ask her what the plan is to address this and manage it long term.
If you are not comfortable with the response you get, talk to the principal.

An option is for you to move schools if the school can not control the environment and provide a safe place for your child to learn. Many families do this - put start advocating now. There is a lot of change at Oyster this year and the school is foguring out how to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hi, all.

my heart is aching. so far, DS has been hit in the back, hit in the face with a lunch box and punched. the kid who punched him has also poked him and sat on him. and the same three kids have teased him. one is a girl whom he thought was a friend.

for his first five years, he was at the same daycare. so this is a new environment.

this morning, he was BEGGING us not to take him to school, crying about it. as DH was walking him to school, DS told him about being hit in the back and about the other incidents. (we knew about the lunch box incident, bot not the others. the girl responsible later apologized.)

DH told DS he'd talk to the kid who hit him in the back and his parents when they got to school. but the kid ran in late, and the parents left before DH could find them.

DH told the teacher's aide what was happening, and she got the school counselor involved. the counselor told DS that she would bring him and the three other kids to her office today to talk it out. I'm not sure if that will make it worse -- then again, I'm not sure of anything in this situation.

I'm looking for guidance from parents who have been there. please tell me how you navigated this difficult situation. it's only the third week, and I'm afraid DS is going to be branded as an easy target -- if he hasn't been already.

thanks.

We had something similar; talked to teacher, counselor, principal etc. Nothing changed, so we finally pulled our daughter out and sent her to private for a few years. She's back in public (4th grade at a gifted magnet) and no problems so far (knock on wood).

I found it immensely frustrating that the administration's stance was that my daughter had to basically "stop reacting" to bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Don't underestimate the role of the counselor. My kids are in MCPS and we've never dealt with bullying, but my son did have big adjustment issues in K and the teacher got the counselor involved. I had some doubts, but it turned out to be great - the counselor was fantastic. They see all kinds of issues with all kinds of kids, and they tend to have a good feel for what is going on and how to proceed.

Also, and please be clear that I am not trying to downplay what your son has been dealing with, you also need to try to take a breath and get more information. Bullying is a pattern of harassment, and that may or may not be what is happening here since it's still very early on in the year. Your child clearly is being treated in a fashion that is wrong and potentially harmful, and that needs to stop. But a big part of K is teaching kids how to interact appropriately, and how to resolve problems amongst themselves without resorting either to inappropriate behaviors OR constant supervision by teachers. It's a big change from daycare, and I also found that unsettling at first, but it is part of the growing up process. If my son were reporting this kind of treatment, I'd be on the phone or email with the teacher first, then the counselor and the principal as necessary to try to understand (1) what is actually happening; and (2) what everyone involved is doing or can do to change things for the better.

Good luck!

Well said. I have heard some really upsetting stories over the years, but I know my kid doesn't always interpret things right. I usually share with the teacher and ask her/his perspective and I also ask her and/or counselor to keep an eye on things. For example, maybe Johnny didn't push you, but he tripped into you or Linda feels hurt, snubbed and rejected because Avery said she isn't coming to Linda's birthday party and she tells Avery she hates her. Avery is confused and sad. If Avery had offered the info that the party is the same day as her brother's birthday party Linda would not have been hurt.

Also, I know many kids just got the "bullying" lesson from the school counselor and now my kids are constantly calling eachother bullies, us bullies and classmates bullies and they didn't seem to grasp that your brother telling you to stop bugging him is not harrassment or mom telling you that you lost your TV time is not bulling when you just spit food at your sister.
I too don't want to minimize. You are right to say something. I just would not jumpt to conclusion.

[Anonymous]

OMG excuse the typos...need coffee infusion. My daughter is much worse with the bullying acusations.

[Anonymous]

Your DH should NOT talk to the kids.
Parents and teachers only.

Imagine if a random adult came up to your kid.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp. And if action is not taken in the school, is there an online bullying complaint that you can file to superintendent? MCPS has these, so just wondering.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like things are moving in the correct direction, with the counselor becoming involved. I know it sounds weird to have your kid in the office with the bullies, but this is actually based on the latest approaches in bullying prevention. Similar situation happened with my son and this approach with the counselor really helped.
Just make sure you follow up with the teacher. It's important to have the teacher and teacher's aide on board and observing. As PPs have noted, the version of events you get from your child might not give you the full context. As you experienced, kids also don't always tell you about every incident. Give your kids' school a chance to show you they can handle this situation.
Also, just to reiterate what other PP said, do NOT directly speak to the bully or the parents of the bully. Will not be productive. All interaction with the family should be through the school.

[Anonymous]

Don't accept lunch bunch or meetings with the guidance counselor and the kids because it means they are saying your child is at fault. He is immature or lacks social skills or whatever.

I'm sorry PP, but in the third week of school for a child who has never been in an elementary school setting before, I don't think your advice is appropriate. The OP knows that her child is miserable; she knows what he has told her in terms of what has happened to him physically. But she has no other context. Seeing the school counselor and participating in social skills/"lunch bunch" meeting may be a big part of helping this child adjust to his new setting. That doesn't mean that people who engage in physical attacks should be excused or justified, but that even if this child is a victim of bullying (something which the OP does not yet know for certain), he will need some support even after the abuse is stopped. I was the one who said our MCPS elementary counselor was awesome; he was an extremely popular person (perhaps because he was a guy in a mostly female profession) and he explained to me the range of kids he worked with basically spanned the entire gamut, including a K girl who major issue was that she liked to kiss and hug everyone around her too much.

PP, I realize you may have had a really negative experience with your child's school, and I'm sorry for that. But remember that this a parent with a new kindergartener whose total school experience doesn't yet total a month. Advising her to turn her back on potentially valuable resources is just wrong.

[Anonymous]

While I would be as upset and as concerned as you are right now, don't think that your child has been branded. Kindergarten is always rocky--kids are coming into school at all different levels of development, academically and socially--and it takes some time for things to settle down. Be as proactive as you are being but don't worry that this is going to be an ongoing issue, yet. Give your son lots of hugs and make sure you are cultivating good relationships with a couple of his classmates so he has positive feelings about the social scene at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't accept lunch bunch or meetings with the guidance counselor and the kids because it means they are saying your child is at fault. He is immature or lacks social skills or whatever.

I'm sorry PP, but in the third week of school for a child who has never been in an elementary school setting before, I don't think your advice is appropriate. The OP knows that her child is miserable; she knows what he has told her in terms of what has happened to him physically. But she has no other context. Seeing the school counselor and participating in social skills/"lunch bunch" meeting may be a big part of helping this child adjust to his new setting.

PP here. You missed my point or maybe I wasn't clear. Lunch bunch and school counselor services are great. It's just that in the context of bullying I've seen with my son and other kids that this is used instead of discipline of the perpetrators, which is a way of blaming the victim and not dealing with the problem. That is what I don't think people should accept. It isn't OP's son's fault that he was hit anymore than it was my son's fault that he was bullied. So, lunch bunch is not the way to deal with it. You deal with the abuse and then if you see that you can offer the abused kid something to improve his/her interpersonal and social skills, great.